The Saturday after Thanksgiving my wife and I got in an argument.  It was a stupid argument about putting a new strand of lights on the tree.  I couldn't figure out how to do it and she said it was simple and I just needed to figure it out.  I was getting frustrated and we continued to make some snarky comments back and forth.  I said something hurtful about her Autism and she got up to walk away.  As she was walking by I pushed her and told her not to walk away from me.  She fell down and I continued to yell at her as she was laying on the ground.  She is pregnant with our 5th child.  We continued arguing as she went upstairs and I followed her to our room.  She told me to leave and at this point the kids were awake.  Initially, I didn't leave and the kids were begging me to stay.  I ended up leaving and have been staying with a friend the last two weeks.  

I get to see my kids every day because my wife is a full time nursing student and we have never wanted to do daycare.  I have never been an angry person and even though we have had arguments, I have never laid a finger on my wife.  When we talk she says she doesn't know what to do and that half of her wants me back and the other half just wants it all to be over.  I miss her and my family even though I see them every day.  I have already started seeing a counselor at work and outside of work for anger management issues.  I have wanted to keep fighting for my marriage and my family and last night I just felt defeated.  I feel like even if I am getting help for issues it wont change the fact that she now sees me as a monster.  That after I pushed her the only image she will ever have of me again is towering over her yelling.  I've tried to stay optimistic but I she has indicated she is not ready and does not want to go to counseling with me.  Is my marriage over?  Do I keep fighting?  I don't know what to do anymore.