Structure and routines are very good for autistic kids, but if you give them too much to do at once, too much to process or organize, they get somewhat overloaded and confused and do not want to do anything.

Possibly your lovelady has seen those times and does not want to stress her child.

However, doing everything is not helping the child either.

Do some research, bookmark the links, about routines and chores for autistic kids, there are many articles out there talking about the benefits and how much it HELPS them.

Then do some talking between the two of you, do not mention your two relationship and the danger it is in at ALL. If this progresses, you need to leave for you, but her decisions on this need to be hers and for her child, and adding more to that will just strain the relationship more. Focus on the problem.

Focus on the kid.



Also, autism is linked to anxiety and high stress. If he feels worried about what he is doing, messing up, it will make him not want to do it.

so try doing the chores with him the first couple of times, so he doesn't feel alone and overwhelmed, and can ask questions, receive assistance, and someone is there to direct him if he does it wrong/fix it. Be patient.

With any luck he will get used to it, more confident and not need the help, then you can add it into his schedule/routine.

Also another problem "special interests" an autistic kid takes things to extreme and when they get into something they have a hard time putting it down. So when you give them something to do, what helps is not expecting them to put it down right away. instead get a timer, tell them they have 5-15 minutes to put it away and come do this or that, set the timer and come back when it is over. That will let them wrap up and be more ready/willing to help.

How serious is your relationship? How long have you been dating? How long have you known her child? Does he go to a therapist? Would mom be okay with you talking to the therapist? You can express your concerns, and perhaps get information about just how much help the child needs and his chances of becoming more independent.

I'm a parent. And the first thing I have to say is that her first priority is likely to be him.....and it's likely to stay that way for the rest of her life.

Some parents are overprotective, some are under. All of us are muddling our way through....no more so as with raising kids with issues.

She's been LIVING this for 13 years. You've been coping for ....I don't know how long.

A fresh point of view (yours) may add a lot to this child's growth, but your going to have to go slow....and be respectful of the fact that she's the expert on her own child.

If you're really not up for it, getting out now might be best for everyone. That said, all kids are awesome in their own way.

My best advice is to get to know the boy, without trying to change him. Autistic or not, hormones are about to kick in, and it's going to be harder to forge the kind of bond you can get with a kid....while they're still a kid.

i agree with both. maybe she has had something happen when she pushed her child too hard before in the past that was too hard to deal with.

schedule is important and yes i completely agree that she shouldn't do everything for the child. Children especially ours need structure but i also believe that they are never too young to have some responsibility even if it is only one thing to start out with.

Thank you all for your kind and helpful remarks. I have been living with the two of them for two and a half years. When I moved in, the child was in the throes of a very deep depression, plus he was hardly sleeping. He was finally put on medications that have helped tremendously.

I really wanted to be accepted as another parent by the child. I raised my own son, and would have liked to have another, but it has been impossible. The timing of my arrival was not optimal at all. He has resented me from the start.

I know that his mother knows him best, so I have stepped back and let her handle everything, but it really upsets me to see her doing so much for him. She says she has to "pick her battles", and I understand that, but since it is so much easier for her to do something for him than to teach him how to do it, I am afraid that that sort of thing will continue into his adulthood and that he will always be living at home and never have the drive or skills to be independent.

The goal is to get these kids to be able to be at least somewhat independent as adults,although they are getting older they are not always at the same level as their age so things take a little longer my grandson very high functioning at almost fourteen is just catching up and gets along better with say a twelve year old ,his patents do give him responsibilities,making his bed etc.but he still has to be guided as he's doing certain things everything becomes a lesson,patience and tolerance is all I can say

Understand that children with autism require so much attention, even more so in the early years. As moms we are there to protect them and try to do what it takes to help our children be successful. It becomes so routine to do everything we can to help them with everything. I am going thru this now. I know I should take a step back and give him more responsibility but that seems foreign to me considering I have been there to rescue him in any and all situations. It is hard to turn off after years of trying to help.. If you love her and want to be with her try to be patient and remember she is being a mom of an autistic child. She is a special lady..

I admire you bcz not every man has a strength to accept the women with autistic kids.

I find I do a lot for my high functioning daughter with aspergers, they tend to do this with their main care giver and not make others do it and it can seem confusing.

