Anger Management Support Group
Anger management commonly refers to therapeutic techniques by which someone with excessive or uncontrollable anger can control or reduce their emotions. Typical examples include the use of deep breathing and meditation as a means to relaxation. Psychologists recommend a balanced approach, which both controls the emotion and allows it to express itself in a healthy way.
I come from a very emotionally abusive past. Explosive anger on the part of both my parents to lesser and greater degrees. Lots of emotional and physical abuse coupled with almost complete disregard/neglect.
I'm beginning to think I don't have a good threshhold or idea for what 'appropriate' anger looks like, and I feel very often like no matter how I express feelings of upset or hurt, people tell me that it's inappropriate.
I am very careful not to raise my voice, I try very hard to react to things calmly and in the moment, I use a "i feel," statements a lot, to avoid putting the blame on other people, and I try to take ownership for my feelings/responsibility in any given situation. I have found that if I withhold reactions until I feel more calm and have had time to "process" my feelings, and then try to approach the person, that people will often react as if I have been withholding this information and shame/disparage me for not saying I was upset sooner, or react as if I am being resentful when really I was just trying to make sure I knew what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it and wanted to be sure that I wasn't just being reactive.
But I really am starting to feel like if I am expressing anger or if I am calling out someone else's inappropriate behavior, they are always going to tell me that how I said it was wrong, or that I didn't have any right to say it, or that I don't have any right to feel it, or, in the case of more close relationships, that my anger is pathological (this comes up pretty much only when people know about the history with my parents, or if they know I have expressed previous concern about how I express my feelings).
So pretty much the people I end up feeling hurt by are also like, using information against me to make me feel worse. It makes me feel really, really bad.
It is also making me feel incredibly isolated, like I can't trust anyone, and like I can't talk to people because later they might use information that I am very sensitive about to "get back at me," if we get into an argument. I know that this may have something to do with the particular individuals, but the effect is the same in terms of consequences for the rest of my life. I don't want to share information with people any more. I don't want to get close to people for fear they will use this type of information against me.
Basically I want to know: how am I supposed to express myself when I am upset? If I already don't yell or react physically, if I'm already try to take a step back, or consult with another person I do trust before I react to things, like, what else am I supposed to be doing? Because people keep saying that my tone is appropriate, my tone is problematic, or my delivery is too emotional-- but if I'm angry then my tone is going to be angry, it's going to be emotional? I can't like, remove my feelings from situations in which they have been hurt, and I just don't understand how to feel honored when I express that when these are the reactions I get.
I'm beginning to think I don't have a good threshhold or idea for what 'appropriate' anger looks like, and I feel very often like no matter how I express feelings of upset or hurt, people tell me that it's inappropriate.
I am very careful not to raise my voice, I try very hard to react to things calmly and in the moment, I use a "i feel," statements a lot, to avoid putting the blame on other people, and I try to take ownership for my feelings/responsibility in any given situation. I have found that if I withhold reactions until I feel more calm and have had time to "process" my feelings, and then try to approach the person, that people will often react as if I have been withholding this information and shame/disparage me for not saying I was upset sooner, or react as if I am being resentful when really I was just trying to make sure I knew what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it and wanted to be sure that I wasn't just being reactive.
But I really am starting to feel like if I am expressing anger or if I am calling out someone else's inappropriate behavior, they are always going to tell me that how I said it was wrong, or that I didn't have any right to say it, or that I don't have any right to feel it, or, in the case of more close relationships, that my anger is pathological (this comes up pretty much only when people know about the history with my parents, or if they know I have expressed previous concern about how I express my feelings).
So pretty much the people I end up feeling hurt by are also like, using information against me to make me feel worse. It makes me feel really, really bad.
It is also making me feel incredibly isolated, like I can't trust anyone, and like I can't talk to people because later they might use information that I am very sensitive about to "get back at me," if we get into an argument. I know that this may have something to do with the particular individuals, but the effect is the same in terms of consequences for the rest of my life. I don't want to share information with people any more. I don't want to get close to people for fear they will use this type of information against me.
Basically I want to know: how am I supposed to express myself when I am upset? If I already don't yell or react physically, if I'm already try to take a step back, or consult with another person I do trust before I react to things, like, what else am I supposed to be doing? Because people keep saying that my tone is appropriate, my tone is problematic, or my delivery is too emotional-- but if I'm angry then my tone is going to be angry, it's going to be emotional? I can't like, remove my feelings from situations in which they have been hurt, and I just don't understand how to feel honored when I express that when these are the reactions I get.
I'm sorry for what you are having to go through. To sum up, here are my thoughts:
I feel your reactions are fine. You seem to have a clear understanding for how to express yourself when you are angry. So in that respect, I don't feel you need to change anything.
As far as these 'individuals' are concerned, I agree that they are using your past against you and/or are deflecting any culpability back onto you. To me these are not the kind of people you want in your life. Real friends will care about your feelings and will try not to hurt you...something I learned the hard way. One thing you could do is ask specifically what, in their mind, is the 'right' way to react when you are angry, or better yet, tell them that their response to your anger is unacceptable.
Again in regards to these 'individuals', do you think that you are inadvertently attracting seedy people into your life. I say this because that is what happened to me. The reason I think is because I got so accustomed to being bullied that I could not tell what was acceptable and what was not. I also came from a dysfunctional background (both my parents drank a lot) and I think this may have had something to do with it all.
Finally, I would definitely not share anything about your past with anyone as it is none of their business. While meeting new people is a good thing, I would just ensure you have a good filter so that you can identify those with undesirable character traits such as not respecting your feelings and keep those people at bay.
I have benefited a great deal from Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), and am looking into EMDR (I forgot what the letters represent). On the mornings I wake angry, I journal. I spend at least a good 15 minutes writing out the who, what, where, how and why. That helps me shape the rest of the day. It doesn't mean I have a happier day, but it can lead to me having a better day - one where I put in other activities which help me deal with my anger. Drive with the windows and radio up and yell. There isn't anything wrong with yelling when you are by yourself. I had a punching bag for a while (very inexpensive if you check the local sporting goods store) and would make it a routine to work out with it for 15 to 20 minutes. It is exercise.
You have to do what is healthy and correct for you.