the psychotic episode triggered in early december by escalation in the u.s. border crisis seems to be stabilizing. seems. . . prayers ongoing. . . think i'll indulge a wish that these episodes had clear, concise endings. show's over folks. time to go home. sigh. . . as i work to rebuild my confidence, today's meditation read from "meditations for people who worry" feels especially pertinent. just sharing.

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the misfortunes hardest to bear are these which never came. ~james russel lowell

we worriers can do allot with "what if's." how many times have we carefully worked out what we thought would happen, how we would respond, and how the other person would respond, only to find that all of our assumptions and espectations had comepletly missed the mark and we were prepared for something that never happened.

how much time we waste in what might have been when we have only to deal with what is! often the anticipation is much worse than dealing with the actual event, no matter how horrible it is. pain is that way. i think we cause pain by anticipating it. better to deal with it as we must.

nothing in the constitution says i have to torture myself before the event.

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i know my own intrusive thought loops --whatever the subject-- are a form of "what if" self-torture that sap me of nearly every resource i have, both physical and emotional. it would take a million lifetimes to live out all the "what if" scenarios i can conjecture in a single psychotic episode. i've mostly given up on trying to understand why i do this to myself. today i will let it be enough to keep the focus on finding something more productive to do than torturing myself with expectations and anticipation. pain is inevitable. suffering is optional.