You are as important as your family. Start looking for help. Maybe a slight change of medication,
talking to a therapist, or someone else.

thank you so much for replying. im trying very hard. i pretty much already do all those things. and im talking to someone else now, or trying. i eventually become nothing but just a problem for everybody or a bother, i can see and feel it. they lie but i see thorough it. im posting now honestly because im scared of the things im feeling and thinking

There really is such a thing as trying to hard. Here in my second parenting career, I need a ladder to climb upon my parental cross, so it is getting a little easier to ply some self-care instead of making that long, hard climb.

A therapy tool I learned during my first parenting career is, H.A.L.T. When I get to where I am pondering questions like, "When enough enough?" I stop to take a personal inventory starting with "Am I. . .

"Hungry
"Angry
"Lonely or
"Tired?"

Any one of those 4 conditions is far easier to remedy than the damages done to children by parents who are pushing themselves too hard. Parenting is an exhausting endeavor. Don't neglect Dad in the balancing act. You aren't helping your family a bit by neglecting yourself.

Gentle support while you brave the challenge.

thank you arfie, ill keep all that in mind. and maybe youre right, i can try too hard maybe.
im more scared at the moment of all the thoughts and feeling i have and trying to ignore them, go on, and shove them down inside or excuse them. it makes me cry almost uncontrolably at times. youre not supossed to listen to them but youre staying here in pain so you dont pass that pain on to others. so live hurt so they dont have to

Write your thoughts down in a journal. It might make you feel a bit better.
Tell your therapist the kind of thoughts your having. The thoughts are probably
not completely true. They could be distorted by your emotions, etc. You don't really know what other people are thinking unless you ask them. Thoughts are not reality, they are just thoughts. My therapist told me this.

thank you, i feel like step one is to just get beyond this moment and then i can work on trying to change thinks up and make forward progress but at the moment im just trying to get through this moment alive you know?

Try one hour at a time. Or 15 minutes at a time. I read a story about a woman
that got stabbed in the chest several times. She survived but had a low pain
tolerance. The doctor had her breathing into a little machine to improve
her breathing. It was like being stabbed each breath she took. So she started
trying to get though the pain one second at a time. Eventually, she could
go five minutes at a time, etc. Also find something that comforts you, listen
to favorite music, watch birds outside your window, etc. Try to do for a short
time each day.

I am utterly convinced that hiding such things from kids only teaches them to hide things. They may not have words for what caregivers are going through, but they feel it even more acutely than we do. I did allot of the traditional masking and trying too hard in my first parenting career. I promise I never made the cover of Parents Magazine. Example is not ONE way to influence children. It's the ONLY way. They learn what we live far more than what we say.

I am only in the second year of my second parenting career with my orphaned grandchildren (7, 5 & 2). This time I'm giving it a go of teaching them how to be gently, kid-rated open and honest about my problems and how to ply self-care, etc.

Just praying. . . We see how ^it^ grows.

Welcome to the anxiety board at DS.

Caregiver Burnout is frequent. Take time to refresh, renew, and revive "you" for you.

Writing in a daily journal will help you sort through everything and find a better balance.

thank you everybody for help and tips. i REALLY do appriciate it.
i think right now im going to go to the hospital. i dont think im safe.
thank again and ill let you all know how i make out.
goodbye

Have you tried to take time out of your life and bond with your children? Maybe taking time out of your day to relive stress will help you feel better. Also, how are you sleeping at night? sometimes when I do not sleep well at night, I get these feelings of irritability and I do not want to be around anyone. I know that life is hard and it can be stressful, but push through. Be patient with yourself, it takes time to catch up on sleep and help your mental health.

Sounds like a good idea to go to the hospital. Hope they can help you.

You don't have to continue in suffering, do what you can to make it better, to enjoy life. Do fun things, don't just work hard, play hard also. Spend time with family doing fun things, there is so much available that is free or inexpensive. Life is what you make it, what you focus on. Look to the good, be the good, do the good, enjoy good things of life. We are what we focus on.