Asperger Syndrome Support Group
Asperger syndrome - also referred to as Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's, Aspergers or just AS - is one of five neurobiological pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), and is characterized by deficiencies in social and communication skills, normal to above normal intelligence, and standard language development.
As a mom- I always have had many hopes and dreams for my children- of course I want them to grow up healthy and happy, and feeling good about themselves as well as be individuals who are generous of spirit- I also want them to believe that they can probably do anything that they are really passionate about and put their heart into (vocationally speaking). Recently my daughter's counselor suggested I "grieve" the loss of my dreams for my 14 year old daughter with Aspergers. She said that I should lower my expectations and concentrate on the minimal safety standards that any parent would have (i.e. keep her from getting pregnant or hooked on drugs- which I am actively doing now)... and to let the other "dreams" go. I find this idea really depressing... and it would seem that I am selling my daughter short by not having similar hopes and dreams for her as I would my other children. I am not prescribing how I think her life should look like- that will be up to her- but is it unrealistic to think she will grow up, perhaps get further education, get a job and support herself someday? Perhaps get married and have a family? She is leaning toward going into the military- is that a possibility for her? I am not in denial about her challenges- I guess I just don't want to give up all hope for her to have a successful adulthood...
Do you want to live your life in denial, of pretending that you don't know why?
How would you know what unrealistic was for your daughter? Would it be when you saw her try and fall short a number of times? Or would it be when you noticed her difficulty in mastering a basic, more fundamental development step?
You'd probably have to consult a military representative to find out qualifications and/or restrictions, but I'm sure they have their own screening program and they would be able to determine her eligibility during her recruitment process.
I'm wishing you good luck with this as I know full well how hard it is to work through what you're facing.
As a parent of grown kids I can tell you with complete confidence that it doesn't matter what you want for any kid - they'll do what they will and it'll be ok.
(But really watch for drugs and sexual activity. That stuff turns up everywhere with these young people. It's like they have no self control.)
As for the military, my youngest son, who has a lot of autistic tendencies was turning into a screw-up (the easiest thing to be) but joined the Army and turned it all around.
I was worried that he wouldn't cut the mustard but he's a really good soldier. The regiment of Army life has brought out his best.
Let her try any thing she's motivated to try (except drugs and sex.) Encourage her to do her best and be there to pick up the pieces when she fails. Always let her know that tomorrow is another opportunity. Try to remember that failure is an important lesson, too. Let it happen while she's still in a state of grace so she can learn to cope on her own.
Talk to her about boys so that later when you really need to discuss them, it's not as uncomfortable.
I doubt that a single one of my classmates, teachers or relatives back then would guess what I do now for a living. In fact, I still surprise a lot of people! However, 2 of the brightest kids in my high school had tragic adult lives, so you never know what the future will bring.
I'd say support her in whatever she wants to do and make it about being a fun journey, instead of focusing on the end result. Happiness is not at the end of the rainbow anyway.
What about Einstein who was considered unfit for academia when his father was trying to place him.....the years he spent in dull and marginal employment, and even after publishing his greatest work had to wait 15 years before his contemporaries caught up with him enough to even criticise? Or FDR with his polio, of Teddy Roosevelt with his asthma....or ANY black person in America for that matter or any woman who had to rise above the imposed status quo, and after all ANYONE who EVER did ANYTHING of value had to overcome some sort of set back, discrimination, peer pressure, illness, or simply the fact that the thing they did had never been done before!
I'd not take a chance of devaluing ANYONE's potential to do anything...
Hey look at our last President....granted, the family's position helped but if he can rise with his "work ethic", "education", and "personality" how can anyone calculate odds against your child or anyone else's?
On the Military: It's a great place to discover that you are just as capable as anyone else. It's also a great place to get killed. I wouldn't trade my service time for anything, in a lot of ways it made me who I am today, (for whatever that may be worth) but as with anywhere else, your sucess, achievement, and advancement come from your effort, understanding, and spirit....and generally happens in spite of the environment. It's hard to soar with eagles when you work with turkeys. Want inspiration? Look inward. Want someone worth following....BE that someone.
Also, what are the chances that she is acting this way because she knows there is someone out there to pick her up when she falls? Someday she'll have to do things on her own and I'm sure you'll be surprised with how much she learned when you weren't looking.
If she has an IQ of 130, she probably has what it takes to learn what everyone else already knows by nature. It just takes time and a conscious effort.
I wish I had known that and/or believed that 20 years ago.
The best thing about running full force as fast as you can is that when you trip and fall, you don't even have to bend over to smell the roses, your face is already in the bush.