How old is your child? That's the most important thing to find out because if he's five, you're being crazy - but if he's 25, then he's being a jerk.

12. Wont take responsibility for any of his choices and expects me to go about everything like it's a good or great thing for everybody. Im not a puppet. And if he still has some crazy idea that him doing this will make me feel like being part of him and his other side of the family, it will never happen. I told him plenty of times that I want nothing from them and nothing will make me change my mind. I will always love my child, but I will never make another like him again.

Darling I think you have lost a lot of perspective regarding your son and you need to take a step back. Remember he is a child, with a half-formed brain. Hes not a responsible adult with full power and understanding. And if hes trying to be nice to you today without dealing with the big issues: be nice to him and dont try to deal with the big issues. Deal with your issues in your own time, away from him. They are not his issues. They are not his problem.

12 yr olds are going through a lot of their own stuff. They have puberty, which takes maybe 70% of their concentration just coping with it - and they have a brain increase around then too that means they have lots of ideas they have to reshuffle into a new framework that they have to build. School gets hard and sports become tougher. Demands from everywhere increase markedly and all they want to do at home is eat, sleep and have things be normal. Try to remember what you wanted when you were 12. Remember? You just wanted things normal. You were tired. You got home from school, wanted food. You didn't want to be intruded upon by adults with their issues. You wanted to be left alone, but hugged, and fed. Not harangued and given heavy issues to have to deal with. You couldn't have dealt with them. You didn't have any control!

In short: kids have their own problems, that they are dealing with, and you cant expect them to accommodate yours as well. If you don't like the surname change - take that up with dad. It's nothing to do with your son, who has to go along with whatever is chosen by the person who has custody of him and who had better not have an opinion on it, because if he had one what could he do about it? Don't force him to have opinions and take sides.

Deal with issues you dislike adult to adult, with his father who has the care of him - and remember if you can't win this argument with dad, ask yourself how you would expect a child to. You're being unfair on your child thinking he can do something you, an adult, can't.

If you want to get out of this in one piece with a son still happy to call you mother, the best way about it that I have found (divorced myself) is to treat the child, when you have him, in the now. Just handle him in the now. Don't talk about relationships - he's not your girlfriend. Don't feel betrayed - he's not your boyfriend. Dont get intense. Its not appropriate with a 12 yr old son. Maybe when hes 25. But not now. Its not fair, he hasnt got a level playing field, and he cant protect himself from you.

I think now is a time for you to focus on you, resolve your own issues and get yourself back on your feet again. Its lucky hes living with Dad because it gives you this opportunity.

Your number one priority is to heal yourself, and you have been given a window of opportunity to do this. When youre healed you can sit down and analyse the situation, and make moral judgements. When you have separation from it, objectivity, and have gone through what has been holding you back. But now: stay away from it. You cannot get it right. You can only get it wrong because youre looking through a damaged lens.
xx

Bridgie, That is wonderful advice. Children don't ask to be in relationships. They are stuck wherever they are put, or created. They have no say so in anything. They are completely helpless and innocent, and dependent on us to look out for their best interest.

I'm sure he is feeling just as stressed as you are, if not more so. Children hide their feelings because they know they have no choice but to, most of the time, and can only endure whatever situation they are placed in.

If you don't overcome your anger, bitterness, and hurt towards your son, who is 100% innocent of any of the problems you may be suffering through, you may well end up without him in your life at all.

I'm sure you can repair the damage with him, no matter what anyone else tries to fill his mind with. If he feels like you love him and you're on his side, he'll never turn away from you forever. I truly believe that.

My BIL tried to poison my nephew against my sister and it almost killed her but my nephew soon realized who was in the wrong and now he has nothing to do with his dad. My sister did not blame my nephew. She just loved him while she cried on my shoulder.

I hope you can see your way to freeing your son of any and all responsibilities that are not his fault. Don't let you emotions get the best of you and you end up losing the most precious thing you've ever had, or will ever have. Best regards.

