I think it's important that you look after yourself - in that way your son will get a better deal from you in the long run.

It's not your fault the way he is.

All children are a struggle, he's a teenager and that usually isn't a fun time for anyone... and I've seen many normal kids go down the roads that break a parent's heart that an aspie is unlikely to go down.

all the best.

Thank you for your comment acuriousfish. Sometimes I forget to appreciate the good things about Josh's asperger's, like not getting caught up in the latest trend or caring much about peer pressure. And he's not rebellious like some kids are at this age, so thank you for reminding me about that. You have wonderful insight.

thanks for posting this... I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and suspects he has AS. He is a sweetheart. Until I started researching this syndrome yesterday, I thought that he was jut sheltered and had childhood issues of neglect and noone ever taught him how to act socially. So, I was comitted in helping him.. One year later not much has changed. I found myself staring at him at a family barbecue yesterday. And I realized that he couldnt help . being socially akward, seemingly inconsiderate etc. I have had several talks with him in the car before we went to certain social events and despite all of the cues and lectures, arguments..I am at the crossroad of either accepting him for who he is his good qualities and bad qualities or moving on. He is in college, he is 26 and lives at home with his parents and his older brother that i suspect also has AS. I am 37 woman that has a child away at college too. We have been waiting for him to finish school in 2 years and then we would get married and start our life. I am now deflated because I feel like his symptoms will never get better...Will they? Have you seen any improvement in your son over the years? I am already tired of corrections in grammar, and speech, explaining basic relationship norms...but, I do think he is a great guy and i care about him.. I am afraid that he wont beable to cope in coporate world when he gets his degree. He says that he wants to travel and experience different things and seems open to doing so when we go to dinner etc. But, I dont know if he is just doing that because he knows how important that is to me, as he is becoming more clingy lately. I just don't know what to do ... dont want to hurt him but, I also don't want to be miserable. : (

Yes I have seen progress in Josh over the years. In the second grade he would have melt downs in school and and would also have trouble working in a group. Now he can work pretty well with a group and he tries to do his part. Sorry to hear about your struggles with your boyfrend.

thanks for listening ,,,I hope i can get to where you are in accepting your son wholeheartedly AS and all...

my son was diagnosed at the age of 14, almost 3 years ago. we treat him just as we always have for the most part. he has to follow the same rules as his sisters and gets punished if he doesn't follow them. he has responsibilities including a grass cutting job for the neighbor. he doesn't have many friends and that is fine (compared to his sister it is sometimes a relief). he lives in his room a lot and plays video and computer games, but he goes online and plays with strangers or classmates. he just recently bought a new game so he could play more with his one friend. when before we used to make him be a part of the family at events, we now leave him do his own thing. depending on the event, sometimes he joins in, sometimes he doesn't. last night he was done studying for his finals so he went to a memorial service for his grandfather. it wasn't where he really wanted to be but he took care of his grandmother at the service.

sometimes you just need to let them set the pace. there is a time and place for everything. as they get older, expectations have to change.

My son is has Asperger's too. I did not find out until he was 16 for sure. When he was little he was first diagnosed with a learning disability because he could not grasp the concept of words and speech. Also, because his social skills at age 4 1/2 were not developed for his age, they entered him into a special education preschool and within 6 months they were able to bring him up to Kindergarten level. All it took was for them to be repetitive with him. They would ask the question and then give him the answer. Then at the age of 5 1/2 he was diagnosed with ADHD and all through his beginning childhood he was going to speech therapy.

I have 4 children he is my second child and I have always treated him like my other children. But I also knew that it took him longer to learn something new and/or to change a bad habit. As I recall it took him several months of repetitive reminders for him to be able to learn something. It takes a lot of patients with children like this. I never got mad at him even though there were times I had to yell at him to get his attention. It just became a routine for me as well.

My son was never diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I even took him to an Asperger's Specialist and in so many words he did say my son has Asperger's, but he would not make it official. I guess because my son does have (for the loss of a better word) "normal" traits that other people with server Asperger Syndromes have. This doctor did not want to put that title on my son.

My son will be 20 soon, going to college, living at home. He cannot work because when he does his grades will drop. The same thing happened when he was in High school and he tried to play sports.

My son time consists of household chores, playing on the computer and playing video games. I have learned to accept that he may never have any friends and I found out that most people with Asperger Syndrome are "ok" with that. For us it is not normal but for them it is. My struggles with him now are Life Administrative Skills. He struggles with making doctor's appointments for himself, calling "tech support" for his computer, going to the store and asking the clerk for assistance with finding something, filling out paperwork, etc. I still slowly have to teach him these things. I have to talk him through it every time, but if an unexpected scenario occurs; he immediately stops and if he is not home he will go home.

My son learns what some people would call "normal" behavior, but I also now that there is some behaviors my son has that are unique to him and I would never change that. He is who he is and I teach him what he needs to know to function in this world, the rest I don't worry about.

Thank you all for your comments. It's interesting that people are talking about how their aspie kids seem to be "okay" with not having a lot of friends. I think Josh is dong okay with it too although I think there are times that he wishes he could make friends more easily (How do you explain to your child WHY it's so hard for them to make friends without hurting their feelings? Haven't figured that one out yet). These past few days I have been more accepting and less stressed and less worried about Josh's situation. He seems pretty happy for the most part with his solitary routine of playing with Leggos, watching t.v. and playing video games. He laughs a lot and is clearly not depressed by any means and so I suppose that I have been worrying for nothing. Thanks again everyone for your support.

