I'm not sure if this belongs here. Most likely. I just need to write it out.
I lost my shit at my kids today and I feel horrible. I'm a single dad and my kids are 7 & 9 and I have them 50%.
I have historically had a bad temper. Slow to get there, but when I do it can be like BANG. I have been working really hard on being mindful of how I'm feeling and talking to my kids rather than just going straight to anger and aggression. It's been good and I think I've been doing great.
This morning, before I even got out of bed my kids woke me up 4 times before my alarm went off. When I don't get enough sleep I become a complete asshole. They wake up at around 6am which is an hour before my alarm. When they wake up, I usually hear them and close my door, no biggie. This morning my oldest wakes me up and asked me if I had wrapped a gift that he wants to give to a school friend, no biggie. Next my youngest came in just as I fell back to sleep to ask if he could sleep in my bed this coming weekend when they're here next, also no biggie, but I was starting to feel frustrated and asked if we could talk about it when I got out of bed.
Next, about 15 minutes before my alarm was set to go off, my youngest came in again and wanted to ask me a question and I lost my shit on him. This isn't the first time that I have lost my shit when they wouldn't stop waking me up. I feel horrible, I literally screamed at him and he started bawling (who wouldn't). After I got up and lectured them on not waking me up so often in the morning before my alarm.
At this point I was way too worked up to go back to sleep, so I stayed up, had a shower, cooled off and then apologised to both of them for how angry I got and how wrong and inappropriate it was.
I've been under a lot of stress lately. I'm trying to quit smoking and I'm on day 3 of not smoking, I haven't had a lot of sleep over the last few nights, and last week I lost a work contract that was my main income.
I think the most frustrating part is I've been doing really great at keeping my cool and then this happens. I feel like I don't deserve my kids and that they would be better off without me.
I'm really feeling shitty these days and I'm not sure how to handle it. I know I should talk to someone, but cost to see a therapist is very expensive.
Anyway, I just needed to get it out there.
About six weeks go, my wife told my child and me that she had fallen for another man and that she was leaving home to be with him. I am not going to go into all of the details - I spent enough time the other day writing everything down in another post. Suffice it to say, this other man is also married, and is supposedly leaving his wife and family to be with my wife.Yesterday, my wife told me...
I woke up hating today. I woke up and cried over today being a day. I never feel this bad until the end of a day. I don’t have good distractions anymore. I’m a mess. Everything is a mess.