I can relate to a few of those things. I'm also in IT, I manage a particular app with very high visibility enterprise-wide, and it is incredibly stressful at times.

I can relate to the jealousy and fear as well. When I was younger, I was constantly jealous of any male friends that whoever I was dating might have had. Sometimes I was jealous of the female friends, too. Messed up a lot of relationships that way, trying to control and micro-manage someone else. Some therapy uncovered that it was nothing more than a fear of loss. Went through a lot of death as a child, lost very close family members (father, beloved aunts and uncles, grandparents) over a short period of time and so I clung too tightly to those I cared about the most. It got so bad at one point, I got upset if my male friends went off and did stuff without me.

I don't remember what specifically turned it around for me. I think I just got dumped enough times to realize there was something not right. Took a lot of work, but eventually I was able to let go and just trust them. And man, it took a huge load off. I mean, night and day difference. I had less stress, because I wasn't worried about what they were doing five minutes after we got off the phone.

Not sure what causes this for you, but it's possible to get it under control. It can be tough when you feel like you're going alone, so this is a great place to find some encouragement. Hang in there. Give the meds a chance to work - alcohol will just complicate things further. And most of all, if you like to try and stay in control, then start with trying to control your reactions to things. Nothing in the world will change other people. If we try to change someone, we'll lose them. People are who they are. And life happens - can't control any of it. All we really have control over, and the thing I try to focus on the most, is controlling how I react to those things. It's hard for an anxious mind to find some peace and try to think rationally and patiently. But that's the first, best thing we really do have control over.

I'm not where I want to be with it, but I'm further along than I was last year at this time. Hang in there! You can do it.

Thanks truly, and I know that some has to do with an abandonment complex, I was let do anything and everything growing up, parents divorced when I was 3, and lot my mom and dad and both in law parents moms within 6 months and dads within 6 months of each other, you are completely correct, I know it destroys relationships to be jealous and always wondering, and we are people, I have had a bad time just realizing the male and female differences, I have never fit in with male clicks, and fit in more with females but never was like a ladies guy, only like a wingman or something, I have always hated males, because of how they demean and treat females, and at times I have done the same thing.

I have really been defining the human experience, and I don't like all I uncover, I do agree totally that it is a huge weight lifted to just let go and not stress over if she is doing this or that, hell if she has a comment on a pic calling her hot or beautiful on FB from males I don't know I about freak, I am not proud of this feeling, and I know it kills relationships, and god knows if I had a switch I would flip it to give me some peace.


I know that alcohol makes my meds less effective, and her and I do drink, is almost like all the things I want to lash out are always on the tip of my tongue, and when they make it out, arguing and all that ensues ends in me apologizing, I want peace in my mind, I have gotten more of it, and it has made me hungry for more still.

I need control of my thoughts and emotions, and I know she isn't doing anything, I am paranoid as I am the one that has done things uncouth, I am open and honest about it and not proud of it, I just need a mind break sometime or feel it will destroy me.

I think it's very likely that you will find some great support & friendships here. I know I've made some great friends over the years here!! I wish you the best of luck & just know you are not alone. And you got to start somewhere. So the fact that you are here, reaching out for support, is great! Keep up the good work!!!

Thanks very much to you both, I feel if I can get many of the mind melts I experience at a million times an hour out, I will be much better and able to heal as the plan, I am a needy person I know this and seem to be more needy lately which causes yet more anxiety and fear, I hope to learn to control my mind without it tormenting me so.

Oh, I've been there. I'm not proud, but I did cheat in college. Really messed things up. And I was always the nice guy, forever in the friend zone, the guy who listened and would never cheat and behave like everyone else. Totally understand that.

The way I see it, other guys commenting on your girl being attractive is not necessarily a bad thing. Fact is, they should be respectful if they know she's taken. Facebook and the web in general give people a nice, safe, anonymous shield to hide behind, and many aren't mature enough to control their more childish impulses, so you get creepy guys making disgusting comments.

I'm actually the same way, I've always felt more comfortable around women. Most of my guy friends are like me, very intellectual and creative minded. I like the emotional complexity of the female mind, I think, more than the relatively simplistic male mind. That's not meant to be a blanket statement, there are plenty of girls who are brainless and vapid and plenty of guys who are way smarter and more complicated than I am. It's just a referendum on my personal experience.

I completely get that, I have the same mind, I am completely the geeky technical guy who doesn't walk around passing gas and think it's funny or a male thing, watch no sports, like a good marvel movie or even some of the things that my oldest and wife like to watch like the originals or even coven, I don't fit in male clicks at all, and honestly, the whole thing is, I have always hated males as how they treat and think of women as just a piece of meat and to use them for sex, and yet feel I am portrayed as this now, I am not that, I wanted to feel wanted which I haven't in years and just went an easy route version working on our relationship thus making it worse, we are in therapy, and honestly, as long as I don't lash out, things go good for me.

Here is the root of my childlike behavior, I am ready to be slammed, and that is fine, you see I can't get rid of it in my head, the FB thing, the friends she has that would call her hot months ago, or beautiful, as she put that type attention seeking pic up, they aren't a threat, in fact, I do think well enough of myself most times to feel like, if she wants that, or another, go for it and who can stop it anyway? I want all this child things in me to stop, to know I have her, to know she loves me, she does, and to know that I am working on this and won't "reset" our relationship so to speak by confronting her with people half way around the world, people she grew up with, or even an ex high school bf that never says anything lued, I start to hate these people, and want this jealous control thing to leave me, I would be so much happier, I could find relief, and it isn't the guys choice, like she would just want them all or anyone, it would be hers and her being a person which I have never really let her be, that make sense?

I can't take much more of the damaging thoughts that are destroying my marriage, call it insecurity, low self esteem, whatever, I have to get it away, I do like what you said as that not being a bad thing, message me and add me on FB please, you have a mind like I need to hear from, I need a voice of reason to not only tell me that things are ok, but to talk me off the ledge that I create so damn often that doesn't really exist.

They should be respectful, honestly comments are never bad, the whole how females get so many males attention bugs me, but is human nature for the guys to come looking, I have had a hard time not believing in the picture I have painted in life being real versus reality, the picture I paint is she would want me and me her forever, I love her, always have, and hurt her badly feeling she didn't want me honestly, but, those things are healing, just my thoughts and things I bring up that are controlling is continuing to damage things, I am on a good run not doing this now, and at times all I can do not drilling what she is doing or who talking to, when I know she isn't like that, it was me that was like that.

Pitiful state, and really any reading can slam me, I am desperate to control my mind, I know these things are childish and immature, I just haven't got control of them yet, you can tell anyone just don't think about this or that, but really, until you have there mind, it is hard to see the complexity of being controlled in your head to think a certain way.

Thanks truly Grim

Also hope my thoughts benefit you in some way, hate to just sound needy, but your comments are helping me.