That sounds like a really difficult situation. I'm so sorry to hear it.

Is there a way you can visit your mother when your father is not at the house?

If that's not an option and your desire to see your mom outweighs the serious discomfort of seeing your father maybe think about something that could support you while there? Bringing someone close to you or something you can do for yourself for support?

I agree with claireLE. If you can bring someone with you for support, that can make you feel a lot stronger.

You have the power now, not him.

Oh boy! We share a commonness here. Only my parents use to live in the same country (US) but a thousand miles away. Still....it wasn't across the street and I ended up staying with them.
With much help from my therapist, she reminded me that I am an adult now and that I have options. If I felt uncomfortable , I could stay at a hotel across town, cut my trip short, take a friend with, or not go at all.
My dad was sick and in a wheelchair, so the sexual abuse had ended.....it was the memories and flashbacks that I had to deal with.......I hadn't told my mom at that point as my dad was so sick and she was taking care of him. Ya know......I didn't wanna rock the boat kinda thing *rolls eyes.
MY AUNT told my mom about 4 years ago about the abuse....but it didn't seem to make a difference and like always....it got brushed under the carpet and I had to deal with it in therapy by myself.
My dad was not a nice person....ever.....very abusive. He treated my mom terrible their whole marriage, beat my brother constantly, and drugged and molested me and looked the other way when others sexually assaulted me too (ppl he knew and his friends). I couldn't go to the police as my dad was a cop.....he told us that nobody would believe us.
I remember my dad whistling for my mom like a dog whenever he wanted her to help him....never would call her by her name.
One day I burst into their bedroom as he had been whistling for her to come get him out of bed. I said "dad....my mother has a name and I'd appreciate it if you didn't treat her like a dog adn whistle for her!"
I still can't believe I stood up to him....lol.....but it felt good.
Despite my differences with him and as hard as it was.....I was good to my dad til he died 2 years ago. Unfortunately, that is when the anxiety hit full force.
I think expressing my feelings of hatred and anger towards the abuse and also how my mom has done nothing about it has really helped. As one of my therapist told me once...."Deb....you are no longer a helpless 4 year old....stand up and own your power!"
That has helped me to be able to express myself and see myself as an adult and not get thrown back into that helpless state when I'm around my parent(s) any more. It keeps me grounded.
I am so much better at setting firm boundaries with my mom and now others. If my boundaries are disrespected, it will cause problems.
I love knowing that there are options now. Boundaries keep me safe and help me to stand up for myself.
My advice is to do one of the things I advised earlier or keep your therapists phone number on speed dial while visiting and to keep your trip brief as possible.

I once saw a saying and it always makes me smile as I know that others share in a similar story.....

"I don't visit my parents very often becuz the airplane refuses to wait out on the front lawn while I run in for a quick visit" ~ author unknown to me

I'm sorry you're having this conflict first of all. That must be really hard. If it's been this long and you're okay with dealing with the issues your father and his friends have done to you, my advice would be to go visit your mother and not confront anything. Be at peace with yourself because your father is the one that will have to live with the guilt. Be there for your mother. :)

Pampasgrass, this is a difficult situation to be in. I can relate to your dilemma somewhat. My family is in Europe (Germany) and I was molested by my father. I never told my mother about it. When I got married, I wanted to invite my mother to my wedding, but not my father. However, I realized that my mother would ask me why I didnt want to invite my father to my wedding. At the time, I was not ready to tell my mother why I did not want to invite my father to my wedding, because I was afraid it would cause a lot of trouble in my parents marriage and that I would be responsible for the fallout, because I chose to tell my mother about the molestation. So, in order to protect my mother, I did not tell her the truth and decided that I would not invite either of my parents. Of course, my mother was deeply hurt and didnt speak to me for 4 years. One day I got a phone call from my sister telling me that our dad had passed away of heart failure. I immediately booked a flight to Austria where my parents were living at the time. At that visit a lot of things from the past came out. I also told my mother about the molestation and told her that it was the reason I did not want to invite my father to my wedding.

A few years earlier I had learned from my older sister that she was also molested by my father as a young girl. It had not even occurred to me that my sister could have been molested too. I thought I was the only one. Other than me, my sister didnt keep quiet. She told my grandmother and my mother about the abuse. There was a huge fight. My grandmother wanted to call the police, my mother begged her not to and my father promised he would never do it again. Well, he did not keep his promise, because I was his second victim. Years later when my mother was in the hospital with cancer she told me that she was raped by her uncle when she was 6 years old.

My mother passed away in 2010 from colon cancer. Even though we started talking again after my father passed away our relationship was not easy. We had our own issues. However, I am glad that I had those years with my mother after my father passed away. I wish I could have spent more time with her, but the main reason that didn't happen was my father. I was glad that I did not have to see him and I always felt very uncomfortable around him. Of course, distance also played a role. I am a mother myself now I can now imagine how hard it must have been for my mom when I moved to the US and out of her life.

My sister and I always wanted to be closer to our mom, but my father was always in the way. Looking back I feel that he purposefully put a wedge between my mother and my sister and I. I wish I would have had more time with my mother.

I agree with MsBlank and Cloudshine. You are an adult now not a little, helpless child. You have power and you can set boundaries. If you want to see your mother you should do it. You dont need to confront your father. Dont be scared of him. In reality he is an insecure, sad human being or he would have not molested you in the first place. If you dont want to stay at their house, stay at a hotel. You decide what is good for you and what you need to stay calm and balanced. You have options. Be with your mom. Spent time with her while its possible. You will cherish those moments for the rest of your life and I am sure she would be so happy to see you.

