I am so grateful the major holiday season is coming to an end. I love holidays and spending time with family and friends, but It just brings too much un-needed stress. I just finished my very first semester of college ever after just being fresh out of high school. There were so many great things that I did learn, and I had a lot of fun. I am glad that I went for the semester and completed passing all my classes. I believe I have mentioned this once before, but I just turned 18, I didn't ever think that at age 18 I would say this, but I do feel like a baby. I was talking with a neighbor who is 70 years old, and she said, "to me, you are practically a newborn baby, that is how much life you have ahead of you" and it helped me to better understand that I have my whole life ahead of me. I live in college town, and my dad works at the university I attend, and all my siblings go there right now. It is a great blessing to have my family in town. I went to public school in this city, I have all my friends here as well. Many of my friends attend this same university, and we are all keeping our friendships, so it is a great situation. It is also a hard situation to be in, because I compare myself to all my friends because I can. I see what they're all doing with their lives, because if it is not from them that I hear about or see what they are doing, I hear it from their families or my neighbors. I am in a rough situation, because I recently decided that I wanted to take a leave of absence for this next semester to take some time to learn who I am and to start to get my life figured out. I had fun in public school, and I did pretty well in school, but public schools systems in my state lack in so many things except for sports..I played sports at times in my life, but I only came out of high school knowing more about how my school feels about sports than anything else. I took AP and CE classes for more of a challenge, and to get some credits in school for college, but mainly because I wanted to at least gain a better education from what I could. I drifted away from my topic a bit..my point that I am a very bright student, and did well in school, but that is only because it was so easy. High school specifically. You had a better oportunity to become friends with your teacher's and because of that, personally, I could sweet talk them into not making me turn in assigments. I am a fun person to be around most of the time, because I hide my feelings from people a lot, but I think I make people happy which is why in school, I did so well. I could mess around and it made people happy, and teacher's and I got along very well and I did student government, so I was known by many throughout school. Drifting off again...I was seen as an above average student and very succesful although it didnt take much for me to be just that. My main point of all that is that I was not and did not prepare enough for college. Part of that I blame on my school system, but the other part on me. I procrastinate (did I spell that correctly?) like none other, and I still get the job done, but I am always dissapointed in how much better of a job I could do. In high school, for me, you can slack off and still do well in school and it is ridiculous. I slacked off because I could and now I regret that, because the good grades don't mean anything when you have a terrible work ethic..I took advantage of something that I didn't think would be a disadvantage to myself. Why did I explain all that? It is because I am not going to school next semester, and I am worried I am making the wrong choice, but at the same time, I cant help but feel like it is the right choice. I have a fear of not going back to school after taking this break, but I want to be an Occupation Therapist, and I really do want to go to school. Right now, I am still in my High School mode, and I just slacked off all semester, and just went to all the parties (dry campus so all I did was hang out with friends the whole time) when I had better things to do with my time and I regret it. My reason for not going to school next semester is beacause I know myself and I know that I will not do well this next semester. I dont want my parents to spend money on my school if right now I am not willing to or in the right state of mind to do well in school. I want to work 40 hours per week during this time, and save my money. Learn how to budget! Learn things I wish they would have taught me in high school. I know nothing about healthiness. I eat fruits and veggies, but I am also needing to lose a good chunk of weight and get back into shape, because I just eat whatever is in front of me. I really don't know who I am. I want to figure that out. This is why I am taking off the semester and summer from school and starting again in fall 2018. I am worried, because I plan to go back, but I read stories of people taking a break and not going back. What would I do? I wish in the states, it wasnt looked down upon to take a gap year to work, and learn about who we are. I want to be better at keeping commitments. I need to have better control of my fang smart phone. I waste so much time and I want to change that. I am worried about it becuase I feel left out from friends. It is ridiculous because during public school year's (k-12) we [my friends and I] were always together. Now we have the opportunity to do whatever we want to do with our lives, and I am still in that high school daze where it is hard for me to see my friends stay in school if I will be taking a break. Don't get me wrong, I am excited for them and cheer them all on. I want the best for them I do. It is hard to know that we will all be heading down different paths in lives. We will still always be friends because all our families are friends and live in the same city, but it won't be the same and I realize that, it is just hard for me. Saddening, more so. I feel guilty taking off this semester. I look 4+ years down the road and see them all graduating togehter and me a year later. Life is too short to jump right into everything. I need to learn who I am more importantly. I am so scared and can't sleep anymore thinking about what if I don't return to school in the fall? I am scared. I loved school so much this semester, but I should have been a better student, and I don't want to screw it up if I know I am not ready to be there yet. I want this year to be my year, and I have big dreams about losing weight, being healthier, trying to be happier, and do things I say I will do. I think by doing so, I will be prepared for school in the fall and I will do better in my life. I have spent these last 18 years of my life battling depression and anxiety, and I will always have both in my life, but I don't think that I am doing enough to be as healthy both mentally, emotionally, physcially and spiritually as I could be. I always blame my mental health for how I feel, but I am just starting to realize that I have more control that I thought I did. 18 Is a year in your life where it is big, you are an adult and that Is a (terrible, horrible thing..kidding kind of) GREAT thing. 20 is when you are no longer a teenager, and that is another milestone in your life, but 19, not much about that year in my opinion, so I want it to be my year. The year I figure out who I am. I am just so stressed about not knowing where my life will take me. In adolesence it was all dreaming, and now I need to make my dreams a reality, and that is so stressful. I dont know how you people do it! Am I making a dumb choice? I am stressed about this and not being with my lifelong friends all the time anymore. I kind of wish I wasn't going to school in the same city where I have lived my life, because i feel like it wouldnt have these same feelings, but It is such a great school and community. Life is so scary and short, I just dont want to make the wrong choice. Any advice? I need to find out who I am. This is the year I will do so.