I thought it was time to write stuff down. Since 6 years have I been suffering from severe anxiety. Im 20 now and its.. complicated.

When I was around 14 years I began to have anxiety. It was worst when I was around 16 to 17. (New school)

I had so much stress and anxiety that I couldnt eat anything in school. Lips and tongue always completely dry. Sports was the worst.

Anyways, my weight went to 55 kilograms at 16 or 17 years and Im male. Then I went to the hospital and they told me I had psychosis, schizophrenia and asperger. Not a single anxiety disorder. How can that be???

My parents didnt help through that time, they shouted at me I should eat more. Even after school I couldnt eat. The funny part is that when I had holidays, I could eat as much as I wanted. I hate school. One time I puked after trying to eat at home after school and my parents shouted at me, I should learn how to eat. Well fuck them!!

So now Im here with healthy weight at no friends at all because I love my alone time and I despise people of any kind, even my parents. Am trying to get good grades in school but concentrating is hard, Im always IN MY HEAD, thinking about when its gonna be over and I can go home.

Also my sight is blurred. When I take on my glasses its hard to look sharp. It naturally blurs out, as if Im sleepy. When I go home and my parents are working its like heaven.

I listen to music and watch youtube videos on my phone all day. I think thats a thing many asperger people do. My mind always needs stimulation. Besides, what else can I do? I have little anxiety outside too because there are so many people, especially in town. I figured most people are not sensitive like me.

My father is only interested in grades. I try to deliver but its really hard because in school Im not ever intent/attentive.

Im also afraid to use things like the bus or go by train. I cant figure out the map on the bus and I never really liked trains. :p Id rather go a few kilometres by foot than go by bus. Is that normal for someone like me?

I hate school because people are so loud and impulsive. I like being alone its peaceful at home. I even get anxiety when my parents are home. Hmm.. although I get much bigger anxiety when my father comes home, rather than my mother. Actually when I go to town with my mom my anxiety is better. My father always had anger issues when I got bad grades earlier in life. Now its a little better.

Im actually a little bit jealous of my good old elementary friends. They didnt get things like scoliosis or mental illness and do well in life. And I cant even get myself to workout anymore because of scoliosis. Its only a 25° S curve but I keep thinking and worrying about it. Its probably my fault too because I starved myself and I was sitting uneven for long periods of time.

I cant feel anything else than anxiety anymore. When I laugh about a joke it is because of anxiety. In school I laugh a lot about silly jokes, even not funny ones, because im so anxious. When I get home its totally the opposite. Im still anxious but more depressed and angry. Kinda like Thaddeus from spongebob.

Although I never show anger. I keep my feelings hidden from anyone. If someone in school would attack me or prank me I would most certainly ignore it because I have eaten little in school, Im anxious as f*ck, and I would much rather kill everyone than do something to him to take back my pride. Im pretty helpless...

Why do people still go to school and obey the law? Anarchy would solve the most problems. You live or die. You only need to care for yourself. No outcome based indoctrination system is needed to get money. There is no mental illness to care for because survival is more important.

We have stores full of food and we still need to pay for it instead of just eating it. Why not just take it.

But lets not wander off track. Theres some lessons in school where I could learn everyday 24 hours or have the book opened to me during the test and still fail! Lessons such as information technology or physics. Back then you just had to find a formula and adjust it to get the result. Now I dont even know how. I look up a formula in the book and there is 2 missing variables. Not solvable.

And im not good with women. I cant see myself getting in a relationship cause I have anxiety all the time and I will probably stay a virgin forever.

The way I deal with stress is just to ignore it. If someone in school asks something or talks about a stupid videogame (that im so familiar with) I just ignore it. I dont like talk.

But there is one thing I know 100%. I will have anxiety forever and you cant cure it. Im sick of this life! Ive been stuck on the same stage for decades!!

Scoliosis is also my fault because of this. Everyone who didnt get it at 4 years (genetically) just had poor posture or did some stupid mistake. Now we have to suffer all our lifes with a petty back. Why cant doctors find a cause for it? Is it so complicated? Isnt it just genetics for some and poor posture or sitting positions / carrying something heavy for others..? What else could it be?

Oh before I forgot, I seem to have ocd too. Im not obsessive that much, but I have compulsions. I need to get everything tidy and orderly at home and do ocd stuff. Isnt that an anxiety disorder aswell?

I Hate myself for allowing to get scoliosis and allowing myself to starve when I was in that school earlier!! I hate scoliosis.