Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
I'm new to this website. I'm sure many of you won't take the time to read my entire life story, but it's quite interesting and I'm on here because, like you, I need support. I need answers, or maybe suggestions...something to help me live a closer to normal life.
I'm 21. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. My family is pretty awesome. My parents are divorced. My Dad is remarried, and my step siblings are grown. My age. And my mother has been with her partner for 13 years. I'm an only child. I learned to grow up faster because my mother and her partner are both alcoholics. My mother is an abusive alcoholic. She can be both mentally and physically abusive. Growing up in that type of enviorment effected my youth tremendously. My grades were horrible, I never got any sleep because they would be fighting. I often had to fight my own mother...who wants to do that? There's a lot of things I resent my mother for, but she brought me here. She gave me life. And the 5-8 hours she was sober throughout the day, we were best of friends. Because I don't live with her anymore, she and I have a great relationship. We are closer.
I am a lesbian. My first girlfriend was Jacqueline. She was from Virginia and I'm from Texas. How we met was through the internet. I was 16, she was 18. I was only a Junior in High School and she had just graduated. We met in July of 2008. I would always read her, read about her, and never did I ever imagine that she was going to be a huge, HUGE part of my life. We became a long distance couple September 8th, 2008. We dated long distance, seeing eachother every couple of months. Then, she moved to Texas. We both got great jobs. I then moved back to Virginia with her, and we both weren't happy, so we moved back to Texas again and established for the time being. We both worked with individuals with special needs. We had our own apartment. Londen, the german shepherd, was actually her dog. We had two cats. Our home was so happy. We fought, yes. But we got through everything. She was one of my best friends. On September 6th, 2012, 2 days before our 4 year anniversary, she lost her life. She didn't lose her life to a terminal illness. She lost her life to something that could have been found and prevented.
I was extremely protective of Jacqueline. She was like my prized possession. I looked up to her. She was my world. My rock. My support system...everything. We were going to get engaged, and get married. If she was still here today....I would be married to her. I found my soulmate so early, and I was grateful for that.
I didn't like for Jacqueline to go outside at night. I didn't like her to drive by herself. I didn't like if she didn't text me back on time, or if she didn't call me on time. I always thought something bad was going to happen to her. I saw it. Sometimes I would have dreams, and I would wake up crying. She would hold me, and giggle because she thought she was invinsible. I felt as though I should be her protector. I should be the one that goes out at night just incase. What if a shooter came into our apartment complex? I would want to be the one he shot. Not her.
August 18th, 2012, Jacqueline was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS is polycystic ovary syndrome. Something that was a terminal illness. Infact, there aren't many cases where people have died from it. The doctor perscribed her birth control and she began taking it that day.
September 2nd, her and I went to my mothers to eat. She began to not feel well so we went home. She became moody and locked herself in the bathroom. I heard pill bottles hit the floor, and I figured she was trying to overdose. I fell to my knees begging her to open the door, and she did. She looked at me and began crying. She started to hyperventilate as if she couldn't breathe. She started to vomit and prompted me to call her Grandmother, "Ma". So, I did. Ma couldn't control her. Finally, she calmed down. I gave her a bath, and then took time for myself. I cried. I felt to helpless. She shouldn't of had to go through that, I should have been going through that.
The next day we were both off work and she wanted to go see a movie. I took her. I don't recall what movie it was. After the movie, I went to Walgreens to get her some more pepto bismol. We figured she had a stomach virus. On our way home, she began crying and hyperventilating again. Jacqueline never wanted me to know when soemthing was wrong because she knew I would get scared and nervous. But, this was the second day in a row, and I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped the car on the side of the road and called 911. She begged me not to, she hated hospitals. She hated hospitals because she said people died in them.
They rushed her to the hospital and I followed behind. She would not calm down, and kept calling for me, so the nurse came and got me. I walked in there and there my beautiful baby was. She was breathing so hard...but I began talking about Londen, her german shepherd. How she loved that dog so much. She eventually calmed down. The doctor ran tests, did IV's, and the outcome was panic attacks. He wanted to do a cat scan for a possible blood clot in her lungs, but never did. Instead, he released her. You would think for him to even want to do a cat scan, there might be something far more serious going on??
