Been through that with my son.

First off, no matter what his issues turn out to be, the best advice I can give you is to LOVE him to pieces at home. Interact with him. Engage him. Teach him that life is fun. Help him learn to be more flexible, but don't take it in big steps. Whatever he's rigid about (and trust me, all kids are rigid about Something), help him be marginally less so, but not in a punative way.

So if he wants his milk in THAT cup, fill it up more or less full, small steps, comfortable steps. If he wants to sit in THAT chair, move the chair a bit from day to day. Help him find his words to ask for what he wants and without wrapping your life around his....give him what he wants. The point being to teach that language helps us get what we want, not just to give in, nor to spoil him.

Find out what he's sensitive to, and tone that down in his life. (With my son it was visual issues, so moving his pin at school wasn't a good idea, and the smily chart was an absolute disaster. The language I used with the school was that it was like shining a spotlight in his eyes and expecting him to see better. When the school insisted on a behavioral contract, I made them write it out in normal sized print, on a standard sheet of paper, and let him sign that.)

What you WANT included in a IEP (my son never got one for Aspergers, but instead got one for gifted), is that the teacher should be required to have at least 10 positive interactions with your child, for every negative one. The teacher should also be required to list the strategies that they use when they see issues coming, not just what they do after something happens. And provide a list of those interventions EVERY time a note is sent home on his behavior. (If you see the same list coming home every time....you'll ALL get an idea of what's NOT working, and hopefully the teacher will stop doing that.)

And breathe, breathe, breathe. Five is young. Lots and lots of kids have issues at that age. My son is 12 now. It took 4 years to get him over his kindergarten year. But he's now one of the most polite, most well behaved kids I know.

Thank you very much for your advice Patti.

I guess I don't know much about asperger's and will have to do more research about it. I am terrified to have him "labeled." I literally just met with his school psychologist a few days ago, which is when she said she wanted to evaluate him for asperger's.

I am trying my best to do my best, but I never know if what I am doing is right. I guess that is parenting though. He seems exactly like his father. His father is against all diagnosis's and all. Sort of think of it as witchcraft if you know what I mean. He seems really quick to fly off the handle.

I will do my best and I appreciate your advice!

Hi Kate!
What a difficult situation. Starting kids off at school is not an easy task for either the child or the parent. There are lots of changes and lots of unknowns. I am a special ed teacher and have had several students with Aspergers...and my boyfriend has it which is why I joined this group.

I understand not wanting to label him, but if you can think of it as more of a collection of symptoms that many others have and that are recognizable, this may help in receiving proper help and guidance. Saying, "Aspergers" is just a shortened way of explaining his symptoms and behavior. The syndrome certainly does not make up who your boy is...he is who he is, but having Aspergers just helps you get the specific advice and information that most closely matches his needs -- which is why you joined the "Asperger Syndrome Support Group."

I think your son's kindergarten teacher needs to initiate a meeting with you instead of just removing him from the classroom. She should let you know specifically what she's observing and what possible solutions there are. The point of school is for him to be there. If she is at a loss, I would bet she has some resources she could consult (special ed teacher, OT, school psychologist, etc).

Why is he being labeled a "bad kid?" If you wouldn't mind sharing, I could give a little more insight with more information. What is he doing that is so "bad?" Usually children with Aspergers seem aloof, uninterested in other kids, in their own "world", fascinated with ordinary objects, etc. The only thing I could think of is that he has sensory issues, or issues in change of routine, and then becomes overloaded and defiant because of those things. If that is the case, there are some basic solutions:

-A schedule of the day posted or written for him (even in picture form) to reduce anxiety and surprises.
-Sensory solutions (occupational therapy materials like therabands, ball chairs, sound blocking headphones, etc).

Maybe you could try discussing some of these things with his teacher? You said you are meeting with his case manager: is that a special ed teacher or social worker? Meeting with his actual teacher may be the most direct way to come up with solutions. I know you are frustrated, but try to focus on helping your boy be the best he can be, and feel as comfortable at school as he can. Remember: PROactive is better than REactive. If you can prevent problems from arising with specific interventions, issues will be much further apart and hopefully much less intense with a real game plan that is written with the IEP Team.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me!

There's good and bad things about getting an official diagnosis. The minus being that in some situations it can label a kid. But a Rose is a Rose whatever it's name.....if you know what I mean. A label won't make him disfunctional, nor make him functional. And services can be fantastic (or non-existant) in different parts of the country.

Early intervention really does help though. If you're not good at evaluating your son, an expert opinion can point out things that you may not have noticed. And that can help target skills that yoiur son can work on.

(For my son, skills included saying things like the phrase "I love you" in different ways so that he'd understand that the meaning of a sentance is more in HOW it's said, than in the words itself.)

At 5, my son had never told a lie. By the time he started, when he was 6, he was really pathetic at it, and it ended up sounding like he was being intentionally defiant, instead of cute like his sister sounded when she was 3 and just started.

I don't know if your school system has a 3 strikes or "pin" system where the kid has to move a marker for each behavvioral infraction. But it bothers me because we no longer put Duences Caps on kids who make mistakes in math or reading.....and behavioral Skills are really just as much learned skills as the more academic ones.

I really can relate to your frustration because I been there with my son ( now 15). During elementary I would get daily calls from the teacher and/or counsellor because of his behavior. I would send him to school in the morning, knowing I would get a call to pick him up in a couple of hours. He is my only child and did not have a lot of experience with parenting. He would have crying fits in class, throw things, try to leave the classroom, not do his work or participate in class. He needed constant supervision. I do understand how the teacher felt because one "off" kid disrupts the whole flow of the classroom. It wasn't fare to the other kids. I was very ignorant and didn't know what an IEP was. I never heard of aspberger's before my son. It sound like you have a lot on your plate but the best way I found to deal with my problem was to face it head on. I started to talk with his teachers and be proactive and get recommendations and suggestions from them. Once I stopped being defensive towards them, I found that they really wanted to help my son. They recommended a local special needs tutor so that he would be more confident learning math skills. I had my son in OT and Speech therapy through a non-profit. He met other kids through this non-profit group that he still relates to today. He has an IEP still and school is not his favorite thing. I know I felt I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown during those times and I felt totally alone and vulnerable. I think the worst part was not that I felt people were judging me that I was a bad parent or not, but that my son was really suffering and that I didn't know what to do about it. You'll get through it to and will help some other parent going through the same experience. I think you need support as much as your son does. Prayer helps a lot too!