Good evening everyone, this is my first time writing, even though I joined a couple of weeks ago and have been following many, but just been scared to write, guess you can call it embarrassed, ashamed, depression, and so many others. I am 40 years old from Martinez, GA. I would like to ask that you bear with me on my first posting, but I wanted to give y'all the background of everything that is going on today with me. So if you will, please, please bear with me. Thank you so much ahead of time.

My issues started back in 1993 at age 20, I was injured on the job. (Had a tractor roller dropped into the bed of the truck I was sitting in because the crane they were lifting it with malfunctioned, thus it jarred my back and "broke" the joints between the vertebrae) Well, after several years of Dr visits and tests, and scans, and referrals, the orthopedic surgeon that finally ended up treating me (only after being referred to 4 other Drs in this practice, found the problem and performed a spinal fusion at L5-S1 and stated he should have done L4 also but did not. After spending a week in the hospital I was released to go home, with a walker because of the swelling in the back and involving the nerves thus having no feeling or sensation in my legs. A month and a half after surgery, which was done on April 1, 1998, my daddy passed way, so this did NOT help the healing process due to the grief and I am the BIGGEST DADDY'S GIRL. Well the fusion was performed through my lower back, where they took bone out of my right hip and used for the graph (fusion). Several months before the surgery I had gone to see a neurosurgeon about the other issues, numbness, tingling, pain going down both legs and difficulty controlling the bladder functions. This QUACK, who is supposedly well renowned, told me it was all in my head, it was what they call a "PHANTOM PAIN"...HA We did some test and yep the damage is there, they can see why there is severe, chronic pain. Well that fusion made the pain bearable.

Growing up I bowled for 22 years, played softball for 12 of the same years (daddy coaching me in both), played golf with my daddy for 10 of those same years, driving range also. Not to mention deer season came in and daddy and I was also hunting together, camping, fishing, gardening, hiking trails in the mountains on vacations, cheerleading in school, honestly, After the surgery and the full 18 month recovery that this required back in 1998, I went back to try bowling, I went back to try golf, I went back to fishing and hunting and camping, coaching baseball and softball and playing a pick up game at the banquet with the kids

I stayed at home with our daughter who was 5 at the time of my surgery to take care of her, then had our son on MY BIRTHDAY IN 2000, While pregnant with him I worked full time as a Pharmacy technician, so on my feet all day and night sometimes, and I was ok, I felt great, would have a little pain, but that is what happens with pregnancy. Found a great job and was there from 02 - 08, laid off, then went to another job in 08 for 7 months before I was let go for taking excessive breaks because I had to get up and move around because of the pain and trying to get comfortable, which they had letters from my dr. I found another one a few months later and was there for 5 months and the same thing, "you are taking too many breaks and people are starting to ask why you can get up so much and they can't" Mind you I was a manager as well, so let me go because of 'excessive breaks" (Sept 2011)

Well the last 2.5 - 3 years it has gotten to where it is unbearable. I can't lay down flat to sleep, I rarely sleep upstairs with my husband because of difficulty getting up the stairs with the numbness, tingling, weakness and pain in the legs, so I go from the couch to the floor, to literally crawling up the stairs, to sitting upright on the couch in order to sleep, IF I get to sleep (insomnia now and getting comfortable is another struggle, wake up many times at night crying, screaming in pain, pain meds barely take the edge off, been on them for the last 5 years. If it gets ahead of me, nothing will help, I can't move I can't even breath, it takes my breath away, it is so bad it feels as though I am paralyzed. My day cannot get started until my back releases and decides to let me move, I have fallen trying to fight against that and say I am just gonna get up and go. Yeah a flight of stairs don't feel good. ALL those things I listed above that I have always done and the amount of time I spent doing them....yeah they are non existence in my life, in our life. I hate myself for it because my children, my 13 yr old son especially (daughter is off in college), I can't get out there and play ball with him, to help him get better, his DREAM IS TO PLAY IN MLB, I am failing him. I can't go to amusement parks with him on the rides, waterparks, hiking, because I can only walk so far, but I do take and use my cane. I can't play the pick up games with him that he is always asking for, it is not fair to him. and I feel as though I am a burden to them, they would be able to do so much more.

I have a 4MM kidney stone in the right kidney, just found that, cyst at T12-L1, curvilinear calcification on the right side (my right side of my back is where the main issues are), indication of nerve root sleeve ectasia/perineural cyst on the right, disc bulge at L4-L5, calcification within the ligamentum flavum adjacent to the lamina at L5, hypertrophic change/exostosis extending from the sacrum and extending to the right of the spinal canal as far cephalad as L4-L5, smaller on the left, anterolisthesis of L5 in respect to S1 (grade1)

I am so done with all of this, it is like there is NOOOOOOOOO doctor listening to me, even with all of this going on, my emg shows permanent nerve damage on both sides, no reflexes in either knee area. I do not go out anywhere, I do not have the patience for people and it's not their fault they don't know my pain and it is like when I am hurting (constantly) people just don't move, they can't drive, they don't understand the pain, I hear oh it can't be that bad. I don't want to be around anyone most of the time, just silence, but then again I don't wan to be alone, I don't want to hear any talking, I am severely depressed. Denied disability, of course, they said it wasn't severe enough I am at my wits end, ready to give up, I have prayed for him to take me in the middle of the night, I can't take more pain, I am ready to walk with him. But I worry about my son...am I really any good to him either way...he is what keeps me going!!!!