When i was 10 I was in the middle of my parents divorce. I was raised with both parents in my life only to have my world torn apart. I was the one who figured out that it was my mother who was having an affair while my dad was working to provide for her and my brothers and I. This was right before puberty started for me and after many years of being molested and bullying by family and classmates. So I know what my son is capable of. I put myself in his shoes frequently, which is how I knew what his choice was. I just didnt expect it to be this soon. My son doesn't want to go to school and doesnt want to listen to authority. Never has. And because Im the responsible action and consequences type parent, my son chose to go with the rule breaking listen to no one parent. My life has never been normal. I never had the chance. I always told my son that when he is 18, he can make whatever choice he wants. As a parent, not a friend, is it their responsibility to bring a child up to be able to stay out of trouble and be respectful as well as making smart choices. We are their security, nurturers, and teachers. Not show them that life is about doing whatever you want and getting away with it without expecting any recourse. That recourse just could end up killing a person if it goes too far.

After i had found out was pregnant with my son, his father left. I named my child alone. And its my son's family that doesn't want me in my son's life. For 12 years I have been battling not just my son's father, but his grandmother because my son's father refuses to handle this between just him and me. So after all of this fighting to keep custody of my son, I lose custody of him with the information that my son decided to make the choice willingly to go. Yes, it hurts me greatly because he also knew why I was going to court, what would happen and then told me that he wasn't allowed to tell me about it. Im not the one who's turning a 12 year child on to choose sides. A child needs both parents in their life at some point or another.

I don't know your situation so I can't comment on the reason he was removed from your custody, but it sounds like your mind is already made up and that you're going to place the blame, and your bitterness, on a 12 year boy instead of on the adults you've named.

That's your choice and no one but you can change the way you feel about your son. You seem to be the one suffering for your harsh opinions though, not him.

You have to live with your choices and if I was your son, I think I might have chosen my dad too. If you show your son the anger and bitterness you've shown for him here, is it any wonder he doesn't want to live with you?

You cannot guilt, or browbeat a person into being a martyr and sacrificing their happiness for someone who refuses to be happy. That is a child, not an adult. Just because you were a certain way at 10 is no reason he should be expected to be the same way.

Your problems are not his problems, or they shouldn't be. He shouldn't be questioned about his other family. He should be able to be a child. It doesn't seem like you allow him that.

If any one of my children had been taken away from me, I'd have done anything to keep them in my life. To this day I can say that there is nothing they could do that would ever cause me to stop loving them and wanting them around me. If I hurt them with my words or actions, I wouldn't expect them to want to be around me. I'm their mother.

All children really want is love and acceptance. I haven't really read much about how much you love him, only how much of a disappointment he is to you.

I hope you know HE can sense that, if a total stranger can.

You paint him as an awful child but you raised him, didn't you? Surely he wasn't born evil?

...Again, I truly wish you and your son the best. You are correct, children do need both parent's...love.

Im placing part of the blame for the fact that my son asked me to fight for him in getting him back in my custody when he really doesn't want to be in my care because I don't give him everything he wants. Just because he's a 12 year old does not mean he doesn't know what he is doing. Their are children out there choosing to have sex and running away from homes. Just because they are young does not make them innocent. I am not putting 100% of the blame on my child. Of course not. But any parent who raised their child one way only to find out that the child chose to lie and chose to ignore your upbringing would feel the same in not recognizing that little person they brought up. Times are different now and kids learn from their surroundings. I tried to protect him from all that. My whole family doesn't recognize my son because he is a completely different person from the one I raised. Yes, most of the blame is on his father and grandmother. But the thing is, if child is raised to believe they are innocent and can do no wrong because of their age, how much stuff do you think they will do and blame it on, "being young and innocent and didn't know what they were doing?" when they get into trouble. It's why there is so much killing, school trouble, pregnant teens, and every terrible thing going on now. I just never wanted my son to be part of that. I se him walking down a path a know all too well, but worse.

And you say you would anything to keep any one of your children in your life, but what if you found out that one of your children didn't like the way you did things and didnt want you in their life because they wanted to do their own thing and got what they wanted and you couldn't do a thing to change it. To know that child didn't care how you felt as long as they got what they wanted even if it meant hurting a parent. I did everything for my son except give him what he wanted. I do not spoil my child because it wouldn't be healthy for him either.