Wow. I don't even know where to begin... I found this board looking for support. I have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for about the last 20 years. I remember them starting when I was in the second grade. I was on the playground with a kid from school and having the usual discussion of what do you want to be when you grow up. I said that I wanted to be a doctor... He said, I am going to be a doctor too and cut you into little pieces. It was after this event that I remember becoming afraid of EVERYTHING. It was really bad. I didn't want to play outside. I was afraid of wind, bad weather, bugs, everything. I remember hiding under my bed with my ears closed shut during thunderstorms. I was always afraid of dying. My parents took me to the doctor, who prescribed a placebo for me (white tic-tacs). After a few months they started to work and I was able to do some things again. I never felt accepted socially and always had few friends. Flash forward a few years. My parents had divorced and my dad remarried a very controlling person with a mean temper. She always pushed me to do my best and always made me feel that I was never good enough. After a while I started to believe this and became a major perfectionist. I began to enter local beauty pageants and always placed in the top whatever. I had good grades and graduated as salutatorian of my class. Still I was pushed to do more and be better (if I made a 99 on a test "why wasn't it 100" and stuff). I was a cheerleader and really enjoyed it but my parents NEVER watched me cheer. They came for two games where they had too because it was senior night and my dad had to escort me on the field. I was crowned Homecoming Queen, also my senior year. I went to college and decided that I wanted to go to pharmacy school. I got accepted, then my parents started giving me a really hard time about this or that and holding things over my head. I had a relationship end really badly and I was terribly crushed. I was incredibly stressed with everything in my life and the stresses of pharmacy school. I couldn't concentrate and began having anxiety attacks again, almost daily, but didn't know what they were. I ultimately had to drop out of pharmacy school because I just couldn't handle it all. I finished wiht a less demanding degree and sometimes I still feel like a failure. To the present, I am married with a 2 year old, who has a nut allergy. I work full time and have to commute about an hour from my home (including dropping off at daycare and driving). The pressure of keeping up my house, work (which is really demanding), spending time with my son, and being a good wife has made me a stress case and I've been having more anxiety attacks lately. Within the past year, I have had to deal with having my identity stolen (both mine and my husband's), our cars broken into on the same night (and our next door neighbor's - different story), having 3 very expensive mountain bikes stolen from our garage, and my grandmother passed away. I don't have any motivation and don't enjoy things anymore. I often feel socially inept. I just want to feel normal again. I am reading "Panic to Power" and "Don't Panic" to try to help. But any support will be appreciated. :)
Posts You May Be Interested In
I have been here before, a long long time ago and now I am back.Forgive me for not just saying what I want to say,even under a triple dose of antidepressants it is still raw and seeping and I am hesitant at revealing it as at least under the bandages around my heart I don,t have to look at how raw and wounded.My child was cleaved from my heart by his own actions. my child of ten,turning eleven...
I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...