I don't know of any real groups for families. We all seem to gather here. I know with my son dealing with death is a brush off. When his grandmother died he supposedly shed a tear...not that I saw it...during the funeral. With his grandfather nothing again. I know he misses them, he just doesn't know what to do with his feelings. It is part of being an Aspie. Feelings don't exist like they do for you and me. Your son is probably dealing with it in his own way. I know you are grieving, and there is a group for that where you may find support, but don't count on your son giving you support.

Thank you!

Hello Janni

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/family-of-aspergers-individuals

This group is quite new as it was started in February and is for the families and partners of Aspies :)

Hi, as you probably know by now, I am one of the Community Leaders ("CL") on the Widows & Widowers board. I am also the mother of a 29-year old Aspie and a 24-year old Autie.

I can tell you that what worked for me and my sons was talking and counseling. My boys each handled the death of their father differently. My younger son didn't really cry over the death until he broke down in my arms at about 5 months. Someone had told him that he "needed to be strong" for his mother (me) and he had hid his grief as much as possible. He did that to the point of not telling me that he was meeting with the school psychologist, thinking I wouldn't know - I did of course because I was talking with his guidance counselor a a regular basis. He still has issues over unresolved disagreements he had with his father - these were minor things - and it has been over 5 years.

My older son is much more emotional, but tried to hide as much of his grief from me as he could as he had been told that now he was supposed to be the "man of the family" and again to "be strong." Just as people say the most insensitive things to us as widows, they also can say things to our kids that are damaging. When you have a son who is very literal at times, it can be that much more so.

I don't know if this sounds like what may be going on with your son. For me and my sons, I had to get used to being very clear and very direct at times. At one point, my younger son had stopped me in mid-grief burst to try to stop me by telling me to "be strong" and I had to tell him that I was being strong, that crying was part of being strong and missing Cliff.

A child, regardless of age, will expereince the loss differently than we will. He cannot understand it, and even if he were an NT he still wouldn't be able to. I lost my father when I was 26, and I knbow as much as I grieved for him that it was nowhere the impact that it was to my mother. I would be clear with your son that you want to spend time with him, and if possible, be clear with him about things you want him to help you with. This may also be his first real experience with a loss of someone close, and he may simply not know what he can do in the situation.

I hope this helps. You can message me anytime, too.

Love and Hugs,
Martha (CL for Widows & Widowers)

Martha, Thank you so much for your reply. I don't know what I'd do without DS! I'm feeling pretty much alone right now. My husband of 19 years who I lost in January, was my son's step-father. So I'm not really sure he grieves the loss. His statement to me afterward was "I know you lost your best friend." I lost my 13 year old dog two weeks after my husband. When my son tried to push me to "babysit" his dog later, it upset me. He hasn't spoken to me since. When pressed in an email he replied "I didn't want to add to your stress." It's been the hardest two months of my life, when I needed family contact. My Aspie son is the only one close by. My youngest son flew from out of state to spend a few days with me. But my Aspie has ignored and neglected me. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him for this. We will never get these two months back. And, yes, he had dealt with grief before. His other brother lived with him and died of a sudden heart attack in '08. That tore me up and we had conflicts at that time, too. I am just overwhelmed in dealing with my losses and financial difficulties to have any reserve left for dealing with my heartless Aspie.

Janni, I know it's not the kinds of responses you want and need from your son, but those probably were the best he could offer you. Some Aspies are very caring but not good at expressing their concern or their affections. My younger son was originally diagnosed as Aspie, and it was changed to Autie 6 months after Cliff died. He has a lot of traits that are more on the Aspie side. Anyway, shortly after the funeral home carried Cliff out in a body bag, I was sitting in the living room crying, and he came over and said, "Well, I guess you'll need to get another husband." I was stunned - Cliff was dead just a few hours, and talk about inappropriate comments! And then he said, "How will I get to school now?" Which sounded so selfish and also inappropriate. The thing is, that was his very inept way of expressing both his recognition of what I had lost and the truth of the impact on his life setting in. It was just him being himself.

I don't think your son is entirely heartless, but his emotional responses are going to be different, and as far as you are concerned, they will be inadequate. You will not be able to expect too much from him. Asperger's and Autism is a spectrum, and there are those folks on the low emotional care end of that spectrum. My older son is the one that is more caring and concerned; it sounds like in your case it's the younger one. I think you will need to seek your support from other family and friends.

I do think you will need to communicate as clearly as you can what you need from your Aspie son. Also, from my experience with both my guys, if I explain why something upset me or was inappropriate, they usually will at least try not to do it again. I am sorry he was not able to help you or comfort you and then hurt you as well. I know how much these early days hurt, and I am glad you found DS - it helped me a lot.

Love and Hugs,
Martha