It's been almost seven years since I've been off of medication for this long and it feels so strange. I weaned off of effexor at the end of August/early September and I'm not used to the way I feel without medication - It makes me anxious and feels strnage sometime. it's been really hard to get used to.

I've dealt with a lot the past few months and I know that's part of the reason why I'm so anxious but I feel like I really need to go back on medication, mayber paxil or celexa - something lighter than effexor without any withrdrawls when I stop. I originally started taking it because I had a lot of intrusive thoughts that I knew were ridiculous and that I would obsess over and it really helped. 

Well this time I had a sudden intrusive thought about hurting my boyfriend, which I know is ridiculous and I would never do, but I get these horrible thoughts not just about him but about the people I care about all the time. They just pop in and make my anxiety go through the roof. I hate it more than anything in my entire life, and I can't help but obsess over the thoughts and I have no control over how often I think about it. Intrusive thoughts are so horrible because they make you question whether or not I would do these horrible things. Like, "but what if? why am I having these thoughts if I didn't want to?" Things like that - I'm just so tired and upset and anxious and I just want to be okay and happy.

I haven't been genuinely happy or felt not anxious in so long and I've been seeing my school counselor but I've been having issues with my old roommate who had a sociopathic personality and who was manipulating myself and my other roommates so a lot of our sessions have been focused on her. It's only been recently that we've started talking about me and how I'm feeling and I just feel stressed out a lot of the time. I guess this is more of a vent post than anything but I want to know if anyone has any advice for me or if anyone else has felt the same way. 

I want to be healthy and I know I can and I'm working towards that but it's hard, I feel kind of flat and consumed by anxiety a lot of the time, or like I just want to cry. I want to have fun and feel normal with my friends and my boyfriend and my family but sometimes I feel like the outsider because of this and ugh I don't know I wish I could just take my anxiety all away and be a normal person without having to worry all the fucking time about nothing.