The anger is pretty normal in an Asperger teen. (unfortunately for you) It might be easier to take if you reflect that it comes from strong anxiety at getting involved with something novel that they might be bad at or not able to handle the stimuli. I wish I had understood that these kids are very stressed when they get into that mode. Also, reflect that the computer games are soothing to them and are a form of self-modulation.

I don't have any suggestions as to how to get him going on those challenges, but the drive sort of has to come from him. You might pull some strings to get him an entry-level computer job somewhere, it would probably be the least threatening, or maybe shelving books at the library. Having their own money seems motivating.

Your stepson might NEVER drive, live independently, go to college or have a job. Accepting this as a possible baseline, might help you see any progress at all as significant, rather than way lagging compared to neurotypical kids of the same age.

And if he DOES do those things, having an expectation of low functioning and then giving a lot of encouragement for surpassing that baseline can be a good way to go. I wouldn't share the low expectation with him but with your husband, and then you can design positive motivational experiences for all of you to celebrate. Asperger's kids struggle with anxiety and depression, so you want as many positive experiences as possible.

Good luck, it's not going to be a smooth road.

My son just turned 21. As soon as he turned 16 he wanted to get his permit. After 2 accidents in one week, one was a hit and run that wasn't his fault, his will to drive went away. He still doesn't have a license.

My son graduated from high school with honors. He started college at the local community college online. Since I was working while he was supposed to be doing his classes nothing was done so he failed the first semester. Second semester went a little better because most of his classes were on campus. He was full time then. He started going to classes on campus part time and has done much better since. He is now forced into taking online classes again. We have carved out a specific day for him to do his class work and I sit in his room while he does it to make sure it gets done. Its what I have to do to help him.

As for chores, he has always had to help with garbage and grass cutting and dishes. Now that he is an adult, there is the threat of us kicking him out if he doesn't live by our rules. He lives in a 10 by 10 room and comes out for food and bathroom but he does his fair share around the house.

He also got a part time job as a bagger in a grocery store his senior year of high school. He now gets two weeks paid vacation and a personal day because he has stuck to the job. He uses his money for his hobbies, his extra food, buying presents and college expenses.

You need to set some ground rules and if his mother is still in the picture you all need to be on the same page. A separated family for a child with Asperger's is not easy. The rules need to be the same everywhere for them and if they aren't it wont work

We are really hoping he can live an independent life possibly by 21. We are really struggling because of his aggression. We have two other children ( 4 and 13) in the home and finding it difficult to cope with all the aggression and chaos. We seem to only find peace by letting my stepson do exactly what he wants when he is with us every other weekend. He seems to run our household which is not what we want. We really wish we could work with him. He won't listen to anything we have to say. His mom and my husband have been divorced since he was 3 so he has adapted quite well to back and forth but the dynamics of his parents relationship hasn't helped. His mom rules anything involving my stepson with iron fist but it isn't benefiting my stepson. Its only holding him back. She also threatens to kick him out when he turns 18 but not working with us to teach him life coping skills. Doesn't make any since to me. Is this normal for most households with Asperger teens from divorced homes ?

Is he in a special program or have an IEP at school? Have you considered talking to the school and asking what they think that his capabilities are and what might be the best interventions to help him achieve them?

A specific thing that might help your stepson is a yoga class, or if he prefers, martial arts. These disciplines slow the mind and teach self-control. If he is only with you on weekends, this could be a regular activity he can do. Routines work well with for Aspergers people, and if it's an activity he likes, would give him something to look forward to - that also helps his self-regulation.

I believe he has an IEP. Unfortunately, his mother doesn't allow me to intervene with anything regarding my stepson. I have no voice when it comes to his well being, behavior, school, ect. She is very controlling and doesn't even allow my husband to intervene. He has to go along with whatever she wants to do including medications he is prescribed. My husband has never wanted him to be on medications. She has been allowing doctors to prescribe my stepson different medications over the years since he was five or six years old. My husband has never been able to include me nor our children we have together who are 4 and 13 to be included in therapy sessions. My stepsons behavior has deeply effected our lives for years. My stepson's therapist has no idea our side of things and they only know what his mother wants them to know. She won't even allow my husband to discipline him when he acts out. He is now 17 and out of control. He recently broke down my 13 year olds bedroom door because he wanted in and was locked out. His mother told my husband that if we ever call the police on him she will take him to court. We have no voice, no control, no resources and have struggled so much over the years. We are trying to cope and get by until he can be independent. The irony is that although she rules with an iron fist and has done so all these years.... she plans to kick him out at 18 and wants us to deal with him. I have a four year old and a 13 year old to think about. I love my stepson and want him to have a bright future. I was hoping I could get some advise on how to help him.... how to talk to him without upsetting him or make him mad. His mother hasn't tried teaching him to drive or show him life skills he will need in the future. I just feel so lost and depressed about it all.

