Hey all, I’m new to the group.. 

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about six months now. Everything was truly amazing. We became close very quickly. Most people would say we rushed into things, but it felt so right. Everything came so natural to us. I always wanted to date someone who felt like my best friend. That was him..

Eventually, like every other relationship, certain things began to change. Those details are unimportant for this column, but our relationship hit a rough patch. One thing that I will say about our relationship is that when we disagree or argue, it doesn’t last long. In the last six months, there have never been a night that we were away from each other or created space because we were upset. We worked things out quickly, but that doesn’t take away the things he does when he’s mad..

I am not a professional in any way, but I believe 110% that he has anger issues. Sometimes he  loses control. It’s been gradually getting worse, and as much as I didn’t want to come to grips with reality, I knew deep down that the other night would happen..

Without making this a long, drawn out post, this is pretty much my boyfriend’s behavior in a nutshell...

Whenever we have a “fight”, he loses control. He has thrown/broken things. Punches the walls, stomps around aggressively, etc. I sit there calmly while he acts out. I will admit, there have been times where I have laughed or been sarcastic because I see no reason for him to behave that way towards me, especially when the things we have argued about have been, IMHO, minuscule. Within those six months, he never put his hands on me. But I knew in my heart that one day he would..

Last week, we were arguing (details not important, but it was something small). We argued, he broke things, and then I packed my stuff. He wouldn’t let me leave. He took the doorknob off, blocked me, kept taking my stuff out of my hands, etc. When I went to run downstairs, he grabbed me and tried to restrain me. When I yelled and fought back he went to grab me and I almost fell down the stairs. He ended up pushing me and I fell to the floor. The second he saw me hurt he broke down and freaked out, yelling at himself and apologizing, etc. He was visibly distraught. That night I told him it could never happen again.. But I didn’t believe it wouldn’t be the last time..

The other night, we argued because I got “distracted” while trying to tell him a story on our way home. I had anxiety and couldn’t focus so when he got irritated and told me to finish, I gave him an attitude. That is what started the fight.. 

I woke up yesterday with horrible bruising on the inside of my arms. My stomach is sore. My heart hurts..

The fight went the way it normally does. He started stomping around and yelling/breaking things. I go to pack my stuff. He rips things out my hands, telling me I’m not leaving. He hides the doorknob and my phone. As I’m arguing with him, telling him it’s over, he yells back that it’s not over because he said it’s not over. Tells me I’m not leaving. Says he’ll follow me. Every time I go to run out of the room he restrains me. This time he took it further.. He picked me up and body slammed me on the bed. After that I lost my mind, screaming, crying, fighting. I was completely triggered from past sexual abuse. So I began to hit myself and threaten to slit my wrists hoping he would get scared and maybe stop? Idk what I was thinking.. Anyways, he ran up to me and put his hands on my throat and choked me. Immediately after, he put his hands on his head and became upset, crying that he didn't know why he did that and he hates himself and blah blah. I stood in the corner hysterically crying and shaking.. 

He wouldn’t let me leave the house, claiming that he was too scared to let me go in this state of mind..

Eventually things calmed down and he told me that he wants to go to counseling for anger management. We talked about abusive behavior and he said for a very long time he never saw that behavior as abusive. He thought abuse was just physical, like hitting and punching. Once he sees my reaction, when he sees that he hurt me or when I break down crying, he breaks down. He says that he hates himself and doesn’t want things to end. I just want this behavior to end...

I feel so torn.. I’m not in denial. I understand that his behavior is abusive. I understand that he loses control. I don’t blame myself. This is not my fault. I’m not going to change the way I react to “prevent” him from losing control. I am working on my sarcasm because I know it isn’t pleasant, but that’s how I defend myself I guess?

He is serious about treatment. I know that he has gone through a LOT in his life, things that would make anyone angry. He is not in a good place financially, we have been through a lot lately and he has been really unsuccessful with looking for work. Still, that doesn’t and will never excuse his behavior. I know that everyone before me has given up on him or wouldn’t take the chance to understand WHY he gets to the point he does.. It’s all he really knows.. 

Listen, I love this man. He is extremely gentle and loving most of the time. He is very affectionate and kind. He will literally give me the shirt off of his back. He is loyal to a fault and takes care of me. He is very protective of me and has literally stepped in front of me and held me behind him in a dangerous situation. He has been my rock since the beginning and supports me in everything I do. He is a good person, amazing person and has the potential to be my dream husband/father. I don’t want to leave him. When he saw the marks on my body, it was clear he was full of regret. I told him this can never happen again.. We both need to work on things, not just him.

I really would love some advice from people who have been in my shoes. I know most abusive partners start where he is at now. Is there anyone out there whose partner actually got treatment and changed their life for the better? Am I in denial? Should I just wait for treatment and go from there? I know it takes two to tango and there are ways I react that I need to change. I love him. The second I came to that conclusion, his problems became my problems. We are in this together, and I want to do my part in helping him. Everyone else has walked out on him, rather than sticking it out and working through their problems. 

There are SO many things in his past, his childhood, that have influenced his current behavior. He has lived his life thinking that certain ways of reacting is “normal”. He really is an amazing person and despite the chaos of the last two weeks, I know that he loves me. 

I just want to fix things, and I know that will not be all sunshine and rainbows. It’s going to be a long road, but in this moment I truly believe 100% that he is worth it. 

Can anyone relate?

-A