Betsy,

YES !!!!!! I'm SO glad you brought up this subject. Honestly, this has been my hardest thing to deal with are intrusive thoughts. (HENCE, why I am SO huge on the positive thinking & attitude)
I'll tell you my story and I apologize if it's a bit long. But you are NOT alone in this and it IS VERY COMMON with anxiety sufferers. PLEASE don't let this "bump" discourage you. Because we DO hit bumps in our recovery.
I've never really spoke much about this. So, this will be a place for me to do so and finally get it out in the open. My first round with anxiety, I would have terrible thoughts of hurting my daughter. I KNEW that I would never hurt her, but it scared the living shit outta me. And back then, they really didn't have meds to treat anxiety, is was all kind of new. Anyway, I just lived with those thoughts. I knew it was the anxiety, but it still scared me. Eventually, they went away....
SO, THIS round of anxiety that I got back in May. A guy I use to date (we were still great friends but I hadn't seem him in awhile) shot himself. He was at his home, and the girl he had been seeing was there with her newborn. Now, I don't know if the child was "his" or if he was dating her. Anyway, he started shooting at her and the baby (which they are ok, he didn't hit them) and then the cops came and he was shooting at all the cops. He eventually shot himself inside the house. For the life of me, I couldn't UNDERSTAND. He was 1 of THE MOST pleasant, smiling, good looking, outgoing people I had ever met. It REALLY bothered me. I mean REALLY bad. Then, the morning I had my 1st anxiety attack again, I was thinking about it. Then somehow, that turned into me thinking about my grandma who took her own life. (she had cancer most of her life and had just found out she had it again) I don't really remember much about her, I was 5 when it happened and didn't found out that's how she died until I was 16. So, from there I started thinking "what if I did something like that" What if, what if, WHAT IF ??? What if my son did something like what Lee (my friend) did ?????? Then BOOM, it happened ! MAJOR ANXIETY ATTACK ! PLUS, I had also started my 4th cup of coffee....LOL From there on, I was vomiting everyday, and was a complete nervous and emotional wreck. What if I die, and then my kids don't have their Mother ? What if I die and nobody remembers me ? WHAT if's !!! GR !
Anyway, from there it just got worse. I started having thoughts of hurting myself. We have lots of guns in the house (Kevin works in the gun manufacturing business) and I became SO afraid that "what if I hurt myself like Lee did" I didn't even want to be at home by myself there for awhile. I became a completely different person in a matter of 5 minutes !
The intrusive thoughts were my WORST symptom. I had a lot of the other ones, too. Pretty much all of them... lol I went and talked to a therapist and told her about it. She told me that obviously Lee had other things going on. I know he was drinking A LOT and started getting into harder drinking. Like I said, I hadsn't seen him for awhile, so there could be a lot more to what was going on with him that what I'm aware of.
From there, I began my journey. My thinking was NOT healthy. It was negative, and I would later learn, that my thinking had not been healthy for a VERY long time. I did lots of research (especially with postive thinking and anxiety) AND take comfort in knowing that 98% of what we "think" is going to happen NEVER does. That plays in with thinking in the future, instead of living in the moment. We're NOT mind readers. It's not all about us. Why carry the weight of the world on our shoulders ? When you have intrusive thoughts, and they scare you & disturb you, it's because you ARE afraid of those thoughts. THAT'S WHAT ANXIETY feeds off of. NEGATIVE. If you enjoyed those thoughts, then that would be completely different and you would need to contact someone RIGHT AWAY. Anxiety is FEAR. Intrusive thoughts ARE fearful. That's what anxiety does is INTRUDES OUR THOUGHTS and then, we get emotional & physical symptoms BECAUSE of the way we are letting those thoughts make us feel. They make us feel horrible, and they affect our emotions. We worry, dwell, wallow, absorb any negative we can grasp. It takes our self esteem and confidence to 0, if not below that.
We've now lost belief in ourselves. How could I think such horrible things ? That must mean I'm a horrible person ! That must mean I'm not deserving to be happy, nor should I even respect myself for having such horrible thoughts and feelings towards myself and others. On and on and on.....
Anxiety is NOTHING but worrying about what will never be. What has happened in the past, is IN THE PAST. What is going to happen in the future, NOBODY knows. Just because a thought comes into our mind doesn't make that the future. That's silly to even think that. But with anxiety, we can easily MAKE IT seem so real. And it's SO not. It's irrational thinking because we are mentally and emotionally tired. Until we can start getting much needed rest (because our minds are constantly what if, what if, what if) and start taking control and turning to positive things to get our BELIEF back in ourselves, the anxiety will stay as it is.

Everyone here knows how afraid I am of bridges. Do you know what my thought process is of this ? "WHAT IF I freak out and have an anxiety attack, open the car door and jump off the bridge ?" Now SERIOUSLY, WHY would I do that ? WHY would I think that ? Of course I'm not going to do that, I know myself better than that. It's the horrible anxiety making me think "I'm going to lose control". I know this, but this has been my biggest challenge. I can go over certain bridges now, as long as someone else is driving and they stay on the inside lane...lol Makes a lot of sense,doesn't it ?