We went home. Wednesday, I took her to the female doctor we had. She recommended a GI doctor for stomach and acid reflux issues. We went home. Jacqueline was in the best mood she had been in, in a long time.
Thursday, September 6th, 2012.
I woke her up. She took a shower. We were going to work that morning.
She looked at me as she walked down the steps and she told me to call 911. My heart fell. She never told me to do that. She knew. The last words she said to me were, "I'm thirsty." I followed the ambulance to the hospital. As soon as I walked in, they called a code blue, which means cardiac arrest. I knew it was her. The doctors came and got me, told me they did all they could. I was alone. Her family in Virginia. I was the one who had to make the phone call to her family. I walked in to where she was laying. She was beautiful. But, she wasn't there. I held her until she became cold. That day, I lost my life. My life will never be the same. I regret it not being me, and it being her. Why couldn't God just take me?
So now I live in fear. I have a new woman in my life who is helped me through everything. When she travels, I'm terrified. I'm terrified God will take her too. Maybe I didn't cherish Jacqueline enough? So he took her from me. I spend every waking moment cherishing her. I can't stop myself from getting irritated, or mad, or sad....but I can prevent saying things I don't mean. Tomorrow isn't promised, but I cannot live with the anxiety anymore. I feel as though I need to be dead. The pain would subside if I was dead. Or if I didn't feel it. Or if I didn't have anxiety. I am terrified everyday of my life to a point that I think about killing myself. It's so selfish.
I was such a happy girl. A happy kid. I had everything I ever wanted, needed....I never imagined life being like this. I never imagined struggling the way I do. And I'm sure you didn't either.
I am just asking for someone to please help me. To please guide me from the anxiety I feel everyday. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for reading.
Shel.
I'm 21. I don't drink, and I don't do drugs. My family is pretty awesome. My parents are divorced. My Dad is remarried, and my step siblings are grown. My age. And my mother has been with her partner for 13 years. I'm an only child. I learned to grow up faster because my mother and her partner are both alcoholics. My mother is an abusive alcoholic. She can be both mentally and physically abusive. Growing up in that type of enviorment effected my youth tremendously. My grades were horrible, I never got any sleep because they would be fighting. I often had to fight my own mother...who wants to do that? There's a lot of things I resent my mother for, but she brought me here. She gave me life. And the 5-8 hours she was sober throughout the day, we were best of friends. Because I don't live with her anymore, she and I have a great relationship. We are closer.
I am a lesbian. My first girlfriend was Jacqueline. She was from Virginia and I'm from Texas. How we met was through the internet. I was 16, she was 18. I was only a Junior in High School and she had just graduated. We met in July of 2008. I would always read her, read about her, and never did I ever imagine that she was going to be a huge, HUGE part of my life. We became a long distance couple September 8th, 2008. We dated long distance, seeing eachother every couple of months. Then, she moved to Texas. We both got great jobs. I then moved back to Virginia with her, and we both weren't happy, so we moved back to Texas again and established for the time being. We both worked with individuals with special needs. We had our own apartment. Londen, the german shepherd, was actually her dog. We had two cats. Our home was so happy. We fought, yes. But we got through everything. She was one of my best friends. On September 6th, 2012, 2 days before our 4 year anniversary, she lost her life. She didn't lose her life to a terminal illness. She lost her life to something that could have been found and prevented.
I was extremely protective of Jacqueline. She was like my prized possession. I looked up to her. She was my world. My rock. My support system...everything. We were going to get engaged, and get married. If she was still here today....I would be married to her. I found my soulmate so early, and I was grateful for that.
I didn't like for Jacqueline to go outside at night. I didn't like her to drive by herself. I didn't like if she didn't text me back on time, or if she didn't call me on time. I always thought something bad was going to happen to her. I saw it. Sometimes I would have dreams, and I would wake up crying. She would hold me, and giggle because she thought she was invinsible. I felt as though I should be her protector. I should be the one that goes out at night just incase. What if a shooter came into our apartment complex? I would want to be the one he shot. Not her.
August 18th, 2012, Jacqueline was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS is polycystic ovary syndrome. Something that was a terminal illness. Infact, there aren't many cases where people have died from it. The doctor perscribed her birth control and she began taking it that day.
