Before and after divorce...Recovery steps Community Group
Support for people going thru the process of divorce and the recovery steps taken to achieve wholeness again.
After 29 years of marriage, and many many times of thinking about divorce, I finally made the decision to being the process of filing. I have been contemplating this for years ever since the time my husband hit me (only once) and I began losing respect for him. He constantly purchases expensive items that he WANTS be the family does not need. One of the things that really irritated me was when he sold his motorcycle (because it was dangerous) and purchased a sports car, this wouldn't be so bad except he did this within a week of me losing my job when the economy was tanking. Now that our children are grown and out of the house we have nothing in common. He plays in 3 music groups that I'm not interested in, isn't home a lot because of these groups which means I'm by myself many many nights and weekends. I joined a fitness center in order to get out and improve my health hoping he would join with me, he did not. In October I took a weeks vacation to visit our daughter in Georgia. While there I met a wonderful man who got to know me as a person, we communicated for a few months via email. He said things to me that made me feel very loved and wanted only to find out that he apparently didn't mean them and has basically ended our friendship.
Back to the husband issue - he confronted me about what is going on since I've been going out with my single girlfriends and doing things that are enabling me to find myself. I feel as if I've been lost for the last 29 years. He wanted to know why I've been treating him like I have and to make a long story short, I told him that I wasn't happy with the marriage and that I was days away from retaining an attorney. He now wants to change and get to know me, pay attention to me and do things with me.
Question here is - do I let him or continue with my plans? I have no real love for him as a spouse and there is nothing sexually exciting about him anymore. I know that there is someone out there that will treat me like I deserve to be treated from the beginning, that will be the person I should have in my life, not the person who suddenly wants to be in my life after 29 years of crap. I'll take any advice you can give and if needed go into more detail about what has lead up to this decision.
Back to the husband issue - he confronted me about what is going on since I've been going out with my single girlfriends and doing things that are enabling me to find myself. I feel as if I've been lost for the last 29 years. He wanted to know why I've been treating him like I have and to make a long story short, I told him that I wasn't happy with the marriage and that I was days away from retaining an attorney. He now wants to change and get to know me, pay attention to me and do things with me.
Question here is - do I let him or continue with my plans? I have no real love for him as a spouse and there is nothing sexually exciting about him anymore. I know that there is someone out there that will treat me like I deserve to be treated from the beginning, that will be the person I should have in my life, not the person who suddenly wants to be in my life after 29 years of crap. I'll take any advice you can give and if needed go into more detail about what has lead up to this decision.
pretty sticky situation you got here. Trust me you are by far the only one. Basically the way it seems you have two choices here.
-take your husbands word that he will make a change in the relationship that will make it better for the both of you
OR
Seal the deal on the marriage and enjoy your new found freedom.
Choosing either of these doesn't make you a bad person, Actually, I think it was brave and responsible of you by disclosing your feelings and situation with your husband. If only ALL people were like that. Anyhow, before you wrap up a LONG marriage I think there are a couple things you should think about.
*Are the feelings and emotion (love) for your husband really gone? Or are you just bored with the day in day out? In other words, if things did change, you could find yourself back in love with him?
*Is it possible that the short online relationship you had with this other guy is interfering with your feelings for your husband? Remember the feeling you had when you first met your husband? The feeling you had When you two got married? When you first had relations together ? It is probably the same feeling you had when you met this other guy. It's Euphoria, and since you have not had it in a long time with your husband, the second you felt that way again you find yourself chasing it, regardless if the other guy is still there or not. It's a helluva drug. Everyone's addicted to it is some way or another lol. If this is the case, then it is very possible that by you chasing that feeling of Euphoria, that sense of adventure that your marriage will fail because half of the team no longer wants to be a part of the team
With all this being said, you just have some soul searching to do. I hate marriages that end (especially long one) when so much happiness, love and yes pain and sacrifice took place. I hope whatever you choose brings you happiness. Just stay strong and once you choose your road, follow it through. As long as you are open and honest about your decision with your husband, you can hold your head high. It's the liars and people that hide things that mess stuff up.
By the way, I am a divorced guy who's ex wife had a few affairs on me. IF she had just come out and expressed that she would rather be somewhere else, I would have been heartbroken but I would still respect her. I don't think highly of her to this day because of that and neither do others. Trust me, being open and honest is the way to go and you are going about it the right way. Good Luck !
The feelings I experienced with my online relationship was totally different from what I felt when I met my husband. In thinking about why I married, I believe it was for security more than love. I thought I would be able to love him more but I never really did.
Basically my decision has been made and although I know it will hurt him, in the long run we'll both be much happier.