Continue with the divorce...I would...you don't deserve to be abused and if he doesn't want to get help to help himself...you don't have to live miserably...life is too short.

Its not going to get better without him getting help.

I know I make it sound easy...and I know it is NOT easy....I DID it after 22 years...then I did it again after a 6 year relationship..

Life always had gotten better when I did it...each time....

He did agree to get counseling. I found a male counselor for him on my insurance. He's going to call him next week, and I will have to tell him to expect a call! Hope he doesn't flip out. This will be the first time he will seek counseling by himself, but I think a male figure could make a difference and he would respect a male opionion, rather than a female.

I hope the counseling for both of you begins to make a difference.
After 28 years..(after 22 or 25 for me)...

.I realized how conditioned and brainwashed I was to my X's treatment.
I realized how much he controlled me and my emotions.
I realized it wasn't normal but didn't have the tools to help myself.
I realized I had kept making excuses for him because I was afraid of life without him regardless of how bad life with him was
I realized it was abuse.
I realized I deserved happiness.
I realized I had to break free

I did...and I still have bad thoughts about myself....I still feel like I did something wrong by leaving him (this is not rational)...he hit me...slept with my sister...and hit me and belittled me in front of my children.

After that many years...I became brainwashed and still after 10 years of separation his brainwashing of me pops in.

ps...I'm trying to say....just because it has been 28 years...does not mean you have to continue to suffer....and continue to be controlled and brainwashed.

I kept thinking ....22 years....I shouldn't give up.
Giving up was the best thing for me.

Missy, you've been through a lot. You had the courage to go on without him. I am very afraid to live life by myself. That's a huge part of this. and I don't want to be lonely. My kids are in college now, and I've felt more alone than ever wtihout them, and growing further and further apart from my husband. I used to say to myself, if I could support myself, I'd leave in a heartbeat. Well, I can now! Now that's replaced with, "if I had a huge support system, with lots of friends" I'd leave in a heartbeat! But I don't have many friends that I can confide in, like maybe 1, but I can talk to my sister and younger brother. Thats it. I'ts really depressing.

This life is about YOU...we die alone.

Your more lonely now...living with secrets..from those that surround you that you are really unhappy in your marriage and that you are being emotionally abused.

Emotionally abused to the point that you don't think you can live without him.

When I first asked my X to leave..I was scared too....I couldn't even change a freaking lightbulb..never mind cut the grass, pick up leaves...cook.

I learned and then I became empowered..then I met someone else for a brief period...realized it was a fall back relationship...broke up....went on a dating site.

There are also meet up groups in your area...for people that are lonely to go on hikes, picnics, kyaks...all kinds of things done with both sexes...you would meet new friends.

I will ask you the question that stuck with me for a long time before I finally got the courage to be alone.....Someone asked me:

Do you want to be sitting in a rocking chair....thinking about how your life had gone by and you stayed in an unhealthy, abusive relationship? They said ...because that is what you will be doing if you stay with this man.

Its the truth...any life is better than what you are living now :(

Missy, thanks, you are very wise. It's funny how my mind will play tricks on me. When things are going ok...I have to tell myself that I need to be strong and just wait, he will get impatient and be a jerk to reinforce that I'm going to be strong and continue trusting my gut. Don't rock the boat.... but then just now, he's getting impatient as my daughter and I are trying to change a college orientation date.....impatience... treating both of us like we are not smart enough to figure this out, and how inconvienced he is by finding it. Uggg. It won't go away. It has driven up an emotional and now physical wall. I can't even imagine making love anymore.

viagirl, I just join today and I am no expert but I would like to say that I deeply feel for you. You see I have a similar situation. I have been neglecting and having angry outburst to my wife for a few years now. She so does not and did not deserve it. She has recently left me and my world has fallen apart... NOW I realize what I have done. I can't speak for your husband... but I wish my wife would have told me that it was as bad as it was and that she would be gone if I didn't do something.

The problem is, I prob. would not of listened! Now that she has left it has all become so very clear. I am now in an anger management class and working on getting me right.

