I filed for divorce two days ago. I didn't want to, I have never wanted to get divorced. Even though my husband has emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abused me for the better part of 7 years. I love him, despite all that. I am no angel, I know i have done things that pushed him, that hurt him. But i didnt deserve the protection order he served on me, the warrant of arrest with my name on it should I do anything against the order or the claims I abused our son. So I put myself first for a change and filed for divorce.

Now he tells me I am destroying our child's family. I will be responsible for the mental trauma our son will go through should I proceed. I would rather have my son be with two seperate parents who are happy and focused then be with two married parents that fight everyday. I spent 5 days out of 7 crying. I refused to speak, to eat. I couldnt sleep. How would i, as his mother, be able to look after him if i couldnt look after myself? 

Since he left, I have been happier. I have become a fraction of the woman I used to be. Those that left me because I was married to my husband have come back into my life, offering more support than those that have been around. I miss my son of course. That goes without saying. My house is empty, and too quiet. His neat toybox a reminder that he is not here. But I am using this time to get back to who i was, to become a better mother for him. 

I am putting myself first for the first time in 7 years (We have been together for 8 years) and when this nightmare is over, I know my life and that of my son's will be better. 

The only problem is, why do I feel so guilty for putting myself first?