You are NOT alone Betsy ! This is VERY common with anxiety. And, if people in the group are willing to admit it, I'll bet you see TONS of replies to this. I could be wrong, but I know this symptom is high up on the anxiety scale.

Hope this helps and thanks for letting me ramble. It felt good to finally get that off my chest :)

Big hugs!
LeAnne

These really bugged me when I was much younger - as a teenager, I had no concept of distancing from them, or sharing them... just lived with them, and I'm glad they didn't get worse then.

I'm with Scorpio on the bridges thing - although a commute to work on a three-miler worked that one out. Others: garbage disposals, and motorcycles.

When I was married, I had to quell the fear of 'just letting go' when I was on the back of the Harley. Just letting go and flying off! I did a lot of diving in the east china sea? and had to quell the fear of sea snakes.

I love diving, and loved the back of that Harley ---> much easier to get past it with huge payoffs of pleasure. I can see it now for what it is: mind static. But still... hard. I avoid a lot of media for this reason i.e. sensationalized news, gorey/scarey movies/tv. It's just not worth the aftertaste (in my thought life.)

Yep... me too. I have crazy thoughts as well. Stupid what-if scenarios. I'll dig around in a book that I'm reading and post some comments on this. I forget how the books helps to describe some of this. Anyways... just remember they are only thoughts. We DON'T have to act on them. I'm trying to work on observing my thoughts more often during the few times I remember to meditate (usually when I'm going to sleep). By simply observing our thoughts we realize how silly they can be and they usually disappear fairly quickly. They are so fleeting! Observe how SILLY they can be.

You're NOT alone!! :) its perfectly normal.

"i.e. sensationalized news, gorey/scarey movies/tv. It's just not worth the aftertaste (in my thought life.)"

GOOD Point!!! I think this contributes a lot to our thoughts... We are bombarded by it all the time on the news. No wonder we worry so much! :)

AMEN on the movies, news etc....

WHY would we want to watch things that make us feel "bad" ? I mean, I use to watch all kinds of that stuff. But now, looking back, why do we allow ourselves to keep putting ourselves in situations that make us feel bad ? I don't want to watch shows that are disturbing. I don't want to listen to bad "news". I'm not going to thrive on feeling bad, even though at the time, I didn't know it was making me feel bad, but it was. Negative, Negative, Negative. Why not make everything POSITIVE ? Positive shows, Positive friends, Positive attitude, Positive thinking ? Because in return, eventually all will BE positive.

OMG Star, I have that same thing with motorcycles. What if I just let go ? I've lost all interest in motorcycles since I've lost so many friends due to accidents on them. They're just not something I care to be on. And Kevin wants to get another Harley. I told him I'll not ride with him. It's not that I don't trust him, I don't trust other drivers.

LeAnne,

I am crying...good cry of relief! Thanks. It is so embarrassing and scary. Everything you said is how I feel. You wrote it so well.

When I had the setback in May it was at our condo on the beach (6th Floor). I used to clean condos on the beach when I was young. I used to tell myself, "One day I will own one of these!" 28 years later my dream came true. I float in the water and look back at my unit and thank God for the blessing and think about how much I love it!

Then, in November when I had the vision of me heading (flying like superman) toward the balcony it freaked me out.

I won't go back until May since we rent it to pay the mortgage. But, I feel so angry that my mind is messing up my dream and a place that was supposed to be my place of peace. I want to be able to go there by myself for a couple weeks at a time and now I wonder if that thought will creep back in and ruin it for me.

Thanks so much! Betsy

Thanks, Betsy

Great point, sixty ! That has been 1 of my successes is ACKNOWLEDGING the thoughts and not fighting them. I consciously confront them instead of fighting them. I say "ok, you're here, that's fear I'm thinking about" then I proceed to throw it in my visual garbage can...LMAO It's worked for me.
And writing them down. The TEA method is a VERY good way to deal with intrusive thoughts. I'll try and post that tonight if I get the chance. REALLY REALLY good for completely diminishing them for good. But it's something you have to do FAITHFULLY for up to 3 months, everytime you have a "neagtive thought".

I wanna hear the TEA method. I'll check back tonight.

It seems that the common denominator is that we are afraid of being out of control...if only for a moment. In that moment something happens that kills us or ruins our life or our loved ones lives.

