last night, i saw my ex again, for the first time since we broke up last week. he was talking about having break-up sex, and to be honest he's the best person i've slept with so far, so i was very open to that idea. seeing him again, i felt so done with him and over our relationship already. i didn't really even want to touch him or see him. but this seemed like a really great note to end the relationship on for good and gain closure with. but it actually caused the exact opposite of closure for me.
we had sex, but i kind of think that we made love. of course, break-up sex is kind of an emotional thing already. but this was just so different from all the other times. maybe it was because all the other times had been in the midst of feeling uneasy about our relationship because of all the unpredictable fights and anger towards each other. i don't know, sorry for making this kind of tmi lmao. but all in all, it was extremely passionate.

afterwards, i just wanted to be next to him and touch him and hold him. but he said no, that we were just friends from now on, that was the last time. it just made me feel like i fucked up, big time, by letting him go. which is insane, because he's not a catch by any means. i'm not even that attracted to him. but i'd also be lying if i said i didn't have any connection with him, because i do. there's definitely a place for him in my heart where i think i might love him a bit. how could i not after the emotional rollercoaster that this relationship has been?
but i also feel like i have lost myself in the process of this relationship. in this relationship, i have been a victim of domestic violence, i have been a caretaker, i have been a friend-with-benefits. i've been put into so many roles and have been told what i should do by so many people. so many people are so quick to judge me for this relationship and feeling the way i do towards him. i know the abuse was wrong by all means and i should've dropped him there, but i didn't. somewhere in me, there was sympathy and there was enough compassion to give him another chance. i think i partially just wasn't ready to filter through a dozen guys who only wanted to have sex with me again. i think a huge part of me was just terrified that he was the only one who would ever want me for more than sex.
he's still one of the only people i can be myself around, and i think that's why he wanted to date me, because he knew me. but with other guys i've tried to hang out with, i just have this wall up that i can't put down and i can't be myself. my own voice doesn't even sound like myself when i'm not comfortable with other people. i feel like i have to be perfect, so a lot of times i end up not even saying anything, for fear of sounding stupid and not being liked or good/cool/funny enough.

besides how hard it is to let go of him, our relationship, the good memories, and all the work that has been put into these past few months, i think a really big part of why i feel so horrible about not being with him anymore is because he was the only guy i've felt comfortable with sexually. when i was a virgin, my "first time" was a rape. and that messed me up completely. every time i slept with someone after that, everything down there went numb. completely numb. even if someone was touching the most sensitive parts down there, i could not feel a thing. by myself it's fine, so i know it's not a physical problem. it's just some sort of mental problem, something that's "blocking" me from feeling anything or something.
with the guys i was with before him, they were confused as to why i couldn't orgasm. the first guy, i had no idea what was going on so i just faked it. but when the same thing happened with the second guy, i started to put two and two together. i tried explaining to him that because of the rape i couldn't feel anything, but also that i felt like if he could work through it with me maybe i'd be able to feel something one day. he shrugged and said he didn't really care whether i orgasmed or not, that it didn't bother him. (what a relief, that it didn't taint his precious ego if he couldn't make me orgasm. i'm so glad it didn't make his dick feel inadequate!) he told me i was just "broken" and just had to deal with it. and so, i started to believe i was broken for good too.

but my ex was the first person who actually wanted me to get something from it too. it took so long and it was extremely emotional to go through, because every time it didn't work it just reinforced that idea that i was just broken and would never be able to have a complete sex life. even he started to give up sometimes, which made me feel even worse. but he saw how bad i felt and kept trying until it worked.
and i know this is probably really too much information, but it's seriously one of the most meaningful things to happen in my life, because it's so much more than "just having an orgasm during sex". that alone, i don't really care about. i mean, it's still good without that, so that didn't mean too much to me. but what this whole thing did mean for me was that i took something back that my rapist took away from me. he might have stolen my virginity, but i was able to reclaim my body, in this way.
it also meant something tremendously that someone was actually willing to work through it with me, because it wasn't easy or even enjoyable by any means. he got tired of it sometimes and i know he wanted to quit, but he didn't.

and so because i had this with someone, i'm so afraid to lose him, because i don't think a lot of people will be willing to put in the effort like he did. i'm so scared that i'm going to have to go back to guys who don't care about me during sex.