Spent 10 hours in the emergency room yesterday. After six years without a panic attack, ive spent the last three days w a series of anxiety attacks so bad i really, truly thought i was dying. Walking into the hospital my heart rate was over 155. EEG,EKG, chest xrays, more bloodwork than i thought you could do without draining a person dry. Ten hours of watching the panic attacks on a monitor: 117/78 through 156/98. No stimuli. No trigger. Six full years without one. They found super high white blood cells, but no infection to speak of. No cancer. No clotting. I am so appreciative that even though i came in stating they were panic attacks that i could not control, they made sure nothing more serious was going on.appreciative, but ultimately broken by it. My body is healthy. I just forgot how helpless this makes me feel. Im a smart, strong woman. Im in control of my life. Apparently, not my mind who seems to have a death grip on my body.

I am sitting here, the morning after, with a bottle of atavan in hand absolutely terrified it will start again any second. Will the pills work? Will this end today? Will i survive another day of my heart racing, of feeling it pounding through every inch of my body and that my chest just might cramp so hard it will just stop completely?

Im tired. No, exhausted. Im terrified. I just want to feel like a human being again.