September 2nd, her and I went to my mothers to eat. She began to not feel well so we went home. She became moody and locked herself in the bathroom. I heard pill bottles hit the floor, and I figured she was trying to overdose. I fell to my knees begging her to open the door, and she did. She looked at me and began crying. She started to hyperventilate as if she couldn't breathe. She started to vomit and prompted me to call her Grandmother, "Ma". So, I did. Ma couldn't control her. Finally, she calmed down. I gave her a bath, and then took time for myself. I cried. I felt to helpless. She shouldn't of had to go through that, I should have been going through that.
The next day we were both off work and she wanted to go see a movie. I took her. I don't recall what movie it was. After the movie, I went to Walgreens to get her some more pepto bismol. We figured she had a stomach virus. On our way home, she began crying and hyperventilating again. Jacqueline never wanted me to know when soemthing was wrong because she knew I would get scared and nervous. But, this was the second day in a row, and I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped the car on the side of the road and called 911. She begged me not to, she hated hospitals. She hated hospitals because she said people died in them.
They rushed her to the hospital and I followed behind. She would not calm down, and kept calling for me, so the nurse came and got me. I walked in there and there my beautiful baby was. She was breathing so hard...but I began talking about Londen, her german shepherd. How she loved that dog so much. She eventually calmed down. The doctor ran tests, did IV's, and the outcome was panic attacks. He wanted to do a cat scan for a possible blood clot in her lungs, but never did. Instead, he released her. You would think for him to even want to do a cat scan, there might be something far more serious going on??
We went home. Wednesday, I took her to the female doctor we had. She recommended a GI doctor for stomach and acid reflux issues. We went home. Jacqueline was in the best mood she had been in, in a long time.
Thursday, September 6th, 2012.
I woke her up. She took a shower. We were going to work that morning.
She looked at me as she walked down the steps and she told me to call 911. My heart fell. She never told me to do that. She knew. The last words she said to me were, "I'm thirsty." I followed the ambulance to the hospital. As soon as I walked in, they called a code blue, which means cardiac arrest. I knew it was her. The doctors came and got me, told me they did all they could. I was alone. Her family in Virginia. I was the one who had to make the phone call to her family. I walked in to where she was laying. She was beautiful. But, she wasn't there. I held her until she became cold. That day, I lost my life. My life will never be the same. I regret it not being me, and it being her. Why couldn't God just take me?
So now I live in fear. I have a new woman in my life who is helped me through everything. When she travels, I'm terrified. I'm terrified God will take her too. Maybe I didn't cherish Jacqueline enough? So he took her from me. I spend every waking moment cherishing her. I can't stop myself from getting irritated, or mad, or sad....but I can prevent saying things I don't mean. Tomorrow isn't promised, but I cannot live with the anxiety anymore. I feel as though I need to be dead. The pain would subside if I was dead. Or if I didn't feel it. Or if I didn't have anxiety. I am terrified everyday of my life to a point that I think about killing myself. It's so selfish.
I was such a happy girl. A happy kid. I had everything I ever wanted, needed....I never imagined life being like this. I never imagined struggling the way I do. And I'm sure you didn't either.
I am just asking for someone to please help me. To please guide me from the anxiety I feel everyday. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for reading.
Shel.
I saw that you sent me a friend request, so I visited your profile and saw this thread you made. When I saw the words suicide, I had to read the whole thing. Your story brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss, and for your pain. I could never make it through something like that. You are a strong girl, never forget that. Never consider suicide. The pain you felt when you lost Jaqueline, you would now pass on to your loved ones. No one should ever feel the pain of losing someone too soon. If she isn't already, suggest that your girlfriend go to the ob-gyn once a year. I know this is only ONE aspect of life, but problems down there is often something that goes so unnoticed. And as lesbians, the need for birthcontrol is next to none (other than for medical purposes), and who wants to get a pap-smear once a year for no reason! But you need to! It is so important! Does your new girlfriend know that you're so afraid? Maybe ask her to constant keep you up to date on how she is. Like if she is driving, have her text you when she reaches her destination. Don't hate the turmoils of your life, use them as a reason to make EVERYDAY as happy as possible! You deserve to be happy, and you can be happy. Never forget Jaqueline and grow from your experience with her. Make a pledge to her to be healthy and happy. She would want that for you!!!
