hi.. all this time i avoided my fears and really did't come out of my shell. I read a book about depression and it says that if you avoid what you fear it will grow and grow... and it will get worst. It says " First you have to make the decision to overcome it." I honestly feel guilty about this whole thing. I didn't want to do the task that needs to be done so i could conquer this. I'm LAZY. I have ambition but too fearful. I was diagnosed with depression I also am a compulsive eater. I am a nurse but was too anxious on the training. I could carry stuff but I'm always anxious and I am thinking if I did the right thing. I am afraid of harming the patient. I am not relaxed. My brain is slow sometimes and absent minded. I don't know why I am so scared to continue my profession. 2 doctors said that i should pursue another career. I tried to got o school 3x but because of my attitude and panic attacks, ( i had 3x panic attacks my entire life, one was on school) I gave up. The recent doctor who checked me up said, "It seems like your confidence is low." The first time I gave up on school, that's because i panicked. The second, I was embarrassed during the reporting because |I wasn't prepared. Third, I couldn't handle the stress and was too damn scared. told him that I am concerned with my weight. So he told me that i should lose. Because it will start from there. Every time I am making the right decision, I feel stressed. maybe because I was resisting.


The last time I had a task. Going to the market with someone. So we had a list. I easily forget things in there. The list was long. And kinda confusing. I don't know is it just normal?? And i feel like she is irritated to me. Because I forget things easily.Am i taking things too personally?

So there I was reading this book called "Feeling Good" and I can really relate to the descriptions. I don't have much panic anxiety but it says people with panic attacks fear looking foolish in front of others and losing control. Thats exactly what I am feeling.

There's a company hiring for facialists. I want to apply but i am scared what if i couldnt do the job? What if i get stuck and couldnt get out of the job?? MOst of the time i have anxiety and instructuions are difficult for me. I am scared too, to say goodbye to my lifestlyle. I kniow i am a loser for saying this. and this must stop! I know i will be the one who will be miserable if i dont have a job. Another option was baking. I am thinking selling online so i dont have to deal with a lot of people. I have a frend who knows someone who has anxiety who is scared to deal with people. she bakes cakes cupcakes and cookies, and she sells it online. She doesnt make much. I know a few bakers who made it big. But , what if my efforts go into waste? I know im sooo negative. My market is facebook friend only. darn. I feel more relaxed on baking. I am not good in baking bgut i think i can work on that. I read people who have social anxiety must have jobs which has limited interactions. I know the doctor says I can become a nurse if i worked on my confidence, but i m still scared. I f i gain confidence, will my feelings change?? =( just soo confused.

I know my post was kinda long.