Before and after divorce...Recovery steps Community Group

Support for people going thru the process of divorce and the recovery steps taken to achieve wholeness again.

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deleted_user 03/10/2012

I found out that my husband was in contact with an old friend of his from college via internet. Apparently they're "in love".

Hmm. I started to write but now I feel like I'm going to be physically ill.

It's not like this is new to me. I've been living on my own for over 4 months and he's been cruel for the past few years... I was just too naive to see it for what it was. I thought it was MY fault. If I tried harder, he'd love me more. Etc etc... So cliche. Except it doesn't feel that way when you're going through it yourself.

So, he has a "girlfriend" who is married with 5 children of her own. I even gave him a 2nd chance the first time I found out about it. The secret phone calls every time I left the house, the emails back and forth. I stayed with him for 2 months and EVERY DAY he pledged his undying love to me and told me how stupid he was for hurting me and ... then I found out that he never even TRIED to break contact with her.

What happened to the man I fell in love with? He wasn't a pathological liar ... he was kind and sensitive and supportive.

On Tuesday of this week I found out that I red-flagged for possible cervical cancer. I emailed him, hoping he would give me a few nice words (since he emails me all the time professing that he'll always be there for me). And instead he replies something to the effect that I should change my contact # with the library because when my research materials come in they call his place, and they've recently "been calling and calling". Poor baby. What an inconvenience.

I just don't know how to get over this kind of hurt. I was emotionally abused by my mother as a child and suffer already from PTSD. He VOWED that he would never hurt me or abandon me. But what he did was even more cruel. My mom is sick. He's just an asshole.

Just looking for a friend... I've never felt more alone in my life. Anyone have any suggestions on where I should go from here???

deleted_user 03/28/2012

I am going through a divorce that I am filing because my husband is an alcoholic and recently starting using that Synthetic Marijuana. He started smoking it March 1st and it consumed him. He substituted it for the alcohol and it seemed to cook him. He worked 8 days so far this month and it made him paranoid, raged out, threatening and just really scare. He would go from I love you, I want to make this right to I hate you, I want you to die. I am a brittle diabetic of 27 years and finally decided that enough is enough. I went to the courthouse to have him removed from the home because I was afraid he would hurt me in one of his paranoid, delusional episodes and he was not working and i am, why should I be forced to stay away from my home? The court issued it and he was removed Monday. Me, his brother, mother, friends, my mother have all begged him to get help. He never thought he needed it. Now he is about to go to day one of detox and rehab. I know he is away divorce is emminent. I do not want to be legally responsible for his irresponsibility. I have no choice and he made it that way. THe biggest lesson in life we can learn is Take care of #1 first. Im sorry you had hard news recently about your health. Being a Type I diabetic and not being able to feel low blood sugars when they happen, it kind of freaks me out a little to be by myself now at night. During the day I am fine, I am at work around people. At night , how its just me. I am calmer, less stressed and have not had anyone be ugly to me or scare me in 2 days and it is refreshing. You cannot make him want you. This is such a hard place to be. If my husband was not an alcholic (or got help for it sooner) or smoked that fake pot, I would no thave to have made this horribly heart broken decision.

mtnlionbait 06/26/2012

I went in for my annual check up (I get it every year to make sure I'm healthy enough to do a bicycle race), and in 2005, the blood test showed I was SEVERELY anemic. I KNEW right away why.... the doctor was convinced it was stomach cancer (I had no pain)... I was convinced it was ovarian.

So I got a 2nd opinion.... and had an ultrasound done. They found a tumor alright, in my uterus. At the same time, my 56 year old aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer.... she lived 6 months. So I told the doctor to take it all... because I live out in the boonies, there was a 3 month wait just to get in to see the surgeon. We all agreed to have it all removed with the family history (a grandma also died of ovarian cancer and mom had a breast cancer scare)... and the surgery was scheduled for the week AFTER the race. They treated the anemia and I had to skip training whenever my cycles came....

HIS way of supporting me was to get PLASTERED. So much so, that he had a seizure, ended up having to go to the emergency room... it cost ME $2500.00, I wound up supporting HIM, and I realized that he was NO SUPPORT at all. I went to my son instead, asked him to be on call for me in case I needed assistance - my son agreed. Luckily, the training I had done made me so strong I didn't need any assistance.

I should have walked away then.... didn't... and over the next few years he had 3 more alcohol related seizures and STOLE from me to buy it.

Sending hope and strength your way as you go through this... you DO have support and friends here!

deleted_user 06/27/2012

I've recently divorced my husband and I can appreciate how you feel. I can relate to your last sentence. One thing that I find helps me is to write everything that I feel bad about onto paper and then set fire to it. As it goes up in flames, it will be released from your body. lt might take lots of paper but it feels good to get rid of the rubbish. Try it. You can write whatever you want, as no one else is going to see it. It has helped me by reading your post. I don't feel as if I'm the only one in pain,

deleted_user 08/13/2012

You have a friend here. I've recently began exploring all my abandonment issues after my 20 year marriage imploded. I too am in the process of divorce. I still can't believe it's real. For me it has come down to loving myself. Being at one with me. At some point one may "vow" to be there, but whether they leave on their own or via death, they will leave you or you them. So as I've realized this I've began addressing my myriad of insecurities and codependent issues. I've realized that I want to be a better me. A more compassionate me - suffering from anxiety and depression have provided me tools that I'm only just now beginning to understand how to use to help me cope with this devastating reality. And coming to terms with my past has helped me understand that I'm the only one who can make me happy. And I won't be able to share that with anyone until I take care of me. And relieve myself of all these lofty expectations and anticipations that lay on others - because ultimately, I have very little control over anything, particularly the actions or perceptions of another person. Life is too short. Grab the reigns, face the fear.

