Hi Anna!

I had to laugh to myself when reading the symptoms you posted (especially the "La-La Land part) because I am an Aspie too, and most if not all of the symptoms you listed are applicable to me. From the sound of things, your man does seem to be trying to work on things...the bigger question is, do you have the patience to deal with his condition? Men are different from women, and I think AS may sometimes have a more negative effect on men than it does on us. But I think it's worth a shot to hang in there with him (acceptance of our condition is a key part in how we interact with you). If it helps, I could tell you what likely triggers the above AS symptoms what might help:

1. Poor socially (but still loves people who accept him)
WHAT HELPS: Acceptance. Period. No AS jokes (because we don't find AS jokes amusing, especially coming from a NT), no put-downs, just unconditional love. This is not to say that if your man does something really wrong that you dont have the right to be angry about it and express just because he has AScontinue to be yourself, and encourage him to be himself. The problem with us Aspies is that a lot of times we think that blending in requires us to be someone other than ourselves, which takes a toll on our self-esteem, so just encourage him to be himselfwhatever that may be and dont be apologetic about his condition, but learn to apologize when hes done something wrong.

2. Musical genius/Tells people needless details about things he's interested in
WHAT HELPS: Most of us Aspies are geniuses at certain things, but can become heavily absorbed by the object of our attention. When he gets too absorbed in "genius stuff" point out directly and specifically (but nicely use the Golden Rule) that while you can appreciate his talents/interests, you really need him to recognize the fact that you also have talents and interests too that are worthy of acknowledgment, even if I don't find them particularly amusing, you'd still like to share them with him because it's a part of you---(can't stress it enough that you need to be specific and DIRECT). It also helps to let him know that you dont think hes intentionally neglecting you but somehow got swept away by his passion for [fill in the blanks] to help reel him back in.

3. Off in La-La Land most times
WHAT HELPS: I go to this place often when I am depressed and am feeling like my reality sucks and Im powerless to change it...so I just dream stuff up that I do like or want and live there until I'm forced back into reality. Think of a time where youve gone to La-La Land and why you went thereits likely the same reason your man is a frequent visitormention to him that you notice that he seems mentally checked out and encourage him to talk or vent about it. Relate to him the times youve visited La-La Land and why and let him know that while its okay to check out sometimes, youre concerned that hell fall into a deep depression.

4. Struggles with physical affection - especially publicly (getting better)
WHAT HELPS: This is typical not only of Aspies but of any person who was never hugged, kissed, and shown regular healthy affection by their parents or guardian. With Aspies, eye contact can be difficult especially if we have sensitivity issues with personal space/proximity. Since hes working on it, he must care about you, so be patientmen move slower than women in these areas.

5. Needs alone time/Doesn't call for days/Struggled with saying "I love you" but is getting better/ Sensitive and takes things personally
WHAT HELPS: Aspies tend to need alone time so we can mentally process things that weve mentally taken in or to go to La-La Land. We also act this way when we feel overwhelmed by someone elses demands or requests for our presence (Aspies are typically afraid of being social because were not naturally good at it so we tend to be very self-conscious about most things social). Because weve never fit in as children due to AS, weve become accustomed to always being alone which has hurt our ability to share our personal space and time with others (you might want to talk about that with himbeing alone is a learned behavior that can become a terrible comfort zone/stronghold). Ask him to call and be around more, and let him know that you understand that its difficult for him to do, and reward him when he does call and hang out with you more (who doesnt like rewards). Reward the reciprocity and let him know that its a mutual expectation as well.

6. Sensitive and takes things personally
WHAT HELPS:

7. OCD and very neat/perfectionist
WHAT HELPS: Aspies survive on routines, including how we keep our house and perform tasks. The obsessive-compulsive need for order and neatness helps us to create mental order, focus, and stay organizedso when you rearrange the way we physically place things, we freak out because you might as well have rearranged our very thoughts! Discuss things like this with your man and let him know that just because something is placed/ordered differently than he would have it, doesnt necessarily make it wrong (I had to learn this with my son who also has ASonce I accepted that MY WAY is not the ONLY WAY, I became more comfortable with itnot that it didnt bother me a little or cause me to notice the changes, I allowed myself to stop caring so much about things always being my way). I hope that made sense.

If all else fails, have him email me (LOL but seriously). I can relate to the condition because I have it. Perhaps hell join us one day on the site and hell begin to feel better. Good luck!

