Hello Friend,
I've been in your shoes. Healing starts with admitting where you're at and knowing where you are. You feel lost and confused. Do you stuff your emotions? Or do you speak with someone about what's going on in your life? Can you tell us what happened in 2012? Most people here have suffered some sort of trauma. You're not alone. Talking helps. I don't believe you're a bad person. Sometimes we make bad decisions, but it doesn't necessarily make us bad people. Sometimes we unintentionally hurt people because all we know is hurt. Are you intentionally hurting someone?

Well back in 2012, my grandma had passed away. My mom and i went over to protect the family home. Little did we know or i know i would have been abused as bad as i was. I was forced to perform oral sex on a family member, forced to have sex, was beat nonstop for 6 hours straight. Was so sore the next day, i had bruises all over my arms, legs, stomach, but he never hit me in the face. I was told he could slice me up below to where i couldnt have kids. He drowned me or flooded ne with water in the shower. He stole my car, saud horrible things. Just overall it was bad. It has robbed me of who i am, im isolated, depressed, feel no good. I think all the time im horrible or a bad person. Never used to. I miss me. I want so much to be normal.

I am so sorry for what you have been through! Are you in a safe place now?

I strongly encourage you to seek the help of a counselor who specializes in trauma. I was sexually abused and understand what it's like to feel, as you said, robbed of who you are. I struggled with my identity for most of my life, and feel like I have experienced the most healing this past year. It hasn't been easy because I've had to stop running and take a stand. For instance, the man who sexually abused me has sent me birthday cards the last two years. The first year I destroyed it, because I though that would solve the problem. Last year, after destroying it, I actually tapped it back together and filed a police report. If I receive one this year, I am going to file a restraining order. I've also forgiven this individual. Not face to face, as it's not necessary. But in my own heart. I understand that he isn't a monster, but a hurt individual who has hurt other people. I desire no relationship as this person has demonstrated that they are still operating in wickedness. He brands me with the birthday cards by my former last name to "remind" me who I belong to. It's a lie, I know who I am and who I belong to and no man on this earth can change that. Praise God. But again, are you in a safe place now?