I think that most CSs do not give us an option. They leave for OP or refuse transparency, etc. If your H is doing what YOU need, that's enough. Unfortunately I do think that the majority fall in this category...

you are right, I'm not being totally objective

you are right, I'm not being totally objective

you are right, I'm not being totally objective

The posts and advice definitedly go in waves. A week ago everything was about reconciliation.

Most people don't give "run!" advice unless the posters situation warrants it.

It would probably be good though to stick to sub-groups for a few days.

The board does go in strange cycles. When I first came to DS it was pro-divorce. So I joined the rebuilding group, the breakups and divorce board and the infidelity board. I was a member of all three from July-Sept 2010 when I finally decided to actually work at reconciliation. Then I retreated to the rebuilding board for a while and gradually went back to the infidelity board to see if others needed help I might be able to provide. By that time it had swung dramatically to being all about rebuilding.

Most people advise from their own experience and then those who have been there a long time advise from the "data" they have collected by having seen so many people go through this and all the forms it takes.

I'm rebuilding but I have no problem telling people to run for the hills especially if: they are young and not married to the cheater, there is already a history of abuse, this is infraction number anything larger than one or there is something weird overall about the situation I just pick up on.

When I joined in September and posted about my situation nobody told me about some monumentally important things like the fog or the 180 or the healing library at survivinginfidelity.com. Everybody seemed to say that my situation appeared hopeless and it was best to cut my losses and make a clean break of it. I avoided the infidelity board for a while after that and stuck to the rebuilding board, where I actually did learn about all that helpful info and got a lot of encouragement. There's definitely an ebb and flow to the boards, sometimes it's because of who finds their way to the boards and their circumstances, and sometimes it's because of who is responding to the posts. I am happy nowadays to drift around between boards because i am more comfortable with my knowledge and personal experience and know not to let my life hang on the words of someone from an internet message board that I have no connection with.

P.S. Ya'll don't count on that last point. ;) I think those of us here are on the same wavelength despite our different circumstances and can feel comfortable giving honest opinions whatever direction they come from.

We I joined, I felt a little bad because everyone was rebuilding and trying to reconcile, or at least that is what it felt like, and I was at a point where there was really no hope left. I was discouraged because I wanted to be one of those couples that could rebuild, but we can't. Everyone gave me great advice or just listened or offered their personal experiences and the whole process made me stronger and feel better. So I think it ebbs and flows.

Hi Kansas...I just read your last three journal posts and I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it. I do agree that the infidelity board can be somewhat triggery at times, regardless what part of the wave it seems to be riding.

I tend to stay more in this neck of the woods these days but every now and then I try to over to that board and see if there is anyone new, if for no other reason that I hate to have them get advice from only one side or reid/cigarrman! LOL! Maybe try to hang more on the rebuilding board until you feel a bit better?

I think its what everyone else said though that there is an ebb and flow. It probably changes as much as our emotions change.

Hang in there kiddo!

Thanks guys :) really:)

When I first got here I got support only. I recall very few ppl saying to "leave his ass" . I guess I got here at a good time. I don't remember what I posted back then, was just a mess. I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone but I had all these thoughts that were driving me crazy. I had to get it out. What better place than here to talk w/out having to speak.
Kansas, I am on a downhill ride right now. Feeling great. I am learning how to let go of the past, live in the present and look to the future. Anytime you need encouragement, I'm here. I know that hopeless feeling....but your H is all in from what you are saying. That's what it takes to rebuild. You'll make it. Give yourself time. This is a gaping wound and will not heal any faster than it will.

I've told people both. I know I told Laststraw to run fast and far. It just depends on the situation.

I recall telling people that divorce isn't as impossible as a lot of people think it is...I feel like so many people feel hopeless and trapped. I think sometimes they need to hear that it can be done, and in some cases (MINE), they will be better off.

Sometimes I do have to hold back though, when I hear stories about repeated infidelity or trust being continually broken, I want to say leave, but not everyone's line in the sand is where mine is.

The infidelity board still triggers me so I don't go there much at all anymore. I like it here much better:)

I only wish somebody had pointed me at the "180" in the early stages of my dramas. Like Mim, I have since divorced and am now WAAAAAAY better off that I was when I was married to my cheater.

Yeah, I go both ways too on staying or getting out too. If no kids involved... get the hell out..... in most cases. Usually someone new just needs to vent and not really be "told" what to do. I usually recommend eat, and take vitamins......... good grief I feel like I have been here forever.... only a few months.....lol