I think, sadly you have hit on a universal truth

"Is it normal for NT/Aspie couples to do great for years before marriage and then everything go south?"

can be rephrased as

"Is it normal for NT couples to do great for years before marriage and then everything go south?"

The answer is yes. Something like 50% of mariages fail. They all start off well.

the old adage is that women marry men hoping they will change, men marry women hoping they won't. Both are doomed to disappointment.

Thank you for your reply.

In regards to the NT relationships, I do agree with that...and I think the divorce rate is growing, which is sad. I have also read that NT/Aspie relationships have an 80% divorce rate, which is significantly higher which is what scares me a little. I really want our relationship to last a lifetime...hence taking vows seriously...but I am just wanting a perspective in terms of the ups and downs with an Asperger partner. All relationships have problems, but Aspie relationship problems (though not always more frequent) are unique and different from NT/NT relationship problems.

I have really REALLY tried to make sure I am not loving Ryan for who he COULD be. I love him as is.

On a positive note: I've wondered if some Aspie/NT relationships work better than NT/NT relationships because of the conscious effort to communicate effectively and understand one another. I would bet sometimes NTs get lazy in their efforts to effectively communicate which then creates much larger problems in the long run. I'd like to think this is a possibility, too.

I'd ignore these stats that people put up - most are nonesense.

I remember that it has often been repeated that bipolar divorce rates are three times higher than normal - so that's 150%? But following that back it came from one source that said "some studies indicate..." and then no further info. When you check the proper research the story is actually very different.But that is the great thing about the internet, if you say things that people want to believe, they will.

So I'd ignore these things.

I'll give you some advice. If you have doubts about the future of your relationship wait until you are certain one way or another.

While the thing about women wanting to change men is a joke it is also quite serious. If you expect him to change you may be disappointed. He will of course over time but it probably won't be something you can control or influence - so please, for your sake and for his, be sure you are happy with him as he is now before committing.

All relationships change after marriage, whether there is an Aspie involved or only NTs or whatever. If you want to get a good idea of it, take a look at the magazines that older women read - and count the number of articles about "putting the fire back into your romance" and the importance of scheduling "date nights with your husband" and so on. ALL marriages require work. Yes, that four-letter word - WORK.

My first husband was an undiagnosed Aspie (Asperger's wasn't even in the diagnostic manuals back then). Our marriage was often a challenge, but we were together until he died in my arms - 30 years after we got together. Sometimes it was tough going, but there were certain needs that only he filled in my life, and he truly was my best friend. We were comfortable together.

Because we were together for so long, a number of younger ladies over the years asked me how do you know if he's the one, etc. My personal view is that it has to do with how "comfortable" you are together. It doesn't matter if the sex is great Saturday night if on Sunday morning you have nothing to talk about and aren't comfortable hanging out reading the paper (or whatever). If at your core level you are in agreement philosophically and morally, you can make it work.

My new husband (Acuriousfish) is diagnosed as Aspie and Bipolar. We've known each other almost 5 years and have been married for over 2 years now, and we are happy together. We both work at making our communication better and our times together more enjoyable.

I have 2 sons - a 29-year old Aspie and a 24-year old Autie by my first husband, so I'm old enough to be your mother. As both the wife and the mother of an Aspie, I can tell you that my roles are filled with joy and pain. It is not easy seeing the people you love suffer. It is particularly hard seeing your children suffer, and if you are thinking of raising a family together, you need to be aware of the risks involved. Your firstborn will have a 50-50 chance of having an Autism Spectrum Disorder (including Asperger's). If your firstborn has an ASD, the likelihood of the next child having an ASD shoots up to something like two-thirds, and further still for a subsequent child. It could be Asperger's, or like my second child, it could be Autism. You need to be aware of that for your long-range plans. My late husband and I were considering having a third child at the time our second child's disabilities started to appear, and we couldn't get a definitive diagnosis, so we opted to not have another child. Having two kids with special needs is hard enough, three would have been impossible for me to handle, especially after my husband died.

If I had known how much my children would suffer, I would have adopted instead. That is always an option. My Aspie son has told me straight out that if he is lucky enough to get married someday that he will not have any kids because of the risk of having somebody like his autistic brother. It's harsh, but it is our reality.

This is a delicate subject for many of us in this forum, and I do not mean to offend anyone with my comments. I truly love all my guys, but sugar-coating the challenges isn't realistic. It is better if you go into the marriage with a clear view.