Many blessings and hugs, (and sorry for writing a novel!)

Trinity

Trinity,

Thanks so very much for your insight and willingness to share. I like "novels" because I'm eager to learn everything I can. Some of his traits to present a challenge, but there are many things about Aspies that make them unique to others and a different set of really wonderful qualities.

I found myself nodding to many of the things you said. Your advice was extremely helpful. The whole reason I joined this site was to speak to other Aspies instead of navigate this whole world by myself. He has said things like, "I have to be polite and cheerful when I am with you family and that is really exhausting -- I wish I could just be myself." So when you said that, it totally rang a bell. In that situation, I reminded him that when I am with HIS family, I don't feel like I can totally be myself either, and that it's normal to feel that way for anyone visiting a boyfriend or girlfriend's parents.

When you get a chance, could you fill me on the "sensitive and takes things personally" issue? I can't get through to him sometimes that when things happen, it doesn't mean that he is a failure. He is oftentimes too hard on himself when it's not even rational, and many times, not even his fault that things go wrong.

If you don't mind, I have a couple other questions for you. I get frustrated when:

He doesn't see the big picture. For instance, applying for jobs. He doesn't think ahead that if he gets a job, we can move on with our relationship (he cam move out, learn to be independent, get married, etc). He just sees it as a pain-in-the-butt process and avoids doing it until he absolutely has to, or when something lights a fire under him (me, or a certain amount of unproductive time).

His anger: When I am upset with him about something, he starts to speak to me like Data from Star Trek. He is obviously not into the conversation and does not want to take the time and effort to resolve. He just wants everything to be fine. He also gets extremely angry when electronics break for no reason, or stop working. What is that about? It's ONLY electronics!

I look forward to your response. I am planning on sharing with him that I joined this site, but I need to take it one step at a time (told him I ordered a book on Aspergers and relationships). I just don't want him to feel like he's causing me grief because I "had to join a support group." He might see it as something negative, where I see it totally opposite -- a way to be more informed in order to have a successful relationships. Any tips on how to explain that to him? Because he might not believe me right away.

Thanks so much Trinity!!!

Oh just to explain further: He WANTS to get a better job. It's not that the desire isn't there. He just can't get past the painstaking process of actually sitting down for a long time and DOING it. Now when it comes to music...he could sit and do that for days and not eat or sleep!!

About the electronics. He has smashed a laptop (not even totally wrecked...just some malfunction). He took pliers to the screen. His speakers were making a funny noise and he threw everything and the subwoofer (big), out of his second story bedroom window). And he smashed his desktop computer when it wasn't working. Now, he only does this to electronics. Nothing else -- not people, cars, his furniture, or musical instruments. I wonder if there's some sort of significance to this?

Anyway, just wanted to clarify those couple things. THanks again!

Hello again Anna!
8. Sensitive/taking things personally/His anger
To answer your questions about your man taking things personally, being overly sensitive, and his anger issues, I can tell you it all comes from many years of emotional, mental, and/or physical abuse in the form of varying degrees of unconstructive criticism, jokes, and exclusion (from conversations and other social interactions) from family and peers, which wears on a person (especially an Aspie) very badly because weve been treated like were not normal most of our lives. This is exactly why so many of us are perfectionistswere not perfectionists by choice but a defense mechanism to please others (and ultimately keep them off our backs) who didnt or dont understand our condition and felt we were idiots who couldnt get anything right.

Once weve been told were wrong, we feel extremely bad, feel like complete failures, end up overcompensating by apologizing profusely for not being normal like everyone else, try to overcorrect the issue, and the meltdown process begins. All also add that this is what fuels his anger and makes him hypersensitivebecause hes already endured so much abuse and isolation from being bullied as a child and possible during adulthood (this is why he overreacts when you become even reasonably upset with himhe associates this temporary disapproval and complete disapproval and he needs to be shown the difference between the two). He needs to feel safe from this type of abuse, even when he does make a mistake (everyone wants this, but Aspies rarely get to feel this way because people dont understand our condition and dont care enough to find out about our condition kudos to you for caring enough to investigate!) Discuss this with your man and ask him if hes ever been told (or felt) like he cant get anything rightif he says yes, let him know youd like to hear his side of the story (so he can vent). Then let him know how wrong you felt his maltreatment was and that youre on his sidethis will help disarm him.

