Anxiety Support Group
Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...
I honestly can't stand myself and I hate me. I was broken up via email from my boyfriend of two years. He won't speak to me. We were rocky but we were both trying to seek help and I though things were going better. I hate myself because I feel like my ocd, depression and anxiety ruined our relationship. I constantly had fears and would seek our reassurance. If he said bows not a good time to talk and I would take it as he hates me or he's talking about me. This is not the life to live. A week before he broke up with me and left for vacation he said he would work with me and be there. I'm lost. I'm sad about the relationship but I'm even sadder that I hurt someone who treated me so well while we were together. Thats why I hate myself. I am seeing a therapist and just got prescribed Luvox for my anxiety and ocd. It's too little too late. I hate myself for what I did to him. I overnalyzed everything. I badger people until I get an answer because I fear the worst. I just want to punish myself.
What I can tell you in advice is: don't blame yourself. You know when they say, "It's not you, it's me" so often that's true. I broke up with my boyfriend more because of plans I had made for my own life that didn't involve him.
It's okay to reach out for help. It's the right place to do so.
Some things that have been helping me as I go through this current breakup are listening to my breakup play list, journaling, writing angsty poetry, therapy, my meds, and indulging myself in all of the things I lotto do that he didn't like me to do.
Don't punish yourself. Self-destructive behavior is about the worst thing you can do right now. Remember, success is the best revenge. This is your chance to make yourself a better more evolved person so they can be jealous of you later when you're doing so well.
I hope the therapy helps you because if you continue to talk to yourself this way, you are just going to continue on in this anxiety spiral. Your brain "hears" every thought and feeling you have about yourself and it will respond accordingly. And all the medication in the world can't fix your relationship with yourself. Its got to come from you. I don't mean that to sound so blunt but I don't know how else to say it .
This is just my personal opinion, but I don't think that anybody with a severe anxiety disorder or depression issues needs to be making their relationship with somebody else their main focus. Your own relationship with yourself is pretty much in the toilet it sounds like. That is where all your focus needs to be. That has to come first.
I say this as somebody who was once a young 20 year old girl who was clingy and who drove people away with my dependancy and fears and drama. I never hated myself....but I was pretty weak and helpless and looked to my relationships to "fix" me and make me feel secure. Thankfully I wised up and worked on myself and now I am strong and have my anxiety under control and I don't need anybody to "fix" me. I fixed myself.
If you are so unhappy, then keep on with the therapy and then start doing things differently. Forget about everybody else and start doing things differently. Face your fears, even in the tinest of ways, and learn to live on your own and become independent.
Read what you wrote up there...that's pretty rough stuff. You may not be able to change your fears overnight or make the anxiety or OCD go away over night. But there is one decision you can make right here and now and that is to always have your own back....to never put yourself down....and to only speak kindly about yourself. Even if you don't necessarily mean what you are saying right at this point....you still gotta try. You gotta have a line that you just won't ever cross and it starts right at disrespecting yourself.
Anyway, just my thoughts. That is what I wish somebody had told me 20 years ago. I probably would have blown them off and not listened, but maybe you will get something out of it.
It sounds like you just got put on meds, so wait for them to kick in and you will probably feel better. I know my meds help me a lot.
If your therapist is cutting her hours, I urge you to take steps to find a new therapist that you can see. I know my therapist has been invaluable in coaching me through this crisis. Sometimes when your friends and family are too tired to hear anymore a good therapist will still be there, as will DS.
Good luck to you, sweetie. I hope you feel better.