My thoughts are with you.

Thank you so much for your replies. It really helps to discuss it.
I may attempt to stay with an aunt and uncle while I am there, but then of course I would have to explain to my parents why.

And the situation is like this: I do not want my mother to know, you are right I want her to be in peace, she is suffering enough.
The main problem is the insistance of my father for me to stay there, ok, I could probably deal with that. But he is an abuser through and through, he will first slowly, but then surely go right back to his old ways. Constantly criticizing, constantly asking questions, and always attempting to come off as the best human being ever.

He is very strange, like a child, he will constantly be at my side, trying to talk, trying to discuss, trying to tell me his whole life story over and over again, then dragging me to all of the elderly neighbors so he can show me off. Why would an abuser want to show off his child? Then he would start to ask me questions about my private life and it just goes on and on.
He never leaves me alone when I am there, constantly barrages me with conversations to the point that I can't think, tries to get me up at 5 am because that is what he does, since he can take 5 hour naps every day. He will bombard me with this behavior right when I get there, after 11 hours of flying, stressing from traveling, having jet lag.

And this time I would be traveling with PTSD, the whole ball game has changed, because what I fear is this: if I see him my anger may spiral out of control, really out of control.

I don't want to tell my mom what happened, she deserves the last couple of years to live in peace. He has her running and jumping for him every day, to do everything for him.
That is all she has ever done, listen to his abusive words and then turn around and serve him like he is a king.
God, as I am talking about him, I feel so angry.
And all of this behavior while he fully knows what he has done, chooses to completely ignore that he is a criminal.

I only feel sorry for my mom, she did a fine job to raise two kids while being in such an abusive relationship.

I do not know how she deals with this every day.

I don't think it should be a big deal if you don't stay with them. In families where there is no abuse, parents or children often think nothing of staying in a hotel when they visit for lots of reasons - lack of space or just not wanting to get on one another's nerves.

It sounds like you are shouldering the whole burden of keeping the peace here and in that sense, the abuse is just continuing. You have every right to dictate where you will stay and how much time you spend with either parent when you visit. If I were you, I would just stay wherever I felt comfortable and then refuse to argue about it.

That way, you can focus on seeing your mother. Take her out to do things your dad won't want to be a part of - get pedicures or go shopping, maybe?

Thank you Judy, you are so right. The abuse does continue if I am the one trying to keep the peace.

My mom deserves so much more and I am terribly saddened that she never got out of this abusive relationship. She has endured him now for over 50 years.

I fear my own reaction, how I would deal with it, if I would want to hurt him. He is so outrageously blunt, abusive, and critical.

You see, the last time I saw him I saw him as a loving doting father that cared about his daughter.
Since then I have found out that all of that was just lies, that he actually abused me and let his friends abuse me when I was so young.

It is like leaving a father, and then having to say hello to a monster.

I think seeing him would throw me into a huge depression, PTSD episodes, and psychosis. I think all of that would happen, and to see his lying face, to know that he just lied about it for over 50 years to everyone and still acts so high and mighty, furious about it.

I don't know if I would not loose it and actually hurt him, kick his behind for everything he did to me.
Because of him I was abused by so many men, because I had accepted the role as a victim from childhood on, because I had accepted that it was normal to be treated by men like that because that is what I learned as a child.

Naturally I am very strong willed, but when I was a teen, a lot of these men took advantage of me, and thereafter as well.

He started this chain reaction.

You have every right to be angry....I know I am and I have stopped denying it. My mom put up with my dads abuse until the day he died.....they were together for 52 years.
IMO you do not sound ready to put yourself in the position of visiting them.
Can you get your mom a plane ticket and bring her to your place for a visit? If your dad needs care....she could put him in respite care.

I found myself angry at my mom for staying with my abusive dad and pretending everything was rainbows and butterflies.....far from it.
Oh.....your dad showing you off is becuz you are his "trophy"....it's a common theme with abusers.
My dad's tongue filter was broken......very inappropriate ever since I can remember.
Several months before he died....he said something very inappropriate to me and I walked out on him. I never visited or called him from that day forward. However, I sent him cards every few weeks. I had better control through letters. My dad has been gone for 2 years now.....and sadly.....I don't miss him.
My mom knows the truth about what my dad did to me.....but dad had verbally and mentally abused her for so long that she put him on some kind of pedestal....makes me wanna puke.
I'm glad it is in the open about my dad.....my mom needs to know the truth. It is sad that she knew that he was beating my brother and he was womanizing like crazy and treated him like some kinda king......that just added coal to an already burning fire. I am back in therapy. Just recently two of her sisters have stepped forward to say my dad hit on them for years......my mom now has stopped idolizing my dad......sad that what happened to me meant nothing to her....but her idolization of him ended when she found out he was after her sisters.....makes me feel worthless to her.
I am now taking care of my mom, but have limited my time with her. My mom has many issues and she will never change.....so I've changed my reaction to her. I love her and will not bail on her even though she hurts me constantly.....but I now call her on it.
Oh.....and my brother has been dead for 38 years and she compared me to him up until about a year ago when I finally told her I had had enough.
Sometimes you just gotta stand up for yourself.....in a loving but firm manner. If you don't, you will be miserable forever.

I tried to confront my dad, but he told me it wasn't that bad!!!!!
My therapist told me to never bring it up again for fear it would push me over the edge as I have already done 2 hospital stints and 20+ years of therapy.

Oh well.....whatever you decide....I am here to support you!