Have you asked your son if he wishes he could make friends more easily? That may just be your perception. I have learned that what you perceive is so much different then what an Aspie will perceive or think.

I use to think that too, but when I asked my son he told me "no". He just gets very frustrated with other people and how they interact with him.

There is one thing though...when he was 18, I had returned to the church. I encouraged him to go Adult church classes to understand the religion better and I think that was the best thing for him. He opened up more, the group (of young adults) accepted him the way he was and encouraged him to speech his opinion and participate in the class. He did enjoy the experience and still communicates with some people from that class, but I know that if it were something long term, he would not go. He does go to church every Sunday, by himself. He will go at a different time then us because the people from his class go at that time. He calls them friends but they are more of acquaintances, but that is the closest he has gone to have friends. I am not saying church is the answer, but maybe some kind of Youth function may help, but it would have to be at his own pace.

Eboneerain, I too have been w my bf w AS for one year now. I didn't know he had AS or ADD, but figured it out on my own and w the help of a therapist. So you can only imagine the frustration I went through. He is successful. He has a very high paying job and bought a condo. He's able to live independently and make friends. I try to focus on his strengths and all the things he does well or that he does for me. Now that I know he has AS I don't get as frustrated. I just tell him what to do or say cuz he doesn't know. I give him reminders before some social situations. He's probably more clingy to you because he relies on you and trusts you.

I haven't actually come out and asked Josh if he wishes it were easier for him to make friends, but I can tell that he does feel that way. Today he was crying because the neighborhood kids wouldn't play with him and he felt ignored. He kept saying, "I'm tired of being treated like I'm a ghost (ie; invisible). Even at his private christian school the kids in his class do not befriend him, and some of them actually give him a hard time. He does have one friend though who lives about 30 minutes from us, although I have to do all of the transporting of the other child in order for the two of them to get together. I guess it's hard for me to just "give up" and not keep trying to make things better for him, although you're probably right that he probably perceives things differently from the way that I see them.

Hi Heidi, I have two sons diagnosed on the spectrum - a 27-year old Aspie and a 23-year old Autie. I can tell you from experiences with both of them that the middle school years are probably the worst. Kids are cruel to each other at that age and very clique-ish - much more so than in elementary school and usually more than in high school. Both of my guys were beat up in middle school for being different. Those few years in each of their lives were terrible. They have all the usual issues any "normal" young guy has, but with an added layer to it.

My sons share one friend, a young guy who's also on the spectrum. Most of the time, that and having each other around is plenty for them. They both have always preferred the company of intelligent adults - a very Aspie trait. They would both, however, like to have female company and be romantically involved, but they haven't had any success at that.

I went through counseling for stress and anxiety that originally I thought was work stress. It wasn't. It was in therapy that I found out how much I had been emotionally impacted by my sons' disabilities. It was a crucial realization as I was not taking care of myself, and the accumulated stress was taking its toll in other areas of my life. If you can speak with a therapist, I would heartily recommend you do so. As a parent, we go through a lot of self-blame for whatever suffering they have and guilt for not being able to "make it all better." The guilt can eat you alive.

As far as accepting my guys for who they are? It's a blessing to me in so many ways. As Acuriousfish has noted, there are things that "normal" kids do that they aren't interested in. I had friends who had sons the same ages as my sons. The classic example was one I had lunch with one day and asked her about her son. I meant the littlest one that was still at home (about 12), but she answered about all 3. "My eldest is in jail for carjacking. I refused to waste good money to get him a lawyer to get him off when I know he'll just do it again. The middle one is living with my ex-husband because his step-daddy caught him stealing from us again to sell things for drug money. He was homeless for awhile before his daddy took him in, but I wasn't going to have that kind of trouble in the house. The little one is doing great - he's going out for football this year!" So - yeah - I am grateful sometimes that my guys are NOT normal..... They don't do drugs or drink or run with a gang and neither of them is a "player" by any stretch of the imagination. And they are just way more interesting people than most I know. And there isn't a malicious bone in their bodies - they are genuinely nice guys.

It's a challenge to balance their needs and our own. All parenting is, but it's harder to know what kind of boundaries you have to have when they are on the spectrum. Some things are a piece of cake, and other things take a LOT of work.

Hope this helps.... Hugs...

The thing that concerns me about my daughter's boyfriend who is 30 and has AS is his ability to be able to hold a job. He is very happy to sit in his room and read and watch movies and do research online. He is highly intellengent but admits he does not have the ambition to find a job. He likes being alone, as long as he has my daughter in his life. She works, sometimes two jobs, but cannot support them. They are presently living here and it is almost a year now. I am not sure she understands what her life will be like if she stays with him. We all encourage him to get out there are try, a job will not come to him. If you are considering marriage, you may want to join a support group or do more research as to the ability of your boyfriend to hold a job. If you are okay with working and supporting him and you love him and won't resent him, then you may have a chance at making a marriage work.

Thanks cliffskat for your comments. It really does help to know what others are dealing with. Josh has a lot of good qualities, there's no question about that. I think that a lot of aspies are caring people who know what it's like to be an outside and who do not alienate others as a result. Josh likes to talk to adults. His teacher this past year was really wonderful and often we would stay after school for a while and chat with her. He is very comfortable with adults. And your advice about getting counseling for the guilt and grief are probably a good idea. I need counseling anyway since I suffer from depression as well.