Only you and he know what you should do and can do. I wish you all the best of luck.

Hugs....

I didn't marry an aspie, but this is my story in a nutshell.

Lived together 11 years, married 9, marriage changed nothing other than my name.

Kids changed everything. (It was my son issues in kindergarten that brought me to this board, but he had a long history of not pointing until 2 1/2, and enough to fill pages....)

Basically a special needs kid killed my marriage. But it wasn't just that, it was the way each of us coped. He drank...everyday for the last year of the marriage...was never around. Our sex life went to hell. I STRESSED. My ex was never big on communication...and repairing issues between us was always left to me. So that time I didn't do it....and the relationship died.

So honestly, looking back, I'd have to say that the issues were Always there, and I find that that's true for most divorced couples I know (they overlooked jeolousy, cheating, drinking, or other issues from early on.)

So if you're 3 years in and still very happy....I'd say it's a good sign. Only you know if you're avoiding an issue. But ya know, life isn't perfect. There's always something. And we all just do our best.

I wish you all of the best,
Patti

Thanks for the posts everyone. That truly helped. I am going to just keep on "keeping on" and be as happy as possible and see where life takes us.

I agree with patti22. I have been married 17 years and my AS son is 15. We are married in name only--we act more like room mates than anything else. Why do I stay? Because my son is my priority and needs both parents and stability. There is always one person that gives more than 50% in a relationship and child raising. I had to bear 75% of my son's responsibility dealing with his issues. My husband and I are not enemies or hostile to each other--we are just distant. I give our marriage 5 more years and then I am out. My son will be old enough to understand better....I hope.

First, the disclaimers: 1) I have never been evaluated for ASD, nor has anyone in my family, past or present, (certainly not diagnosed) so what do I know for sure? 2) I believe in the same positions my church has: complete chastity before marriage and complete fidelity afterwards. Marriage is very important.

I suspect that I am an Aspie, that my father was one, his mother, her father and his mother were also. I don't know about my four children. I thought about having them evaluated when they were young, but I was clueless as to how to do that, so it wasn't done. Now they are 24-29 and I don't think they are concerned about it.

My father and mother met at a victory dance at the end of World War II and got married less than a year afterwards. He practically worshiped her and she respected and loved him. They were married 18 years when she died.

I got married at age 33, nearly 34, 30 years ago last May after having dated him for about 6 months. Communication has definitely been an issue in our marriage, but somehow we worked things out. I really wish I could talk more but my quietness and frequent silence is one of the things he likes best about me.

Even beyond our conservative religious beliefs, he is glad for our traditional marriage where he has supported us financially since our first child was born, and I am more traditional because of the era I was brought up in, and because I rejected the notions of "Women's Lib" at the time because they never made sense to me. In any case, I have been happy being a stay-at-home mom. (He is 10 years younger than I am.)

My view of the current situation of high divorce rates is largely that couples do not invest enough in each other. They are less committed because of the sexual revolution and living together without marriage.

That is not to say that marriage would not work for those couples, but they can't expect it to be as easy as falling off a cliff. That is even if they are "NT". I have heard it said that in marriage you should NOT have a 50/50 relationship, but that each should give 100% of what they can. I think it is low expectations and a low willingness to try to make it work that contributes most to problems down the line.

If anything, I would think that an Aspie would tend to stick to the marriage more than a Normal. I think a Normal should focus more on being kind, loving and patient, and let their superior social side be the strength for both of them, and it will likely work out.

Alcohol and/or drug use is another matter.

I was going to say that all four of my children have had social issues. 2 are newly married and 2 are still single. My oldest 3 have bachelor degrees and my youngest has a one-year certification in horticulture. They all have productive jobs.

Married an Aspie 20 years ago. We have had 17 wonderful years together, just not all in a row! He is certainly not the same man I married, and neither am I the same woman he married.

There are challenges to any relationship, and I don't think that being on the spectrum causes a person to change after marriage any more than being NT would. Maturity does that.

Also, bad times don't cause divorce, giving up does that. My DH has qualities that I saw in our friendship that I knew would make him a great husband. We only knew each other for 18 months before we got married, but we started as friends, and then became romantic, so there was no gild on the rose even at the beginning.

Best of luck to you in your relationship!

Been married to my hubbie(recently found out he's on the aspergers scale) for 12 years. If a relationship is going to work you have to grow together regardless of being aspergers or not.