Nevertheless, your husband has specific legal rights about the IEP.

My point wasn't to try to change the IEP though, but to ask the school for advice about how to proceed in your own home. And that they would probably talk to him about. It's supposed to be a "team" effort and that includes the parents and your stepson himself. But not all school districts are good about doing that.

Breaking down a door is just on the very verge of expulsion behavior. Will it be one of your younger kids' skulls, next time?

I'm thinking your husband needs to "man up" (sorry, but it seems to fit) when it comes to parenting. That ex-wife is being allowed to do some very controlling behavior that is not in the boy's best interest. At the very minimum, his father deserves to see and consult with his medical and school records and providers.

Unfortunately, you can't "man up" for him. Don't get into a power struggle with the ex-wife - you'll lose, and probably so will your step-son. You should, however, insist on some minimum behavioral standards at your place, and be ready to send him back to Mumsy THAT DAY if they are not met. Guess what? Mumsy probably views those as "her" weekends, and will not be thrilled to have autistic son imposing on her social life.

I would satisfy myself with planning fun behaviors for the stepson on his weekends with you, such as the classes I mentioned, and have minimum standards for behavior. (e.g., no swearing, no shouting, no hitting, and no breaking things.)

Worry about "life skills" down the road when Mumsy kicks him out at 18. Plenty of Asperger's youths learn those things, living independently, etc., in their 20s.

I am a diagnosed aspie for about ten years now. I am in my mid sixties and was "always" aware of the fact that I was different from my peers. Growing up I was taught that there were consequences for my behaviors and responsibilities that I was responsible for.
From the time that I was able, I was assigned household chores: initially taking out trash, sweeping, dusting, etc. As I got older the chores became more involved. I did ironing and dish washing. I helped with the preparation of evening meals. If I neglected an assigned duty I "paid for it" by missing dinner or not watching television or being able to read, etc.
I began driving when I was fifteen and got my driver's license when I turned 16. I began working part time when I was 16 and still in high school. I joined the military right after high school and was in for six years. I held a variety of jobs with varying success until my retirement.
My son was born with many of the same characteristics that I had growing up and I treated him basically the way I was treated. He was assigned age appropriate tasks and informed that things such as television, video games, computer time, etc. would be forfeited if he did not perform his scheduled duties.
Richard Bandler and James Grinder created the NLP process of making the mental connections that aspie minds can identify with in applying logic to everyday relationships.

It's wise to remember that if you've seen one Aspie, you've seen one Aspie.

Keep an open mind as to prospective outcomes, but don't compare one Aspie to another. They may have distinctly different challenges.

My 17 year old sounds a lot like your son, although we are not having the same issues of anger and disrespect. Josh is repeating the 9th grade for the third time and we are hoping that he will eventually be able to graduate. This year he is being home schooled which seems to be helping his ADHD issues although he has never been interested in learning, only playing video games and watching mindless you tube vidoes. He is not interested in learning how to drive, getting his first job, or have much of an interest in the world around him. His social skills are extremely limited and mostly what he talks about are his games and videos. He is a good builder and just completed a $200 Leggo kit of the Batman car called the Tumbler so he does have visual skills. But will he ever be able to function in the real world and be able to take care of himself? It's hard to say. My husband is hopeful that he will be on his own some day and maybe get married and have kids. Me, I am thinking that it will take a lot of intervention in terms of teaching/training to get him to that kind of level of functioning and I am not even sure who or where we could get this kind of help.

I think in your case you can do something about the behavioral issues. Taking away computer and video game privileges are one way of working to correct the disrespectful attitude. I would say that this needs to be addressed before you can think about teaching him how to drive or talking about a first job or the future.

Do you have quality time together as a family? How about time when you can all just relax and have some fun together? These things are also important. And it's important that your son feel he can share his thoughts and feelings openly. This creates more closeness as well between parents and their teens.

So start with the disciplinary issues and building closeness in the relationship. Then move on to other issues if and when he is ready. Let us know how it goes.