Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
Hi this might sound silly but I feel really anxious and I just need a unbiased opinion on something... my mums washing machine has broken and long story short it will be a few weeks/months before we can get her a new one. I feel very anxious and guilty right now because she came over to use mine today, which was ok.
But she mentioned coming over every Saturday to wash and I said as nicely as I could that since she is at my sisters house several times a week (to see my nephew/her grandson) couldn't she put a load on once/twice a week there (one load a week covers her washing easy) and my sister doesn't mind (I ended up asking my sister because my mum seems to be under the impression that she wouldn't be ok with that, because she has to wash the babies things etc). But she doesn't mind.
And I also said it will save her driving back and forth here every week. She is on limited income and she'd just be wasting petrol coming here when she already goes to my sisters. My mum got upset at this. If I was her only option I would have let her use mine even though I struggle greatly with anxiety (GAD and SA) and depression and really need time at home where I can just be by myself and try to get some things done. I feel bad because I think she took it as I don't want you here and it's not what I meant. She has bipolar and is not easy to be around at all but it isn't what I meant.
If her only option was to come here I would have just agreed, but going to my sisters makes more sense then coming here.
I feel guilty because even though I would have let her come here, I am really glad I'm not the only option; because with my anxiety disorders I need time to myself, she stresses me out a lot, she doesn't respect my needs etc. I feel like I can't function now after she was here due to what happened. I can't have her here every week when it's not a necessity. I'll never get a thing done. I'm already so stressed all the time. But I feel like I'm being selfish. But then I'm like but it makes more sense for her to do it at my sisters.
thoughts?
Did you explain to her that you are trying to save her money? Since she is already going to your sister's house once or twice a week, it would definitely make sense for her to do some of her laundry while she is there instead of spending more money going out to your place, especially if she is on a limited budget.
I don't personally know your mother or anything, but maybe just explain to her that you love her and enjoy having her around, but you also need time alone? You mentioned that your mother is bipolar, so I'm sure she understands that sometimes you need to be left alone to your devices (my father is bipolar as well, so I have a little bit of experience in that area). She might understand. If she doesn't, remember that she is free to think whatever she wants, but if having her around every week is going to cause you more anxiety chances are it's going to cause problems with your relationship.
Maybe this was also a way for her to make an excuse to spend more time with you? How much time do you usually spend with her? If this is one of the reasons, maybe offer to spend some time with her elsewhere for a couple of hours once a week or every other week or something like that. Personally, I would prefer to go to my dad's house than him come to mine. For me, I am comfortable in my own home and I get anxious when other people come over (is my house a mess? does it smell? can he tell that I haven't dusted the fan in a while? what if this or that isn't up to his standards? etc.) so I completely understand where you are coming from.
I hope that this helped!
-Mel
Unfortunately I can't explain anything to her. In the past I have tried to talk about my own mental illness' but she just throws things back in my face and twists things around. You'd think since she struggles with a mental illness that she'd be more understanding but she's the least understanding in my family. It's easier not to bring it up.
Having her here every week would definitely cause me more anxiety. And I am like you in the sense that I don't like to have people here I'd rather go to their house.
As for spending time with her I do go over to her house once a week and ring her on the phone every single day.
She's the type of person who takes everything personally. And if I don't do what she wants she either verbally becomes very horrible or gets all sad and very 'poor me'. She won't understand I need space because she doesn't really understand who I am and how bad a really suffer with anxiety and depression. And that's because I've given up trying to explain it to her. But honestly I don't function well at all. My husband has to look after me a lot. It's so hard to pretend I'm ok around her but it's better then the alternative.
Any way thanks heaps for replying. It did help :)
But you have to shift the dynamic because you can't survive in the one that's there. So you pay the price in anxiety.
It's a solid move. Let mum stew in her own juices. High time life forced her to grow a bit, don't you think? Instead of everyone running around, accommodating her. She's a big girl. She'll survive.
So you need to stop being naive about her. She is using techniques to get what she wants. I would imagine she wants to visit you weekly to keep you under her thumb. And I imagine you don't want her visiting weekly because you are slowly discovering yourself, out from under her thumb.
I could be projecting of course: but it's worth a thought. She wants something from you every saturday, and it's not the washing machine.
I personally would stand my ground and would not allow her to come every Saturday.
Is your sister understanding? Maybe you could talk to her about it. She might be able to convince your mother otherwise.
As far as the 'poor me' attitude and the downright nastiness, I would ignore it. Let her be miserable by herself. Guilt tripping is the worst ever and I'm sure if it was a course my own mother would have aced it. A goal that I try to achieve when it comes to guilt tripping is "in one ear, out the other." You need to do what is best for yourself and you will feel better in the long run when you set boundaries.