-BBX
You can still get back to "happy". Start by realizing that healing and grieving have no single prescription nor timetable that fits everyone.
Most of your feelings are acceptable and expected and others are understandable but not healthy. For those, you want to get professional guidance.
Don't neglect that you have a good and satisfying life with your new friend; it sounds as if she has earned the right to expect to be with the "happy" you. Happy for real. Happy because you had such a great love in your life--(That's gratitude)..Happy because you have another opportunity to experience great love (that's grace). Happy because you can share your pain among people who care and thus, lighten your load (that's friendship). Happy because you have been gifted with a talent to reach out to others and help them heal with your combination of descriptive and heartfelt words to tell a story.
I'm sure you can write poems as well. Do it. You can be happy that you were chosen for this wonderful gift; and as strange as the world is, some times we grow through our most difficult experiences. Let that be you. It's not easy, but , hey-it can be done--we're all here. It does not rain in our hearts continuously and forever..The sun comes out. Eventually. For a long time. Even at night.. and if we let it shine...we know that it shines through the stars. Don't turn out the starlights in your life. Let them shine. Create your world of happiness.
I appreciate you. I read your post and I feel the same thing you feel everyday. I was so suprised because I thought I was the only person who felt this way or had this type of fear. And it's possibly the worst anxiety ever. People have anxiety over tests, or maybe walking into a store. But jeez, who wants to have anxiety everyday about losing their loved one? I had it everyday before I lost Jacqueline. I remember when my friend lost her boyfriend and I talked to Jacqueline about it and was so grateful it wasn't her. I never imagined I would ever walk a day in my friends' shoes but I did. And it was the worst heart break I could ever feel. And feeling so helpess after I did my best to keep her safe every day was the most crucial part of it all. And yes you're right about the feminine problems. Jacqueline's autopsy was actually a blood clot in her lungs. Which could have been prevented if the doctor did the cat scan, however he chose not to. And maybe there was a reason....
My new girlfriend does know I'm afraid, yes. But she doesn't like for me to talk about death or dying, and she doesn't want me to speak things into existence. So, I'm doing my best. She's leaving Monday the 19th for a softball tourney in Portland, Orgeon and it's going to be stressful on me. I am doing my best to grow and to live life happily because it's what Jacqueline would want. And I want you to also know that I feel everything you feel. And I am always here to talk to you. I wouldn't wish the pain of this type of anxiety on anyone. Thank you so much.
Anxfor15, Thank you for your kind, comforting words. You're right. I cannot live in fear, I have to face my fears. I believe God is testing me. I am learning to cope the best I can. It's not so much that I am hurting over Jacqueline anymore because after registering into emergency medicine at TVCC, I realized she could not be saved. And if she was saved, she would be on life support. I would never want her to live her life like that. I'm sorry that you suffer from anxiety as well, and I hope that you can find the strength to cope as well.
release2find,
Thank you very much. I do write poems, infact, I have written a poem about the tragic day and would love to express that for you guys. Thank you so much for your comforting words as well and taking the time out to reply. Your response brought tears to my eyes. It gave me a tad bit more courage than I had before to get through this. God has a plan for me. It took me awhile to grasp that concept, but it's true. I might not find out tomorrow, or 10 years from now. But before my life is over, I know that reason will come to light.
rskb3, I have grieved in my own way. There are days that I still cry. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of her or see the horrible flash backs of her looking at me the way she did as she was dying and I didn't know, but she knew. I went to the same female doctor that saw her 2 days after Jacqueline saw her and she was so shocked that she was dead. And she perscribed me lexapro but that made me sick, as well as ambien and that made me literally attempt suicide. The first couple of months were a struggle, but I was strong enough to get up and go to work. I was strong enough to walk into the same work place and Jacqueline's stuff was still on her desk. (We worked at the same place.) I am now taking zoloft again. I was taking 100mg before, but I now take 50mg. It helps with depression but not anxiety. And I don't really like to feel out of my own control. I will begin to panic. Any suggestions on what I should take? I do need to speak to someone professional and plan to do so. Hopefully they can provide me with ways to handle my depression and anxiety. I don't want to ever put my loved ones through the loss of losing me. My parents are terrified because they don't want to feel what her family felt, and that's understandable. But sometimes the pain is so unbareable.