First my son was never diagnosed. But yes, I explicitly taught social skills to me son. He was much younger though.

Things that I did include:

Saying a phrase with different tones. He was focused on Thomas the Tank Engine at the time, and I remember saying "I like Thomas" in a nice way, mean way, etc, etc. And asking him how it sounded to him. I did that every day for about 4-6 weeks. Then probably every 2-3 days for weeks afterwards.

Stanley Greenspan's floortime approach helped a lot too.
http://www.stanleygreenspan.com/

I never went to any conferences or paid for anything. I just read about it online.

The basic idea is to spend 15 minutes with your kid everyday (or multiple times a day) just following their lead.

At the time, my son would line up his matchbox cars for hours. At first he hated it when I moved a car. As the months went by, he became okay with me moving a car and taking turns. Two or three "circles" of interaction were a victory. Four or five were a miracle.

I can't say that he ever "pretended" though.


"Social Stories" have been useful for some kids.
https://www.google.com/search?q=Social+Stories&rlz=1C1CHWA_enUS626US626&espv=2&biw=1600&bih=799&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0CCwQsARqFQoTCKW-9PuU4MgCFcMYPgodMD8PUg

I never did them. I don't remember why. Maybe I was just too exhausted at that point.

I also have a daughter (two years younger), who's got more social skills than anyone I know. I learned a lot about how social skills work by watching her. And she worked HARD at pulling her brother along.

it is possible to be taught how to speak to people. im newly diagnosed im poor at socialising but ive learnt that ur to ask how someone is and what they have been up to to try show interest. this wasn't something I knew to do but ive been taught it over the years.

I think the best way for him to practice social skills is talking with actual people. I think finding an online program is just isolation again. Does he have social work services at his school? They usually run social skills groups for students with similar struggles. I am a special ed teacher and I am teaching my students social skills everyday. What does he need to work on? Eye contact? Smile? Voice volume and inflection? Body language? I am sure there is plenty of literature out there as well, but all people learn best by DOING. My husband has AS and he likes to learn by observing and studying. Unfortunately, social skills is something you have to jump in and DO. Practice for real everyday.

What is he interested in? Maybe plugging him into a program that serves his special interest with other kids could be a starting point. Ryan did not make friends easily in high school, but when he went off on his own to play on cruise ships and was left to his own devices, he acquired social skills real quick because was so lonely. He pretty much forced himself into social situations, and when he came back, he had a confidence I had never seen before! Again, I think the best is to practice with him a little each day and see if you can help him get involved in a team or group that share similar interests. It'll be that much easier because finding conversation and things to talk about won't be such a hassle.

Also, there is nothing wrong with needing to memorize what to do to start. Some people are not good socially, Asperger's or not, and they need to memorize until it becomes automatic. It's just like anything. If that is what he has to do, then have him do it and keep practicing.

Also, if your son has sensory/over-stimulation issues, it may be helpful to get him involved in something in a place he is familiar with so there is not so much for his brain to process. Sometimes when my husband is overwhelmed in the environment, his processing slows down and his social skills appear worse because he can't really focus due to distractions on unfamiliar stimuli in the environment.

Actually we were looking for programs that could teach us how to teach him, if such a thing exists. And we do follow his lead quite a bit. Mostly he wants to talk about video games which other kids get tired of hearing about after a while. He's pretty good at things like eye contact and reading people's facial expressions and emotions. I think i'ts more of an isse of helping him to talk about day to day stuff. That's what's hard for him. Thanks for your replies!

Is your son diagnosed? If so the school may be required to help you. And even if not, the school could be an excellent resource. Give the school psychologist a quick call.

I mostly interact with family. I have a relative with whom I ONLY talk about what interests her (but that's another issue... possible NPD on her end).

on the other hand, I call my mother my translator, and I think what you are doing for your son is wonderful. It requires patience. Sometimes I joke with her that our conversations are like that "Who's on first" Abbott and Costello joke, lol...

When I interact with people and she is with me, we talk about it afterwards. she talks about my responses to them and how I interacted with them, what I said, how I looked, how I sounded.

It has been a long slow process, but in the year plus since I was diagnosed, she and I both agree that I've come a long way.

I just wanted to say what you are doing is awesome and will help him in the long run. Just remember, we tend to need detailed, logical explanations to understand. And if he is willing to try, then that is a good thing, even if sometimes you feel frustrated.

Sometimes it's the "normal" people who are lacking in social skills. You don't need a special program. You can give him suggestions as to what questions to ask to spark up a conversation. Remind him to talk about what others are interested in and not just what he is interested in. You could have some practice conversations with him. Ask him to tell you about his social interaction. Then you can decide if he might be interacting poorly.

My daughter is 18 and all she wants to talk about is video games. She likes to draw and has a binder filled with every character she has drawn from the Super Smash Brothers game. She really only cares about finding a friend that shares her interest. It's hard to find girls her age that are into gaming. She has always been very social, but I had to give her guidance as to what is and isn't okay. I don't know how you can possibly memorize what to say. There is no way you can predict what comment you are going to have to respond to. You can have friends and still feel lonely. It's hard for everyone to find someone they really click with.

My Brother was the same at that age. My obsessions were statistics; i.e. what my Classmates Studied for A'Level, Sports Results, etc; and the things I didn't know back then were unreal.

At 17 your son may be starting to individuate, meaning become his own young adult apart from mom and dad. As such, he may reject anything you try to teach him. I think you missed the golden opportunity between ages 3 and 8 or so.

I'd try to facilitate his involvement with any kind of club or interest group, help him get there, help him stay involved. He'll learn by skinning his (metaphorical) knee a few times. Maybe some group with mainly older people - stamp club? Church social group?

Heidiclark- I just noticed you are from Goshen. There is an Aspergers group that meets once a month at the ADEC coffee house in Goshen. It is for young adults, but I think my daughter said they accept 16 year olds through 20 something. They hang out and play games. You can call ADEC if you are interested. My daughter gave it a try, but she only wanted to play video games and wasn't interested when they did outdoor activities. She also implied people seemed to have other issues that made her uncomfortable. A girl she didn't really know gave her a hug and that made her uncomfortable. It was a very excepting group. Your son would probably feel like the most normal person there. I know my daughter did. I don't mean this in a bad way. She is used to feeling like she's not normal. It made her feel a little better about her own issues.

As someone who has Asperger Syndrome, I must say that yeah, I don't understand how anybody can possibly know what to say in every single social situation. If we did, then there would be no such thing as faux pas. If everyone knew what to say in response to every single thing that everyone comes out with. Autistic people process things completely different, especially social interaction. It just so happens that we need to assimilate to a society of NT's that we do not understand, because we deal with having to see the world in a way that most others do not. So yeah, we HAVE to memorize social cues. It's not something to understand, it's just what we need to do. Just like memorizing table manners and library etiquette -- things that most people are not BORN predisposed to learning automatically and have to LEARN.

predisposed to figuring out automatically*