The unknown is almost unbearable, mainly how unpredictable my emotions/mood are. For the most part of the past two days I've had constant anxiety, no apparent cause just from the moment I wake up until (and if) I'm able to go to sleep. I catch myself grinding my teeth and so much tension in all my muscles. My body aches most of the time and no matter my exhaustion I feel myself wanting to avoid sleep at all costs no matter how much I need it. I've resorted to smoking again and having one (most of the time more like 3-4) drinks a day just to keep myself calm.

Trying my best to keep myself occupid enough to hopefully not notice the anxiety by cleaning, working out in the yard, going for walks, reading other's experiences to try and make myself feel less alone which does very little if any good. I know in reality I'm not alone but the fact I have nobody in person to vent or even talk to, I'm constantly brushed off with (oh not this again) like I'm just a burden so I keep everything to myself, doing what I can to keep myself from flying off the cliff of insanity.

I don't see my counselor again until July 27th because she is very over booked and then I'll be in more frequently, weekly to be specific. I feel so lost, alot of times not even being able to focus enough to read more than a sentence or two, my constant racing mind makes what I just read fly right out the window. I feel like the weakest thing on the planet, like a feather could crush me to dust.