Bless you and I hope all works for the best for you!

michaelsk, thanks for your reply. My husband did agree to go get counseling so that was a big step. I think I have to be patient now and just give it some time, although hard when I see his frustrations build up with so many things in his life especially his job.
I don't think I can forgive him until he actually realizes he has an anger problem and it's effect on others. Right now, he still thinks it's my problem, and I'm oversensitive and overpersonalized everything. He wants me to admit I play a part in this, which I clearly am not mean to people like he can be. So, I just say I'm going to counseling to work on myself also..
At least now you can see and admit you have an anger problem but unfortunately it took your wife to leave. Were you physically abusive or verbally or both?

viagirl....I'm sorry :(
But you sound just like me throughout the 22 years of abuse..
Well....now he is going to do this....so maybe it will get better.

Ya know what...my X didn't go to counseling so I have NO experience with that and MAYBE it will get better if he does this counseling on a constant basis and you start to see changes.

If not....you with YOUR counselor should start to prepare yourself to have the life that YOU deserve. You will be OK and you will be better than OK. You are not OK right now. You are not happy...you are walking on eggshells...Your only with him because your afraid to be alone.

He is attacking your self esteem and I'm glad your daughter is moving away from it. Imagine...she is doing it...she is leaving the security (or what she thinks is security) of her own home. You have to think if she is strong enough to move on you can be too.

When I left my X - I had no idea my children felt the way they did. I thought the WHOLE time I would be hurting THEM if I left...I felt the whole time they wanted a mother and a father in the same house.

One of the first things my oldest said to me was "Ma, you should have done this a long time ago" and that "we all would have been happier". My son LOVES his father....but it was so crystal clear to him I guess...that his father and I did not belong together as long as we were together.

Now, if I talk to his father (whom my son sees almost everyday)....my son says to me "Why do you still talk to him?" he was so mean to you. WHY? Because I was brainwashed for all those years and like you say...he was the only family I had (good or bad). But, my life and my stress level is better or has been better (right now is not great)...but overall....leaving his father was the hardest thing....but the best thing for me to do.

Take off your blinders (not being cruel...I say this with understanding)...take them OFF...and if he doesn't change a WHOLE BUNCH in counseling - you have to leave for yourself and guess what - YOUR DAUGHTER.

You deserve better and a lot of people in these situations don't have the finances to support themselves and say that is the main reason they stay. You have said you have the finances....so to continue being abused is not a good life.

You've stated your going to give him a chance with counseling....OK...but please recognize if the counseling is not working and take care of you :(

ps. :)
You said the thought of making love is impossible (something like that). Think about that...not that making love is what a relationship is about...but the fact that you are repulsed by the thought of making love to your husband is a huge red flag for you that you are staying for the wrong reasons.

Keep us posted k?

My husband started counseling and really likes his therapist. I really have seen a major change in his behavior. We recently went on vacation (planned many months ago) and he didn't get angry once. When he was frustrated, he really contained it and didn't take it out on me. When we got home from a long day/night of travel, I could see things brooing as soon as we pulled in the driveway. So, still there, but much less. So, we'll see with time if this lasts.
As far as the physical part, I'm going through some tough things now, going through menapause. I have some V issues that are not easy making sex painful. This is really hard for me to discuss even with my therapist. I have a doctors appt on the 18th, but unfortunatley I'm not sure if I can solve this making me really really depressed.

good news...good news...except your problem...its ok...it will all work out. Thanks for the update.

Hi, I'm back and still as confused as ever. Feeling desperatly lonely and hopeless. Here is my update. Since I started writing, both my husband and I have gone to our own therapists. I saw great improvements in my husbands behavior at first. My therapsit has been an awesome support for me. But my husband's anger is creeping back.....in little things. Here is an example of what happened yesterday, that sent me into a great depression. Symbolic of his behavior and how it makes me feel. I got up early, sitting watching the news and drinking my coffee. He came downstairs, saw some outlets and wires tangled by the window where I was sitting, and started angrily undoing them. I said I had vacumed yesterday and didn't put them back. He basically blamed me and got all pissed off and angry. This is how he behaves. I told myself to not get bent out of shape, but as the day goes on, I got more and more upset. I was so upset, and he knew it but wouldn't talk to me or ask me what was wrong. My therapist says we need marriage counseling to improve our communication at this point in time. I feel like that was a small incident but I"m very vulnerable to his moods and can't tolerate it. If he explodes, I'm on the vurge of a split but am not seeing how my life alone will be very happy either. I really feel so lonely right now.