So, my mother, sisters and niece and nephew are here visiting my city where I live to shop shop and shop. Yes, just to shop and not spend any time with me.  When I visit them in my hometown, they never want to spend anything time with me.  They just don't like me. They don't love me.  I am use to their treatment of me but I thought this time visiting my city they would want to spend some time with me. My older sister told me weeks go they were coming to Fort Worth, Texas at the end of July. My anxiety levels are really high right now because their true intentions were shown last night. 

You see they didn't even tell me they had arrived in town. It was almost 10pm and I was getting worried that they hadn't let me know that they arrived. So I sent my sister a text asking if they had arrived already.

She replied back: "We are already settle now."" What day would would be good to meet up with you for 10 minutes?" "We are leaving for Friday morning." I was so hurt by her response that I didn't respond back.  " Meet up for 10 minutes" WTF! I am just tired of their selfish ways in how they treat me. I don't know how much more I can take.  My mother has always hated me for being the mistake she made that she has told me that she wish I was never born growing over and over again. She saw me bleeding profusely after I cut my wrist washing my bike and would not help me stop the bleeding. She just stood there and watched Luckily my father helped me while she just stood there and watched. And when she found out I was gay she just hates me even more now and tries to make me feel really bad by telling me I don't know anything when I am having a conversation with her.  I don't know how much I can bear from horrible treatment from my mother and sisters.  My sisters are so selfish that the last time they visited my city when I lived in Nashvile, I interrupted their shopping time. I had to call them because my car had died on me and it needed to be towed.  They came to my location but both of sisters 36yo and 32yo would not loan me 60.00 to have my car towed. I was just short 60.00 of the 80.00.  They would not even come to their brother's aid and help me. They saw My car was disabled and would not help me at all. But I use take them back and forth to work when I got my first car.They don't remember any of that.  My mother was there and she eventually gave me the money but she didn't want to.

I just want this feeling of not being worthy of love and companionship to go away. Because of my mother and father treatment of me as a child, I now suffer with bipolar and social anxiety disorder. They loved my sisters and rejected me with emotional, mental, and physical abuse. Mothers shouldn't pull a child's ear to discipline him and cause him constant 6-7 hour ear aches monthly. My mother is a certified nut. I could go on and on with things she has said and done to me. My father just not never bonded with me. And when tried to show he maybe cared about me, it was never consistent enough where I felt it all the time. I am now 46 yo and just screwed up. 

So, I have no friends because I think everyone is going to not like or love me and reject me. I apologized for my grammar and sentence structure in this post, but I just can't take anymore of their rejection. I just don't know what to do. I wasted 4 sessions of my EPA counseling sessions this summer on a counselor who couldnt remember what I told him the previous session.  He really wasn't any help but to give me book titles and tell me to "Let It go." He said "Get over it". I won't be going back to see him my last two sessions available. 

I am just tired of feeling so empty everyday. The only thing I can do is to listen to my music and sleep to cope.