Aw Betsy, you'll get there :) You were anxious that day. That thought probably bothered you like it did because you were excited about the condo ! In reality, looking at it, think about it. Superman ? You are NOT going to jump off that balcony like Superman. SUPERMAN CAN fly. You can't.... lol It IS embarrassing, and you know, I've never told ANYBODY about my thoughts except for you all here and that therapist the 1 time. However, let's try not to judge ourselves like we are some sort of freaks for having these thoughts. EVERYONE has crazy and weird thoughts. EVERYONE ! Those of us who are sensitized with anxiety take those negative thoughts and run with them. Where as people without anxiety, don't. They laugh at them or ignore them. We're sensitized is all. Gaining our confidence and self esteem back will take away ALL doubt about ourselves and make us realize (like I have except for the dam nbridge thing...lol) that WE BELIEVE in ourselves again. I can remember when I got better from the anxiety the first time around, I would look back and think " what the hell was I thinking letting those kinds of thoughts take over me ", really it's just ridiculous. But, unless we learn HOW to deal with them (which I didn't at that time) they'll come back.
Eventually, they just went away, I'd say it was at least 2 years later. Because I didn't have any techniques, they tried all kinds of different meds on me (NONE that are on the market these days) and at 1 time, I was on 7 different meds. It was ridiculous. I finally just took myself off all of them and lived with it. I can even remember there were points where I'd be walking and black out for 3-5 seconds. Those meds were wicked and I don't know what they were but they were'nt GOOD for me... lol It was horrible, but I MADE IT THROUGH.
This time, I have the help of all these different techniques, some meds and the power to choose to make myself better :)
You are FINE Betsy, I promise you that. Things will only get better. And like I said, bumps like last night do happen. Accept it, and keep onward. This is NOT a losing battle, it's WIN/WIN :):) And the cup is ALWAYS 1/2 full !

Yep Betsy, you got it exactly right ! Fear of losing control, if even for a moment. Notice the big word here ?

FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR ! Which = ANXIETY !

Love ya to bits Betsy !

Thanks so much.

oh i thank you all for speaking about this one as it is a major part of my anxiety the racing thoughts and what ifs, my biggest fear is losing it and hurting my children (even though i know i would never hurt my children they are my life !!) i think to myself yes but what if i lost it big time and did it without knowing it ?? then i get so scared and the anxiety is so bad because it scares me so much . i have also hidden knifes before or even thrown all the big ones away because i was scared that i would use one on my husband who i love dearly (sometimes) ha ha but then had to go and buy another one because i could not cut the vegtables !! also the new one i get now is because im pregnant with my third child, i worry that i wont love him like i do the other two boys and im also dreading giving birth even though i have done it twice!! and then my sister told me this story about this lady she knew who had to be sectioned because she tried to stab herself in the stomach to kill her baby !! oh my god that was it i convinced myself that was going to happen to me which i know is not going to happen but again its the what ifs !! but a good doctor said something to me once that i try to think of alot he said "look if you were truly losing the plot or going mad you would not be worrying about it, you would not know it and would not care about it " which i do belive to be true, but those thoughts are so scarey some times and are what i find hardest to deal with it seems the anxiety finds the thing you fear the most and goes over and over it time and time again .

Carly wrote : The Dr. said : "look if you were truly losing the plot or going mad you would not be worrying about it, you would not know it and would not care about it "

This is EXACTLY correct. Everyone who has this symptom PLEASE take comfort in knowing the above statement. This IS the truth. I know when the thoughts come, it's scary and it's hard to understand why we're having them. They can REALLY take a grip on us. HOWEVER, they are just thoughts, we are NOT going to act upon them. We feed them with continuing to be nagative and "what if's" . You must turn the "what if's" around. Be diligent with it, all day long if you have to. That's what I did. "What if I use this knife for vegatables and they turn out YUMMY" or something along those lines. Make the "what if" a POSITIVE instead of a negative.
Another, POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS are HUGE ! Use these all day long. From the time you get up, until you go to sleep at night. Look up examples on the internet and use ones that would apply to you. IE :

* I FEEL VERY POSITIVE AND CONFIDENT

* I DISPOSE OF NEGATIVES

* I AM A LOVING, WONDERFUL, CARING PERSON INSIDE AND OUT

Those are some of the ones I used. Sometimes, I still ahve to use them, but not nearly as much as I did in the beginning. Hell, I argued with myself while saying them for about a week...lol Then they stared to kick in and work.

You're going to be JUST fine Carly. And so is that beautiful little boy growing inside you :):)

What a learning experience this has been---I had 'intrusive' thoughts for years and thought it was just me and i was just thinking horrible thoughts and i must be loosing my mind.
Back when i was pregnant with my son i remember having thoughts of him dying or that i was going to do something to make it happen---i would try to so hard to get the thoughts out of my mind by thinking of the Dr's appt. when the Dr. said me and the baby were doing great but NOTHING would stop me from thinking those terrible thoughts. I literally started being a germaphobe i washed everything to death and then when he was born and all healthy i was so happy---but i was even worse with the 'germ thing'---i couldnt sleep at night because i was afraid something would happen to him ---i really thought i was going nuts then cuz those of us that have anxiety issues definitely have to have our sleep. I eventually got better----But i tell ya lot s of other things have happened like this through out the years, i could probably write a novel...lol


I wish you all much peacefulness---I know i have found alot more inner peace just being about to talk about these issues and listening to others that have the same symptoms---

Big Hugz,Kim:)