Dear Lumpsofcoal,
I only just became a member of this forum ( in search of support) and I'm not an expert/ authority on Aspergers.
(hope you understand my english writing as I am Dutch)

Please let me (briefly) try to explane why I feel I can give you some sort of advice.
My experience with aspergers is that we have been the foster home for our nephew (now 17 Y.o.) who has aspergers.
He was diagnosed with ASS (aspergers) at the age of 14 when puberty had 'kicked-inn' already (untill then he had succesfully 'covered/ hidden/ compensated' (t)his disorder with his intelligence (I.Q.).
Both his parents (veterinarians)(divorced) tried, but where unable to maintain to have him living with them (and their 'new-families'), so we ( my lady and our 3 children (7-9-10)) took him into our home whilst searching for a suitable school, place to live, and future.
Dispite the help of both his parents, our families, and numerous (!) experts/ organisations, we were not able to 'get trough' to him, by this I mean; he does not recognise/ accept that he has asperger!!
According to him the tests are wrong and fauwlty, and he DOES NOT have aspergers..
Aspergers + Puberty = a bad combination

As you may have noticed, I could write you a book .. but you were looking for suggestions.

Talk and explain
I take it that for a 9- year old, 'Dad is a HERO who knows everything!' , explain to your son that aspergers is nothing to be ashamed of or to be afraid of!!
For instance; Albert Einstein and Bill Gates are known for having aspergers .. it didn't keep them from becoming great minds!

There are techniques where youngsters with ASS. learn to recognise, and deal with, 'emphathy-issues'
If your son learnes (knows) that his reception of situations inwich someone may feel hurt (injustice) he may not automaticly understand or 'read' a situation, he can 'reach back' (use) to these techniques to keep and /or open communication to understand the other persons input/ perception. (not my field)

MY experience is: make sure your son KNOWS and accepts! he has asperges before he reaches puberty, and half your battle is won.

I hope you have(can afford) professional help to guide you, your son and family , I can only speak from my experience (not education) on this matter. not everyone is 'rainman'

Now something rude, are you yourself beining tested on having Asperger?
It is known to be a disorder wich is genetically 'transferred' from father to son ( nearly excusive a male thing )
The father of my nephew also learned (after his son) he has asperger (by the age of 46!) ... through his therapist he now learns how to explain/ educate us what this really intails (means), and how to think (understand) likewise.

Brightside
Across the street we have a couple who came in crying from time to time because they couldn't handle their daugter (!!) anymore (also Aspergers)
By now this young lady has grown up (18) be to a vey nice mademoiselle who got a 'Cum laude' on her first year of buisiness-studies and asks us how our holiday has been....

... she grew over it, she still has aspergers (there is no cure), but has learned how to deal with us "normal people"

I hope all of this makes any sence to you
- Teach your son he HAS asperger, and that it won't keep him from acheaving everything, he just needs to learn how "normal people work" :-)

I wish you and your family nothing but the best, kind regards,

Joris

Brief advice.

Parent your son - not what the textbooks, the net or people say.

Asperger's has now been struck out of the textbook (the DSM) and replaced with "Autism Spectrum Disorder".

It's not just semantics - it's telling us that there are a group of disorders - the spectrum isn't simply from "normal" to aspergers to high functioning autism to autism. Some people will show some symptoms and not others. Even the classic symptopms may be missing or in fact reversed - my ability to read faces is actually better than most "normal" people.

By all means read up on the subject but at the end of the day go with what you think is good for your child.

btw - there are things I've seen medical sites that specifically state you cannot have ADHD and a diagnosis of Asperger's. You might want to look into that especially if he's there is pressure to medicate him and bear in mind that nobody really knows the long term effects of ADHD medication).

My experience of autism, apart from being on the spectrum myself is that both of my stepsons are also on the spectrum and we are all different and all react differently in situations and all need(ed) different parenting.

My son too had the dual diagnosis but not until he was in middle school. I have a few friends with children with Asperger's and I have noticed a few difference between the children. The parents that hold their children accountable and make them responsible have children that are more able to adapt to situations, are calmer and can carry conversations.

The children whose parents use the Asperger's as an excuse for bad behavior have children that are out of control, have no responsibility for their actions and are extremely angry children.

My son has always been held accountable for what he does. He has responsibilities in the home, school and work. He is a gentle soul that cares about others.

Don't raise your child differently because he has a diagnosis. Raise him to be a contributing member of society. My son graduated high school with honors, got a part time job and promotions on his own and goes to college part time (we found full time didn't work for him).

Thanks everyone, some really great perspectives to look at.