That said, when theres a problem you need to bring to his attention, its going to be all about your deliveryhow your frame your comments. Instead of talking about what he did wrong, FIRST ACKNOWLEDGE HIS EFFORTS AND INTENT TO GET/DO IT RIGHT (hes used to hearing the opposite, so this will disarm him)then tell him specifically how you would like for him to do it differently (and why, if necessary). For the most part, I always thought that in my fathers eyes I could do nothing right, and he would call me things like space cadet and the absent-minded professor which always hurt my feelings, made me feel like a bad person, and unworthy of his love, but years later, I got to a place in my mind where I just didnt care anymore, so it didnt matter anymore. Now I can assert my boundariesI dont tolerate people criticizing/judging me in an unconstructive way.I shut them down mid-sentence! As for your man, hes likely experienced some if not all or more of the same things Ive described to you from my past, and hell really appreciate your efforts to understand him better. At least hes trying, which is more than I can say for the last NT that called himself interested in me (he was a jerk, I made mistakes typical of Aspies with him (he wasnt as graceful as you when it comes to forgiving) and you know what? I simply dont give a hoot (LOL) I am who I am (unapologetically me)!

Take care and let me know if that helps Anna!
Trinity

Hi TrinityC, I separated from my husband because he was verbally abusive and angry almost all of the time. We ended up losing a really great house and property that are gone, and it is not practical to think that we can ever get it back, or get that life we had at that time back. He says he spends all of his time fantasizing about how to get the house back. He can't see that it wasn't the house--it was the house and the things we did together and the friends we had that we did things with--they've moved on, the property has been split up, I have medical problems that mean I can't do the things that we did at that time in our lives. I have written to him that I am really angry at the mental health counselors that I dragged him to see because none of them understood him, or took the time to understand how he was or what his condition was, and that if they had, I would likely have worked with him and never have left him. I have told him I love him and will always love him, but I am afraid that I did the one thing that I think he feared the most which is to leave him--abandon him--so I don't know if he can ever trust me again. I had told him I don't want to see him wasting his life, alone, when he could have a life with friends and doing things with me again if he wants it, and that I would do things differently. He has not answered any of this directly, but I am moving 1400 miles away. I have told him I am very sad to be moving so far away, but I must have a life for myself. I still want him to be a part of it. I know he doesn't like cities and doesn't like hot weather, but there are many pluses to where I am moving.

He made it a point to have breakfast with me when I was in the area where he lives, and is 90 miles away from where I am, and bought the meal even though he is notorious for never paying for anything.
I take it as a good sign, but I wonder if I am seeing false hope, because I do love him.

He did ask me to send him photos of the new house I am buying, so I hope he is doing his best and inching toward trusting me again.

Hi FoxPawPress!

Welcome to the fold, and thanks for reaching out!

I'm not sure what issues your husband is suffering from (I'm not a licensed mental health professional) but I am an Aspie, and know a lot about the condition....and I know a lot about abuse. There are a lot of variables in your situation that you did not disclose (nor do you need to) regarding how your husband lost your home, but I will tell you, that a man who does not act on his husbandly responsibilities to be a solid provider, protector, and leader of his household is not worthy of you. Fantasizing about things getting/being better will not make it better, and being notorious for never paying for things (which means everything comes at your expense) is highly irresponsible/inconsiderate/disrespectful to you.

I know you love him and have likely been with him for a long time (that's not a crime), but accepting him back without him proving that he's made a 180 degree turn in his behavior is opening yourself up for more abuse/heartache. Think about it: Would invest or continue investing your life savings into a stock or venture that you already knew was unreliable and on the verge of collapse? If not, isn't your time, peace of mind, and happiness more valuable?

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing to move on with your life...despite the fact that your heartstrings are being tugged on right now, stay strong, firm on your word, and remember to love yourself and not allow yourself to be used/abused... you are more than a meal ticket, and your "real man" is still out there, waiting for you to happen to him.

Good luck!

Trinity

I am not diagnoses but I think I am now that my son has been.

I am always working on myself to do better with my husband and family. The biggest issue I have is my obbessive behavior over things I am interested in.

But I do tend to shut down but I have never given up. The key with me is I love my husband so I don't give up. I gave up on my mom but not cause I don't love her it is impossible. I gave up on my Dad once again because impossible.

I am thinking only you can anwer your own question. This might be a matter of how much this means to both of you. You can't do everything. I hope you find peace and I am glad you found someone you love so much!