Hi everyone. I've been considering reaching out to talk to everyone on here for awhile now and I might as well do it now. Bear with me, this may be a long post. I have been suffering from anxiety for as long as I can remember, I believe it was caused by being a foster kid and never really knowing when the social workers would come take me from my moms house and trade me around from home to home. I haven't been to therapy since 2011 because just about the time it started to help I hit a rough patch and gave up, this was a few months after losing my baby to a cord accident just before my due date so I was in a bad place. As for medication I am on Prozac but I stopped taking it a month ago because I might be pregnant.

For the last year I have been having reproductive issues, I found out I have adenomyosis and that my hormones are very imbalanced. About the time I got sick is when my anxiety and depression flew into overdrive. I have always had panic attacks, but it usually had to do with social activities when I had to meet new people, but after I got sick suddenly I became terrified of everything from checking my mail box to my bank balance or even answering my dad's phone calls. It's completely irrational and it has essentially destroyed my life for the last year. I have lost all of my savings because while I was too terrified to check my bank account balance someone stole my info and ran off with about $8,000.

My financial aid for school is blocked because I was too scared to open my mail and did not realize that a previous school bill I thought was paid was actually over due, so I am currently 5 days from the end of the term with no way to pay, which leaves me $7,747 in debt before I can even enroll again. Because of a misunderstanding with a teacher as well as my panic about attending class I flunked a psychology class and have now lost a $3,000 scholarship that I depend on for school.

The only thing that has kept me going the last few years after losing my baby has been school, it means the world to me and now I may lose it because of some paperwork my advisor did not send in. I have found it next to impossible to get out of bed or even get dressed for the last 2 weeks and I am feeling very hopeless. The only medication that helps is Ativan but my new doctor refuses to prescribe it and the only mental health care available to me is located on the other side of the city where I cannot afford to drive to multiple times a week because of the aforementioned mountain of debt I am under. I can't afford a new doctor because the one I go to is the only free clinic I have access to but unfortunately because mainly poor people go there they will not prescribe benzo's or anti anxiety medication because they think we're all drug dealers.

The only way out I see is taking out a loan for $3,000 from a bank to pay my tuition and go back to trying to get the other bills forgiven so that I may get financial aid back next term, but once again I am terrified of digging another financial hole. I am sick to my stomach all day every day and having panic attacks and nightmares, I think I can fix all of my issues if I could just get the medication I need to control these irrational panic attacks, but I don't see that happening. Does anyone have any advice on controlling these attacks/irrational thoughts or resources I could look into for medication, (I live in the Portland Oregon metro area USA)? At this point anything will help because I cannot go on like this, I am really on the border of losing everything because of this stupid illness and I refuse to let it destroy my life, (anymore). Even if you just tell me you have been through this too it will really help.

Thanks for sticking it out through this rambling post, and thanks in advance for your help.

Thanks for