Yet another day when I was too anxious to go to work. I see a psychiatrist tomorrow for the first time in several years (my insurance doesn't cover) and I hope I can get something that will help. I take Tranxene, which usually makes it possible for me to work and has definitely made it possible for me to keep my job, but after a combination of circumstances this past winter it hasn't been enough. After my closest friend died in September I got very badly depressed and spent so many months trying to find psychiatric care that I came out of the depression before I could get an appointment with anyone. When my oldest and dearest friend died in February I was afraid I might become depressed again and maybe suicidal, but instead I've been doing weird things, like spending money in ways I shouldn't, and worrying constantly over my blood sugar (I'm a diabetic and while I was in the depression last fall my blood sugar levels shot up over 100 points and it's still high). And I haven't been able to do the things I need to, like clean house or do laundry. I realize I ended up anxious rather than depressed, or maybe both. Anyway, here's another day I didn't make it to work, and yet another thing (my employer's reaction) to worry about. I seriously want to crawl into a hole and cry, but I have a new landlady (nice but pushy) and I'm scared of her too, so being home is even scary because I don't know if she'll come by. I'm sorry to whine, but I just desperately needed to vent; I wish I had some way to make myself unconscious until some of the anxiety dissipates. I've even been scared to post for a while, but today I was desperate and I know people here are not usually judgmental. Thanks for listening to my ramble....
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