Asperger Syndrome Support Group
Asperger syndrome - also referred to as Asperger's syndrome, Asperger's, Aspergers or just AS - is one of five neurobiological pervasive developmental disorders (PDD), and is characterized by deficiencies in social and communication skills, normal to above normal intelligence, and standard language development.
Hello Friends,
Ok...now's the time when I remember why I joined this site. Because it's not rainbows and butterflies being with my Aspie boyfriend. I love him TO DEATH and I know he loves me back. We have been together for 3 years and I know this sounds VERY stupid, elementary, desperate, etc, but I really don't care. It's the little things that make you feel great and the little things that make you feel ungreat.
He doesn't call me, email me back, etc etc. He never answers his cell phone. I have discussed that if I was in an emergency, I could be dead for two days and he'd have no idea. Most times it's safe to say he's sleeping at his house and probably is unaware, but why does he not respond to me IN THE MOMENT. He gets my emails, but doesn't email me back. He told me he was maybe going to come over tonight to my apartment. I said that'd be great and then he didn't come and I never heard from him. This is getting very old. I have talked to him about it numerous times and he does not understand why that is confusing and why it should matter.
You can tell me if I am being too sensitive, but I think any person would feel bad and feel like their significant other did not care if they were talking about plans, the person didn't show up and never called. This dating 101. We have been together for 3 YEARS. So why does it STILL bother me and why is it not different? When I try to tell him about how I feel, he doesn't take it seriously and starts teasing me and trying to get me smile and laugh. Sometimes I don't want to smile. When I don't, he gets grumpy. He just doesn't get it and its so frustrating to me.
I know this seems like a small trivial thing, but it adds up. If enough snowflakes get together, they become an avalanche.
Ok...now's the time when I remember why I joined this site. Because it's not rainbows and butterflies being with my Aspie boyfriend. I love him TO DEATH and I know he loves me back. We have been together for 3 years and I know this sounds VERY stupid, elementary, desperate, etc, but I really don't care. It's the little things that make you feel great and the little things that make you feel ungreat.
He doesn't call me, email me back, etc etc. He never answers his cell phone. I have discussed that if I was in an emergency, I could be dead for two days and he'd have no idea. Most times it's safe to say he's sleeping at his house and probably is unaware, but why does he not respond to me IN THE MOMENT. He gets my emails, but doesn't email me back. He told me he was maybe going to come over tonight to my apartment. I said that'd be great and then he didn't come and I never heard from him. This is getting very old. I have talked to him about it numerous times and he does not understand why that is confusing and why it should matter.
You can tell me if I am being too sensitive, but I think any person would feel bad and feel like their significant other did not care if they were talking about plans, the person didn't show up and never called. This dating 101. We have been together for 3 YEARS. So why does it STILL bother me and why is it not different? When I try to tell him about how I feel, he doesn't take it seriously and starts teasing me and trying to get me smile and laugh. Sometimes I don't want to smile. When I don't, he gets grumpy. He just doesn't get it and its so frustrating to me.
I know this seems like a small trivial thing, but it adds up. If enough snowflakes get together, they become an avalanche.
What I can say, is that some people are just like that. Heck I don't think that I'm quite as bad as your boyfriend, but I'm not far off.....and I'm not Aspergers...not even close. It would drive me a bit nuts if someone expected me to call them back immediately. But then I don't even have a cell phone, and right now my voicemail if full....so good luck even getting through....
In short, you're going to have to decide if this is something that you're OK living with long term, or if you'll feel resentment build up inside of you. If it really bothers you, it might be better to break off the relationship now, because it will only bother you more in 10-20 years.
Has he consistently ignored your communications for the past 3 years, or is this a change? If it's his natural self, then perhaps you are realizing that what you want in a relationship is something he cannot provide. If it's a change, then it might be good to discuss it with him.
Either way, I agree with patti. If you can live with being regularly ignored, then make yourself happy with what you have. If this is the hill worth dying on, then have that conversation with your boyfriend, and be very clear: "If you don't respond to my communications within x amount of time, then I am going to believe that you don't value me, and I will break up with you because I value me."
He may not realize how unimportant he is making you feel.
Hopefully he'll hear me out this time. It also ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's fine, and other times...I don't know. I feel worse sometimes more than others. I don't want to give up on the relationship, so here I go trying again!
Thank goodness for all of this knowledge and literature. I feel glad to live in this day and age where there is much to know about this subject. I think many people years ago (and even probably on this site) didn't know anything about Aspergers and took everything personally and learned everything the hard way.
Thanks for listening.
What I do know to do is the getting clear in your own mind how you feel part and that sounds like part of your questioning is whether or not his actions should bother your. Clearly they do bother you and I think that trumps everything else.
Do you know what you want from a relationship? How important are the issues you are listing? Do you rate them on par with squeezing toothpaste from the middle of the tube? Is is something deeper that is likely to keep surfacing? If its something deeper than denying that truth and sublimating your own authentic feelings is only going to cause resentment over the long term.
As I've understood it, some of the healthiest approaches to relationships often involve doing silly things such as making "official rules" for fights and disagreements and negotiating boundaries, idiosyncrasies and even chore-loads. For instance, you might discover over time that on a scale of importance you've decided to give him leaving the toilet seat up in exchange for having him stop in the middle of an argument to re-listen to what it is you are saying simply because you have used a mutually agreed upon "key word" that indicates that something really important is going on.
Setting rules and negotiating works alot better than wishing and hoping.