Anxiety Support Group

Anxiety is a physical condition marked by intense and persistent feelings of distress, fear, angst or dread. General anxiety caused by routine day-to-day stresses usually passes quickly and is experienced by almost everyone at one time or another. However, such feelings that linger over time and are very difficult to cope with, and which lack a clear cause, may indicate...

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cls1988 08/26/2009

Well up until last Saturday I was learing to deal with my anxiety some what. Last Saturday my step daughter and her two daughters 4 and 1 1/2 years old came to stay with us. They are staying with us till we go to court tomorrow. The judge may be taking her children from her for the third time in a year. Children services has asked my husband and I to take the two girls. This week has been the week from hell with all of them. My step daughter is nothing but a tramp and no good mother. She has been with this guy everyday since she has been staying with us. She leaves early in the morning and dont come home till late. Well last night she didnt come home at all. I am so stressed out and have started crying again. I dont think I can handle raising two little kids. My husband says he understands but wants to take kids. He says that if it is to much or me then we wont but I am afraid that he will leave me later for not taking the kids. I have thought of ending my marriage because of this and telling him to raise the girls since they are his blood and I know deep down he wants to. His daughter has tried to break me and my husband up since we first got together. I feel like she is getting what she wants now. I found a letter she wrote to her boyfriend where she was talking about them having a baby. It talks in the letter that they are having sex everyday just so she can get pregnant. She is stupid!! She dont take care of the two she already has. She wont work. She gets food stamps and medical coverage through our welfare department. They wont give her cash assistance because she has to try to get a job and work for it. She wont do that. She has no way to pay her rent that is 17 dollars a month, her electric which is 20 dollars a month or buy diapers for the littlest child she has now. She bums off of other people to get diapers. She has had an eviction notice for not paying her rent and got help through some agency paying it so they wouldnt be homeless and also got help from some agency getting her electric back on when it got shut off a month ago. I am so sick of the system helping these girls who choose to do this. They are able to work but choose not to and just sit on the butts and have babies so they can get free money. What about people who are really sick and need help??? or the elderly who cant afford to get their medicines or eat???? It really makes me sick. I am so upset today because of this. I dont know what is going to happen with my marriage because of all this. I love my husband so much and I know he loves me. How can I ask him to let his grandchildren go to foster care? But on the other hand how can he expect me to take care of them when I am not able to? Just wanted to vent and see if anyone elses has went through something like this and might be able to help me understand.

deleted_user 08/26/2009

I can undertsand you are overwhelmed but when you take vows it is for better or worst. If you have a good husband and he treats you good then I don't think you should leave him. I don't know what I would do in your shoes sounds like it would be hard to take on 2 small children if you feel you can't I would not beat yourself over it. I am sure your husband is torn because this is his daughter and grandkids they def need a stable home maybe they could go in foster care and you guys get them on the weekends to make sure they are doing fine. There are lots of loving homes and that is what they need. I would encourage you to pray and seek God on what you should do and tell your husband how you feel. I am aure he would not leave you because of this if he loves you. I will keep you in my prayers.

deleted_user 08/26/2009

I don't know what your husband would expect from you with taking care of the kids but they are HIS grandchildren...not yours. That may seem harsh but what I'm trying to say is that if he wants to take them in, and you agree, you have to lay the ground rules about what you will and will not do as the step-grandmother. They should be HIS responsibility. Maybe you can help him with some other responsibilities in his life so that he has more time to spend with them...but it shouldn't be your job.

I say this as the stepmother of 2 children whom I raised almost like I was their real mom (who lives in another state and practically had nothing to do with them), and I have learned since then that I should never have taken on as much as I did with them. I let my husband sit back and tune out, and then if he didn't like the way I was handling things he'd yell at me. They are his children and he should have taken the lead big time when it came to raising them.

I'm sorry you're going through this and that it causing you such stress and possibly a rift in your marriage. I might suggest marriage counseling as well, as I'm sure a marriage counselor has run into lots of these "blended family" situations before. He or she could give you advice on what to do if you decide to take the kids. I'm sad for them, too, starting out their lives this way. Please do some research and don't go it alone...

(((HUGS)))

cls1988 08/26/2009

Thank you both for the advice. Mom2michelle I really want to thank you for opening up my eyes. I am going to speak with my husband about this and find out what he expects from me and how much he is planning on playing a role in their lives. I see a therapist for my anxiety and mood disorder and other issues I have. I have talked with her but she has not commented on it much. I guess I was expecting her to tell me what to do. I will have to be the one to decide that and unfortanely I dont have much time to think about it since court is tomorrow morning. Again thanks to both of you for the advice. Kristen37 you are right marriage is for better or worst but I am also looking out for my health and well being. I hope it doesnt go to the point that I end my marriage. I love my husband with all my heart. I am trying to have faith and waiting for god to help me to decide. I just want him to give me a sign so I know what to do.

deleted_user 08/26/2009

You said you're afraid your husband my leave you if you don't take in the kids. Don't you realize that the resentment you will feel for him because he forced you into this situation will end with YOU leaving HIM. Your husband has no right to expect this of you. You already suffer anxiety and those kids ( no matter how good they are) will send your anxiety through the roof. Do not think for one second that he will take the responsibility of caring for these girls because he won't. The entire burden will fall in your lap. If you think you have anxiety now,,,, you have no idea. My heart goes out to chose children that had the misfortune of being birthed to this woman but she was afterall raised by your husband. He is not holding her responsible and he needs to. This is not you problem. Love the children, pray for the children but do not let them move in. They've already experienced an uncaring and selfish mother....don't let them experience a resentful and bitter Gramma. You're wise to consider you health/mental health first because you obviously already know this is not the right choice for you. If your husband loved you so much he would never ask you to consider it. I wish you the very best and will say a prayer for you and your family. HUGS. Let me know how it works out.

deleted_user 08/26/2009

I feel your pain and your husband's desperation.There has to be a happy medium. If he was gonna be the children's caretaker, then it would be different. Woman are so much put in a category to be The world's metaphoric wet nurses, arent we? I take an antidepressant which keeps me at an even keel, but load me 24/7 with my grandkids, watch me crash on all 4's! And I love being gramma and spending time with them. Foster care could be a good thing. The step-daughter would perhaps get her eyeballs to open up. Once they are in foster care, it's not a simple task to get them out. Mommy has to show to responsible. And you as grandparent can set up weekend visits, overniters, and such. This will keep your marriage in tact because he knows the kids are safe and his wife won't turn into a Nervious Nellie.

cls1988 08/26/2009

You both just decribe my thoughts. My husband and I have talked this evening and he is willing to let them go to foster care for my well being. After the social worker with children services told us we would have to take the kids to her if she could not get to our home (we live 67 miles away from her). She wouldnt be able to because she dont drive nor does she have a car. That opened my husbands eyes. I also asked him who would be getting up with them every morning to feed them, take them to school and day care and then doctors. He looked at me and said I guess you would. I told him no I could not do it alone and shouldnt have to. I work too. Usually more hours than he does. He then said he understood and we thought that foster care would be the best or them. We will still get to see them and be grandparents and his daughter would not get to be with them whenever she wanted to. If she is ever going to learn to grow up and be a mom this might be the only way. thanks again to all for getting me through this tough day. I will keep you all posted tomorrow on what happens. god bless all of you

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