I'm not sure if this belongs here. Most likely. I just need to write it out.
I lost my shit at my kids today and I feel horrible. I'm a single dad and my kids are 7 & 9 and I have them 50%.
I have historically had a bad temper. Slow to get there, but when I do it can be like BANG. I have been working really hard on being mindful of how I'm feeling and talking to my kids rather than just going straight to anger and aggression. It's been good and I think I've been doing great.
This morning, before I even got out of bed my kids woke me up 4 times before my alarm went off. When I don't get enough sleep I become a complete asshole. They wake up at around 6am which is an hour before my alarm. When they wake up, I usually hear them and close my door, no biggie. This morning my oldest wakes me up and asked me if I had wrapped a gift that he wants to give to a school friend, no biggie. Next my youngest came in just as I fell back to sleep to ask if he could sleep in my bed this coming weekend when they're here next, also no biggie, but I was starting to feel frustrated and asked if we could talk about it when I got out of bed.
Next, about 15 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my youngest came in again and wanted to ask me a question and I lost my shit on him. This isn't the first time that I have lost my shit when they wouldn't stop waking me up. I feel horrible, I literally screamed at him and he started bawling (who wouldn't). After I got up and lectured them on not waking me up so often in the morning before my alarm.
At this point I was way too worked up to go back to sleep, so I stayed up, had a shower, cooled off and then apologised to both of them for how angry I got and how wrong and inappropriate it was.
I've been under a lot of stress lately. I'm trying to quit smoking and I'm on day 3 of not smoking, I haven't had a lot of sleep over the last few nights, and last week I lost a work contract that was my main income.
I think the most frustrating part is I've been doing really great at keeping my cool and then this happens. I feel like I don't deserve my kids and that they would be better off without me.
I'm really feeling shitty these days and I'm not sure how to handle it. I know I should talk to someone, but cost to see a therapist is very expensive.
Anyway, I just needed to get it out there.
I feel like this week has been so.. Blah. Don't feel like talking to my boyfriend (we usually fight anyways about nothing).Don't feel like going to work.Also don't feel like staying home.Feeling emotionless and powerless, wanting to do something exciting and fun, but knowing there is nothing I find exciting or fun anymore.Anyone else been having a rough week?
Has anyone ever felt that they weren’t “entitled” to their feelings? Often, when I’m having a conversation with someone and they say something in a negative way I get upset and think to myself that I have no right to feel this way. Sometimes I repeat a conversation in my head so much that I get it twisted up in a mess and than I start feeling like their either upset with me or just being...