A Wee Bit of O'Humour


A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your
face."


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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the
poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I
had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"