Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
HIV - Fear and Loathing (and Anxiety) but is it REAL?
I’d like to share my story with you. I’m not really sure whether I’m expecting help or maybe I’m just hoping this writing experience to be cathartic. There are many people in similar situations to me, but as always with this kind of thing, I’m convinced my case is “unique” or different.
Firstly, let me give you a bit of background. I have always been afraid of death (an intense fear). I’ve always been a hypochondriac. I have often experienced depersonalisation and derealisation, often in relation to the “death” issue. I am not religious, and so cannot find any solace in prayer.
I have a very low opinion of myself, I have no self-confidence and am struggling with my job / finances at the moment.
I have had one or two unsafe sexual exposures in my life. I have tested for HIV out to 8 months. All negative – but with very real ongoing symptoms since the exposure. Some can be attributed to stress / anxiety. Others cannot. Too much of a coincidence, I often think.
I struggle to accept my negative results. I look for every reason as to why I shouldn’t believe them. In the process I have convinced myself that I must have CVID (lack of antibodies) causing the frequent colds, oral thrush; I have then convinced myself that I am one of the serosilent who never develop antibodies. This leads to further depersonalisation. Fear. Anxiety.
i even think are tests in nigeria accurate ??? as i did my own test in a private lab in lagos state
My fears with this started with me being afraid of herpes. Then syphilis. Then HIV.
If you play the numbers game, I should be statistically in the clear – but what if I’m “the one” who is unlucky that the tests missed. I don’t trust my body.
And as with anything when one is incredibly worried, everywhere I look all I see are things related to HIV – articles, numbers, letters. A shudder instantly goes through my spine. It seems too much of a coincidence – almost like destiny.
I spend hours a day looking at all the HIV forums on the internet – looking for someone in a similar situation. Looking to convince myself one way or the other. Occasionally, I go through a few months of normality before the fear sets in again. The consequences are too dangerous to just “let it go”. I can't let it go for fear of it coming back to bite me.
Of course, I was unfaithful. I told my girlfriend. But when I look in to her eyes I can’t forgive myself. I don’t want to hurt her. I hate uncertainty.
I long to go back to my childhood (or even just a few years ago). When things were simple. When life was good. I don’t want to be here. Thinking about HIV, odds, statistics and symptoms. I want to move on. I am stuck in a nightmare of my own making.
As soon as I get some clarity of thought, I can relax somewhat, but I've read so much about testing and this disease that I know too much for my mind to rest fully. If it's not the fear of what it actually could be, it's the fear of what could have been. I seem to jump between the two.
I think my problems come from a number of things, such as fear of infecting a partner, my fear of death, hypochondria and other self esteem / anxiety issues. The combination of all of these has just blown me sideways.
I think this has moved beyond simple "guilt". It has been wth me so long now that it has almost made the disease a "reality".
My gf says that the key is forgiving myself. But I can't. I need assurances that people (and science?) don't seem to be able to give me. And when they do, I take them on board for around a week before I convince myself that just because they have said something, it doesn't change my situation or how I perceive it. Bizarrely, I keep thinking that getting alternative tests (not based on antibodies) will help, yet no doubt that if they returned negative (not that I can get them where I am anyway) then I still wouldn't believe them.
Today, I've been calculating odds like crazy – working out what the chances of different scenarios, the chances that I may not have this, the chances that she doesn't have it, the chances that the tests are correct etc. I like to try and look at the numbers to help me put things into perspective. I even try to visualise them (for example, imagining a packed football stadium full of people), but again, logic does not help.
I know this has been a bit of a rant. I’m hoping it will help (me and others). But at the moment, I’m at a loss.
bullito
rant away, my friend, it is one of the things we are here for. I, for one, once thought I had HIV without having sexual relations except with my wife. so the idea was stupid because I was not thinking that she had been unfaithful. the trick with HIV is that you can have it and symptoms not show up until years later. I find it very hard to believe the tests are not designed to err on the positive side because what nobody wants is someone infected with HIV walking around thinking he/she does not have it and spreading it around. how your current stress took hold of your hypochondria took away its knife sharpened it with your guilt and is carving anxiety figurines all over your mind is the question many a psychiatrist/psychologists would like to be able to answer. chin up, you are safe, you got lucky this time, stick to your girlfriend. solve your financial problems and everything is going to be all right.
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