Hi. Sorry to be so late to the party. I found the group today after realizing that I have an attachment disorder (disorganized), which I formerly called Schizoid Personality Disorder. Most of the member groups organized around serious topics on DS struggle to maintain a viable level of participation, but on this topic the groups stand almost no chance. It's an association for people who don't want to associate, or who do it badly.

I like online dating sites, because you can engage mentally long before physical entanglement intrudes, whereas IRL it is usually the opposite. Also, the relationships usually progress at a more manageable speed, and if things start going wrong, they are much easier to break off.

My second marriage, to a sociopath with Borderline Personality Disorder, brought me to the brink of insanity. It took many years to unwind from the horrors that I survived and sometimes even instigated. I learned that my self-control was fragile and poorly organized. Most important, I learned that getting angry is an instinct, but that staying angry is a choice.

My third marriage was to a person with a different kind of attachment disorder (ambivalent). Nearly every day, the relationship tested my resolve to be tolerant and let go of anger. At the present time, I am "on the outs" with her. I understand why it must be so, and just accept the situation. I'm still hoping that we can try again, and not looking for a new relationship, partly because I fear rejection.

I lived, and learned. Now, I feel old and have little interest in anything. I don't really want the complications of a new intimate relationship. In my opinion, the best way to learn from your mistakes is to seriously examine them, even better to discuss them with someone who is empathetic but impartial. This, in my opinion, is the real strength of Daily Strength.

She sent me a message today. She said "I wanted so damn much for it to work. I can't accept ambiguities is what. Thank you for making me believe for awhile. Sorry 4 the damage done."

We exchanged a few more pleasantries. I never expected to hear from her again, at least not until after the holidays had passed. I still want her as friend/lover, but I cynically wonder if she just wants a ride home after she gets off work at 11 tonight. Every time we break up it gets harder to trust her motives.

I'm not thinking that what we had was perfect. I have my crap to tote, she has hers. However, I'm quite certain that, in the time I have left, nothing better than what we had will happen to me. Basically, I'm an uninteresting and unlikable bag of shit, and don't want to waste any more time pretending that I'm not.

The main reason that I agreed to split up is that I think it is better for the relationship to end before either of us becomes disabled or dies. My grand plan, to die while we were separated but still married, has come to naught. She was not interested in keeping our marriage together, just as she is no longer interested in keeping our relationship together. I don't understand why she just doesn't move on.