I'm not sure if this belongs here. Most likely. I just need to write it out.
I lost my shit at my kids today and I feel horrible. I'm a single dad and my kids are 7 & 9 and I have them 50%.
I have historically had a bad temper. Slow to get there, but when I do it can be like BANG. I have been working really hard on being mindful of how I'm feeling and talking to my kids rather than just going straight to anger and aggression. It's been good and I think I've been doing great.
This morning, before I even got out of bed my kids woke me up 4 times before my alarm went off. When I don't get enough sleep I become a complete asshole. They wake up at around 6am which is an hour before my alarm. When they wake up, I usually hear them and close my door, no biggie. This morning my oldest wakes me up and asked me if I had wrapped a gift that he wants to give to a school friend, no biggie. Next my youngest came in just as I fell back to sleep to ask if he could sleep in my bed this coming weekend when they're here next, also no biggie, but I was starting to feel frustrated and asked if we could talk about it when I got out of bed.
Next, about 15 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my youngest came in again and wanted to ask me a question and I lost my shit on him. This isn't the first time that I have lost my shit when they wouldn't stop waking me up. I feel horrible, I literally screamed at him and he started bawling (who wouldn't). After I got up and lectured them on not waking me up so often in the morning before my alarm.
At this point I was way too worked up to go back to sleep, so I stayed up, had a shower, cooled off and then apologised to both of them for how angry I got and how wrong and inappropriate it was.
I've been under a lot of stress lately. I'm trying to quit smoking and I'm on day 3 of not smoking, I haven't had a lot of sleep over the last few nights, and last week I lost a work contract that was my main income.
I think the most frustrating part is I've been doing really great at keeping my cool and then this happens. I feel like I don't deserve my kids and that they would be better off without me.
I'm really feeling shitty these days and I'm not sure how to handle it. I know I should talk to someone, but cost to see a therapist is very expensive.
Anyway, I just needed to get it out there.
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