Hi~

So in March I gained 18 lbs. in 2 weeks - I was diagnosed last month with a hormonal imbalance affecting my thyroid, among other things.  This could have been triggered by poor eating habits, as I used to get so anxious about eating too much that I would go for very long periods of time without eating anything at all.  I also thought I was fat before the weight gain, even though I was in very good shape.  So I feel that this recent weight gain is a punishment to make me realize that I was beautiful (and I guess I still am because I know my body dysmorphia messes with me, but I don't feel it).  

I am on medications and have lost about 5 - 6 pounds.  But I've been sick three times since March - strep, mono + bronchitis, hacking cough.  And these last 2 weeks I have been very depressed.  So my usual working out 6 times/week has not been happening.  I don't feel that my body is beautiful anymore - all the work that I put into it to make it and keep it fit doesn't show anymore, at least not to me.  My boyfriend tells me I am beautiful, but I feel he is required to say that.  Plus, he graduated from college with a degree in exercise science, so that also intimidates me.  He has offered to help me with working out, but I freak out when he does that - to me, it validates that I look bad and need help.  I want to keep my exercise life and romantic life completely separate. 

I know I cannot change the past and I should not blame myself for the weight gain, as the poor eating habits I endured has to do with my poor mental health, not with a character flaw; however, I continue to have obsessive thoughts about it.  And I shouldn't be mad at myself for getting physically sick either but I do - I get angry because if my anxiety and depression were controlled better, I would undergo less emotional turmoil, and hence my immune system wouldn't go down so often.  

Thanks in advance to anyone who has words of encouragement, advice, or kindness.  I appreciate it so much.