Hard to Accept - I can relate. My wife is stuck in limbo in a mid-life crisis that she's been living in since we were teenagers. Now that she's 37 and found a 26 year old boyfriend to fill that emptiness - well, she couldn't decide what she wanted. I had to decide for her. It's been the most emotionally tormenting thing I've ever had to do. She can't have it both ways. She wouldn't up and leave me, though she moved out, but told me often how much she missed "us" - as did I. As much as I love her, I have to do what is best for me. And that's letting her go - only she can fix her issues.

deleted_user 10/12/2012

I'm talking to a lawyer I no it takes 2 to make a marriage we both stoped talking to one another but I did not cheat I believe the lord brought us together for us to give our hearts to each other for his purpose and plans good luck keep talking to people many hugs

deleted_user 12/03/2012

when I found out my h was cheating I felt like I was the lowest horrible person because I'm not good enough for him anymore that is how he wants me to feel I feel so alone. He is so happy when he leaves for work because he's going to see another woman. When you feel bad log on to your support group it helps

deleted_user 02/05/2013

thank you for all your comments, it has helped me, feeling lost and alone, mu husband told on Christmas 2012 that he wasn't "in love" with me any more and wanted to separate. Things hadn't been great between us, but it still was a shock. Now I am trying to grieve and heal, feeling worthless.. Any thoughts and suggestions are welcomed.

mtnlionbait 02/06/2013

The book "Women Who Run With The Wolves" will help... it teaches through myths how to find yourself, how to grow again, how to be YOU in a way you've probably wanted to be all along but never knew how...

You'll go through all the stages in waves...shock, denial, grief, anger, acceptance... sometimes the stages will bounce around, sometimes they'll flood in all at once. But remember as you go through them that the quiet in between will get bigger and bigger until you're through it. Hang in there....{{HUGS}}

gudwomaminpain4 04/25/2013

NWK1980 ...
MY HEART... hurts for you...
I too cannot even comprehend the fact that you Go into a marriage ...
You stand before God, family, friends... Exedra Exedra and vow that you will love, honor, cherish in sickness and in health in good times and bad..
Till death do you part.......
Anything worth having in life takes work
...
I too was married to a man who left me with no explanation he to this day would not do a counseling session or even talk to me and explained why he left to to give me any kind of clarity or closure...

It just Is beyond comprehension to me how you can love someone so much think things are okay and they switch on a dime become cold callus, hurtful, narcissist....
my heart hurts for you please let me know if there's anything I can do I will be your friend contact me anytime
when things get a little bit tough go ahead and get going or

deleted_user 12/22/2013

My husband suddenly left on Halloween day. He told me the same things, he didn't love me anymore basically. I never saw it coming at all. He made me feel like it was my fault, and I found out on my own that he'd been messing around with a person half his age at his gym. The holidays are killing me. I read a book called Runaway Husbands, which was really good, but I just can't seem to get any relief from the grief and pain that I feel inside.

Changeforbetter101 12/23/2013

This pains me to read about all of your circumstances. It is extremely similar to mine. I know how bad it hurts and it just sucks! I too was blind-sided, never did I think my husband was 'so unhappy.' However, I have been doing a lot of research on alcoholism and his actions are not uncommon, I guess. Pretty sad if you ask me. But he doesn't think he has a problem! I am pushing for divorce and I cry every day. He is killing himself and I am not going to stand back and watch him destroy himself - he has already managed to destroy our family and my sense of worth. I am getting better. These sites help. You think you are the only one in the world going thru this pain and there are many out there suffereing as much as I. It is just too bad we can't lock these Alchi's up for a year so they can get sober and realize how much damage they have caused. I wish all of you luck. Keep your faith

deleted_user 01/08/2014

NWK;

It's like this...the reality of it all is even though you are suffering, sick, lonely etc, chances are he will not see that or feel sympathy because he is blinded by his own greed, ambitions etc. I know what you are gong through because I too went through it.

- A grown man crying asking my ex wife why was she destroying our family and she just sat there and looked at me.

-Depressed, I wanted to die, she actually told me to go for it.

-outraged because she didn't have all the money she wanted and I as stuck paying the mortgage as well as the layer fees and costs, she actually told me to let the house go and sleep in the street for my "children's" sake.

I know...wth right?

Bottom line is it's called selfishness. Even if they have a wink of sympathy, it stands up against their ambitions and you are sure to come to the bottom of the pile. My suggestion is get out and try to enjoy life as much as possible. Pick up a new/old hobby. Try not to rebound but surround yourself with caring people and you'll get through it. It hurts like hell and most of us have been there. PM anytime

Hugs

deleted_user 08/22/2014

My wife whom I've know for fourteen years decided one day that she was no longer in love with me and she wanted me to move out so she can move on with her life. I believe she wants me out so she can move on with another that is giving her the things that she lacked from me. I personally think that she is going through a mid life crisis and she sees me as the problem. How can she move on after exchanging vows to be there for each other until death do us part. She also will not talk to me about it and will not agree to go get some help. She had moved on before she even broke my heart. The phrase "I don't love you any more" will haunt me forever.

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