You aren't alone invisiblewall, and we're glad you felt good enough about us to post this. It can be so hard for us to feel safe enough to share our thoughts, so way to go! You are absolutely in the right place, and of course you're good enough to be here. Please feel free to share whatever thoughts or stories or questions you might have. There aren't very many of us, it's true. Some of us don't feel able to post things online and that's okay. We're here to support each other the best that we can.
I hope you gain support and understanding on the DS site. You really do deserve it.

not alone at all, my friend!!! yes it is SO hard to find other people who can share in this wonderful diagnosis. you really do feel alone, as if the world just goes on without you. for me i'm just tryin to come up with a way to make myself be able to maintain friendships. and make them at all. I can get through my nerves to talk to someone once, maybe twice. but after that, i usually can come up with nothing to say, accompanied by feeling that they don't like me. this diagnosis??? NOT so wonderful...

Thanks for your response... I really wish I could figure out how to make friends. I share your feelings exactly!
I usually have conversations with people I like in my head where I'm extremely witty and charming and then clam up in real situations (sounds a little crazy...)
I can never shake the feeling that people don't like me even though logically I know it makes no sense...
Best Wishes

I know exactly what you mean invisiblewall, I don't think I'm good enough. I avoid talking with people so I don't have to feel that I'm no good. I can have great conversations in my mind with people, in person I don't know what to say or I think that people don't like me. I work and talk to people there but if I see anybody from work outside of work I will avoid them so I don't have to think of something to say. I feel dull. I don't socialize, the thought of that make me very anxious, I don't like go to parties or clubs, don't have any friends to go with anyway, and I am nervous in crowds.
I have family, and I avoid them too sometimes. I don't want to talk to them, I don't know what to say to them either sometimes.
Logically it does not make sense like you point out, and I get angry at myself for thinking this way about myself. The anger just makes me feel worse. I don't deal with criticism well, it is like a hard punch in the stomach when I feel like a failure and I just want to disappear.


Take care you all and I'm glad I found this group.

Hey Freee,

I've experienced everything you said exactly...

Take Care

I feel like I'm boring. I even bore myself.

I know how you feel. I live alone. i haven't had anyone over to my house (other than service personnel) in years, since i got divorced. I am a codependent, diagnosed. AVP is a common associated disorder with Codep. She is a Bipolar/Alcoholic. I put up with a lot, but when she started cheating, I had to get a divorce. I still miss her and she still tries to contact me (I ignore her) about every six months or so, since I divorced her (going on two years).

Anyway, I know how you feel. One on one with someone i am fine. Everything looks normal on the outside. They see me as nice, knowledgeable, but someone who wants to be left alone. Not true at all. I just don't want to be humiliated. I feel like I have to analyze everything I say or do to see if it's "appropriate". It feels like I am some "alien", dumped here on Earth to incorporate into society and not doing a good job of it.

I am sure like a lot of you, my day consists of going to work and going home then sleep, replay five days a week to where I stay home all weekend, just to repeat the grind. I would like to go out and meet people, but I know it just comes down to being scared to be hurt. It's frustrating, because I know the hows and whys of my condition, but I just can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm 45 and I feel like I am watching my life slip away.

The worst part is I literally have no family. The only family I had, chose to take advantage of my wife and I actually caught them in bed together (my first cousin, no less). Parents are dead, no siblings and my parents were immigrants. I only have one friend I can count on and he just got married.

As depressing as it sounds, I still manage to keep going. I just know that I have to make some changes. At this point I have decided that if I can at least make small changes in my life, it will be better than no changes. I have been working with a great counselor and it is great to go talk with them.

Worst part is as much as i love my house, I find it to be a cage. Maybe a gilded one, but a cage nonetheless. I also travel for a living (ironic, huh) and constantly worry about whether my cage will still standing when the taxi drops me home. I know the reason why too. It's all I have in this world and if something were to happen (I am constantly afraid, when I come home, there will be firetrucks) I would literally, have and be nothing.

I feel I am boring as well, but know I am not. I even manage to have enjoyable conversations with the service people when the come over. But that is a controlled environment with the deck stacked in my favor. Not in their best interest to be rude.

How do I deal with it? I have read (and my counselor has told me) that whenever I have a negative thought (and we really know when we are) to take mental action and imagine it as something small and insignificant (a bug for example) and squash it. It helps, but I wish I could be more consistent with it.

Anyway, know that you are not alone out there and be grateful for what you have.

You're so right, invisiblewall! I was just reading that only .5 to 1% of the population is estimated to have AvPD. Of that percentage, much less than half will even recognize that there is a problem -- let alone seek help. Most of us are so busy trying to secure some isolation, reaching out is the last thing we'd be thinking about doing.

For me, the severity has grown intolerable. Life has become unworkable. I was so disheartened when I learned that AvPD is one of the most challenging PDs to overcome and it often takes years of therapy. YEARS. My insurance will *partially* cover fewer than two dozen sessions of therapy. That's not even half a year. When I see how psychotherapy is regarded as some kind of optional salve by insurance companies, that only screams to me that they are right. I'm just weak. I'm just more messed up than I can afford to fix. That makes me feel sad and worthless.

Knowing I need some kind of external intervention brought me here. I'm really hoping you who are able to get therapy and medical care will be willing to share what you're doing and learning in treatment so I can maybe help myself. Thankful y'all are here, even if we're the least sociable personalities on the planet. I *am* serious about finding relief.

Hi Everyone,

I really identified with your comments about your home EbonyKnight! Its like a sanctuary to escape to and a prison to escape from at the same time!
In January I found myself getting angry all the time (would fly off into fits of rage when I was by myself of course). I suddenly realised that I had this fear in my stomach all the time and just wanted it to stop. This fear has been inside me for years and years and I had never really realized it. Anyway, I just got fed up and decided to get some counseling to see what I needed to do to get some kind of control of my life.
The Psychiatrist put me on Zoloft to try to curb the anxiety. It has helped a great deal and I no longer have that fear for the first time in my life.
I'm now seeing a Psychologist regularly and its helping a lot as well. We have wonderful discussions and I don't feel like I'm crazy anymore. I'm very fortunate where I live because I don't have to worry about insurance. I can definitely understand your frustration Indistinct and hope you get the help you deserve.
I turned 50 this year and I just started thinking that I don't want to waste any more of my life worrying about what other people think of me. Its just not worth it. In fact it never was worth it...and that voice we all have inside our heads that dictates how we have been living our lives does us no favours...
I apologize if it seems I'm lecturing or trying to advocate prescription drugs. I'm not. We all have to find our way out of this darkness and I've still have quite a way to go...

Best Wishes treeguy, doughgirl ,freee,nobody999, ebonyknight, and indistinct...

Invisiblewall