First, a little background...

I have been married for a little over 4 years and have two beautiful children who mean more to me than anything on this earth. I met and married in my late 30's, and I thought I truly found what I was looking for. I was honestly happy. However, when I look back at things, I ignored reality quite a bit and really have been living in denial about alot of things, as I was 'in love' and looking at things through rose-colored glasses. I made alot of compromises and decisions that I did for the sake of my relationship and convinced myself it was for the best.

My wife and I have struggled in our relationship off and on over time, but this past year has been hell on earth. My wife was always a heavy drinker, something i made excuses for to myself over the years, but this past year she has become a full-fledged alcoholic. In the past year, I've supported her through two stays in an emergency mental health ward, through a DUI and hit-n-run incident, a suicide attempt, and two inpatient rehabs. Coming home from her last 30 day rehab - she went to an AA meeting that evening, and then went drinking...all within hours of the same day I brought her home. Things got out of control that night, which forced me to call the police as I was concerned for my children's safety as well as my own. There was another incident the next day as well, and as a result I got a temporary restraining order as well as emergency custody of the kids.

This seemed to kick her into gear, and I understand she has started trying to do what she has to satisfy the courts and division of family services. I also found out she entered a sober living house, which I thought was a really smart thing, only to find out she left there (or was kicked out...i don't know) within a few days, and now has gotten an apartment month-to-month in the area. The court just agreed to give her some limited supervised visitation, which is fine with me as long as the kids are safe. It is just upsetting to me how this confusion will affect my kids. Where's mommy? Why is she not home? etc... My kids are young but certainly perceptive.

Over this past year, as my wife's alcoholism progressed, my eyes really opened to other problems in our marriage, unrelated to the alcohol, that I had kept hidden within myself. If drinking were the only issue, and everything else was great - I may not be writing this. However, things are not great. There have been lies and major manipulation that I've both been in denial about and also some that I've recently discovered through friends and family. They thought I was happy and didn't know how to tell me their feelings, but with everything going on that I've opened up to them about, they finally told me things that they've been holding for years in some cases. I can't go backwards and close my eyes to all of this. I want to be a good father. And together, I want us to be good parents and I want my wife to recover. The kids need her to. They need their mother, clean and sober. I just don't see us together as a couple anymore. I can't go on living in denial 'for the sake of the kids'. I grew up that way, and it is not something I would wish on any child - living in a house of fear and secrets. Of course, there is guilt - I still have a love and caring for my wife, and I don't want to hurt her. I made a vow four years ago, and I'm a very loyal person. This is also what makes this so difficult. And of course the guilt and fear of how this will affect my children.

If you've made it this far, thank you for listening. This is where I get to my more immediate question about timing. With everything going on right now - the TRO, the custody of the kids, her just really starting to try and recover (yet again)....i'm struggling with when to serve her the divorce papers. I feel in my heart i've come to that decision, but the guilt and also fear of the unknown have brought me to a halt. I know there is no 'good' time to do this, but i'm also afraid of dragging things out too long out of that fear and guilt. And honestly, it is hard for me as a man to say this - but I do fear my wife's reaction in this. Her mental state at times has almost reached points where I thought it could escalate to physical violence and statements she has made over the years has led me to believe she is quite capable of it. I also don't want things to be nasty - i would love for her and I to be good parents together and settle things quickly and amicably. However, I truly believe she will make things nasty, just to hurt me. I have no intention of doing that to her, but I just have the feeling that she will be very petty about things. I, myself, really don't care about 'things'. All i want is what's best for the kids and to be able to support them as best I can. I would gladly take full custody if she let me, but I doubt that will occur. So, back to timing -- given my fear of my wife's reaction, i'm wondering if that trumps everything else -- should i just go ahead with things while the TRO is in place? Has anyone else suffered through these types of feelings and decisions here that could offer their story or their advice?

Thank you so much for listening.