I agree with you. Especially since this child is high functioning I think this is the wrong approach. I am a psychologist and have high functioning autism myself (Hello!) and I live on my own. My parents went to support groups and courses for parents with autistic children. Has your girlfriend ever been to support groups like this? At these courses my parents were instructed the following, which I am very grateful about. They said: 'You should never adapt your family to your daughter, she should learn to adapt to the family! For one day she will need to survive in society, and society will not adapt to her either!'. My parents had a very no-nonsense attitude towards me. Call it strict or unethical, it helped me become an independent adult. Of course it is true that children with autism may need a little more clarity about certain things than do other children as - believe me - they are confused most of the time about the simplest things in life. This despite intelligence or education level. But as long as you provide clarity and structure, there is no need for adaptations or extra care. If there is no additional physical disability, people with high functioning autism are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

But this overly caring behaviour is not uncommon in parents who have children with autism and I'm afraid it ruins the children. Autism is a developmental disorder, which means learning plays a great part in it. Lots of behaviour and skills can be learned and help to reduce lots of autistic symptoms. One example is eating disorders. Modern research has highlighted a lot about eating disorders in children with autism. This has something to do with a serious sensitivity to sensory information, including taste and scents. This means that children with autism will have a preference to certain foods and have extremely limited diets. My parents were always extremely obsessed with food and they themselves eat absolutely everything (as long as it is very nutritious and a lot). Yet everything they fed me, I puked out straight away. There was absolutely nothing I could tolerate, because absolutely everything tasted disgusting! In this situation there are two things you can do: accept a child just doesn't like these foods and not let them eat them, risking the fact that the child will forever have to live on an extremely restricted diet because he never learned to eat different foods than the ones he had a preference for. Or make them eat it, no buts! My parents chose the latter... they struggled for years trying to make me eat their food and got so tired of it. For dinner time was always a complete fight. Result is that now eat absolutely everything. I even cook certain vegetables my mum cooked for me, that I used to loathe and I love them now. There are still certain things I find disgusting, but doesn't everyone? It's about teaching your child that certain things are just a part of life.

Second example: I hate standing in lines, they're crowded and that is pure torture for someone with autism. In the country where I am living you can get a special 'autism pass' for theme parks, because this problem is common and then you don't have to stand in queues. I never took a pass like that or never felt the need for it. I was raised with a: 'Look around. All the other children are standing in queues. If you want to go to the ride, you have to stand in the queue.. that's just how it works! Why do you deserve an exception? You're not special'.

This is the exact problem with too many parents of autistic children.. they're too 'special'. But then again, it's never special in a good way and it never will make the child feel good about themselves. I am very glad I was never treated like a special kid. 'Special kid' equals 'retarded kid' in my opinion...

I disagree. I also have these sensory problems and so does my son. I am female and was not always like this. I became this way after developing intracranial hypertension which my son also has. most people with intracranial hypertension have sensory disorders, in the same proportion as do autistic people. (major clue here for people who are paying attention) so, I know better, and I know how to behave. but my son does not, and he is a boy, and he has aggressive tendencies. having to do things like stand in a line or being asked to wash his hands with scented soap (which actually makes him ill and I proved that this increases intracranial pressure) is extremely threatening, and it is more so because no one around him understands this, except me. if a child like this is forced to adapt to his environment without any accommodations, you have to realize that you could grow a child like Adam Lanza. my son can tell me how he feels, and he feels very misunderstood and angry, to be forced to be exposed to things that make him physically ill. there are some things that you can use desensitization for, as you imply, however, there are other things that are actual illness triggers that one cannot be desensitized to. no matter how many times you expose me to your perfume, I will still react with an increase in intracranial pressure and a bad headache and brain fog, and my aversion to your perfume will only increase. and my fight or flight responses will increase. in an aggressive child with impulse control problems who feels misunderstood by everyone around him because no one cares about his pain, this is a recipe for disaster. you talk about it like it's not really a disability. it IS a disability for many people, and not accommodating kids with sensory problems is like not allowing a paraplegic child their wheelchair. I'm glad you got better but for some people it's not like that.

I, too, have a high-functioning autistic daughter. She is twelve. She sets her alarm in the morning, gets herself ready for school, and rides her bike to school on her own. She gets there on time because she knows if she doesn't, she will be in trouble. She is responsible for the dishes after dinner every other week and is expected to cook a simple dinner (by herself) once a week. The problem I have with my daughter is that she is a late-bloomer mentally and is not catching on at school. We treat her with paper gloves concerning this, but nevertheless expect her to get all of her homework done to the best of her ability every day. I absolutely adore my daughter and feel that coddling her would be detrimental to her development. It is good for my daughter's self-esteem that she is given responsibility because she gets a certain sense of gratification out of accomplishing things for herself.

You are in a tough position because your love-interest's child is not yours, so she may feel you have no business criticizing her parenting. If the child is already 13, you are looking at an entire childhood spent this way, It would take a lot of intensive therapy to undo it. Hopefully you can learn to live with it, but remember, you don't have to do for him what the mother does. You don't have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. But if just being around it drives you crazy, then, for god's sake, don't move in!!

Best of luck!

I was molycoddled as a Child and it took ages to fully Grow Up. Now I have lived twenty-four weeks on my own and am standing on my own two feet.

It's gonna take time.