Asperger Syndrome Support Group
Asperger syndrome - also referred to as Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's, Aspergers or just AS - is one of five neurobiological pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), and is characterized by deficiencies in social and communication skills, normal to above normal intelligence, and standard language development.
Hi all,
I hope this post finds you well. I've spend a lot of time lately wondering what may be wrong with me and finally found a therapist who believes it's Asperger's and I'm actually pretty happy about that because now I can seek proper care and support.
I've always been very weird, very eccentric and pretty much oblivious to those non-verbal and social "rules" that most people take for granted. Though I was always very good at academics (science, math, etc) I always lagged behind my peers in emotional intelligence and maturity.
It's funny because sometimes I look at my kids who will sometimes lie in order to get more candy and stuff like that, and they're still toddlers but even in my teens I would have been unable to be that mischievous! Honestly, I've always been naive to the point of idiocy. I even placed myself in danger a few times in my early 20's because I didn't "get" the fact that if a stranger I just met invites me into their apartment it should invite at least some suspicion! Is this common with Asperger's? I literally went through a time where I wondered if I was mentally challenged but that doesn't seem right considering I did well in college (academically).
My social skills are simply abysmal. It's not just that I'm very self-conscious, I'm also lost as to what I'm supposed to be doing, and what type of conversation topic is suitable for which situation. So I basically have stopped trying to make friends.
Sadly, I've also realized that most of the friends I had during my early 20's were mainly the opposite sex for a reason. I was particularly athletic back then and I suppose a lot of these people were talking to me for their own reasons (an interest in dating, at best, or having sex). No wonder my social skills weren't an issue at the time, heh. Now same-sex friends I was never able to make after 14 or so, because I had to win them over with my personality and I suppose by acting age-appropriate and socially adept which I really can't manage.
I'm actually surprised I ended up having children at all given how my behavior and skills differ so much from the norm. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I didn't use to look so bad and also always been very kind (if abnormal) and I ended up attracting people who were abusive probably because of my naivete and caring nature.
Ironically when I tried to place boundaries in my relationship things escalated to the point where I basically ended up having to flee which I didn't want to, but I'm older now and I think that suffering so much allowed me to be just a little bit less naive (I'll never be cunning) and to sense danger when I needed to.
Anyways, if anyone wants to talk I would love to make new friends, especially among people who are dealing with similar issues :)
I hope this post finds you well. I've spend a lot of time lately wondering what may be wrong with me and finally found a therapist who believes it's Asperger's and I'm actually pretty happy about that because now I can seek proper care and support.
I've always been very weird, very eccentric and pretty much oblivious to those non-verbal and social "rules" that most people take for granted. Though I was always very good at academics (science, math, etc) I always lagged behind my peers in emotional intelligence and maturity.
It's funny because sometimes I look at my kids who will sometimes lie in order to get more candy and stuff like that, and they're still toddlers but even in my teens I would have been unable to be that mischievous! Honestly, I've always been naive to the point of idiocy. I even placed myself in danger a few times in my early 20's because I didn't "get" the fact that if a stranger I just met invites me into their apartment it should invite at least some suspicion! Is this common with Asperger's? I literally went through a time where I wondered if I was mentally challenged but that doesn't seem right considering I did well in college (academically).
My social skills are simply abysmal. It's not just that I'm very self-conscious, I'm also lost as to what I'm supposed to be doing, and what type of conversation topic is suitable for which situation. So I basically have stopped trying to make friends.
Sadly, I've also realized that most of the friends I had during my early 20's were mainly the opposite sex for a reason. I was particularly athletic back then and I suppose a lot of these people were talking to me for their own reasons (an interest in dating, at best, or having sex). No wonder my social skills weren't an issue at the time, heh. Now same-sex friends I was never able to make after 14 or so, because I had to win them over with my personality and I suppose by acting age-appropriate and socially adept which I really can't manage.
I'm actually surprised I ended up having children at all given how my behavior and skills differ so much from the norm. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I didn't use to look so bad and also always been very kind (if abnormal) and I ended up attracting people who were abusive probably because of my naivete and caring nature.
Ironically when I tried to place boundaries in my relationship things escalated to the point where I basically ended up having to flee which I didn't want to, but I'm older now and I think that suffering so much allowed me to be just a little bit less naive (I'll never be cunning) and to sense danger when I needed to.
Anyways, if anyone wants to talk I would love to make new friends, especially among people who are dealing with similar issues :)
I can offer some thoughts about what helped me to better interact with people...
Observing the interactions of socially skilled people helped. For instance, it was helpful to observe the tone of voice a person used when asking someone a question that, if asked in the wrong way, might be taken as being intrusive or offensive. You might consider spending time in a place like a coffee shop and eavesdropping.
I also think that reading novels and watching movies can help if they are smart about the motives and feelings of their characters. You might also try reading some commentary about the novels and movies to get a sense of what emotions and motives other people saw. I don't think that heavy analytic criticism is the best for this purpose, but the commentary that focuses on characters is great. James Wood has a book that was just published called "The Closest Thing to Life" that is very perceptive about the inner lives of the characters in the novels he talks about. That might be a good start.
Also, I found that learning to better identify and understand my own emotions was very helpful in growing socially. At one time, I would become so completely overwhelmed by my emotions that I struggled to talk at key moments. My hands shook, and I would laugh inappropriately.
To get in better touch with my emotions, one of the techniques I used was mindfulness. You "check in" with yourself every 30 minutes or so to assess how you're feeling. This is not an analytic assessment but instead a non-judgmental awareness. For instance, I often notice that my shoulders tightened when I'm stressed. When I check in, I note how my body feels and then just try to level with myself about the origins of that feeling. I might feel shoulder tension and then realize that something that happened earlier in the day is making me feeling angry or inadequate. Once the feelings in body and mind are identified, it's easier to manage them. Sometimes, just taking a deep breath and relaxing my shoulders helps a lot.
I also find it helpful to develop coping strategies such as taking a pause before responding to someone. I often need a brief moment for something to sink in, for an understanding of the emotion behind another person's statement to make sense. That moment is very helpful, and often my mind will sort things out. You might try techniques like saying "Well..." or doing a hand gesture to indicate that you're absorbing what someone is saying. Observing other people can help you to learn some techniques that can gracefully allow you to briefly pause to absorb what a person is saying.